Does It Make You Mad When I Say You're a Douche?

This morning I received the email saying it was time for another annual employee poll. I will of course dutifully fill this one out like I always do, being honest and as serious as I can be (unlike email polls, which I treat quite differently). One of my cohorts suggested that the poll is, in part, self-fulfilling, by asking questions that alter the answer just my asking, such as whether or not you're engaged as an employee.

This is now my new favorite idea. I'm obsessed with coming up with questions where the answer is altered by my asking the question in the first place. Here are the examples I've come up with so far:

• Are you uncomfortable with how much I know about your underwear?


• When was the last time you thought about your shins?


• Have you ever gotten the theme to Star Wars stuck in your head?


• Are you afraid of those big, hairy spiders that bite hard and run like the wind itself? (This one is most effective if, while you ask the question, you're staring at their left shoulder the whole time.)


• Do you smell something?


• Have you ever wondered what asphalt tastes like?


• Does it ever make you a little uncomfortable when you think about the millins of bacteria squirming around in your colon right now?


• Have you ever pictured your mother wearing a g-string?

I have to admit, sometimes it's frightening when I consider what might happen should I ever decide to use my genius for evil.