Although That Venomous Duck Thing Is Tempting

So, a guy was mauled to death by a bear in Russia, which in and of itself would not be newsworthy, what with the fact that Russia is lousy with bears. What makes it newsworthy is that the guy was mauled to death by a bear wearing figure skates. No, not the guy - the bear. While this is a tragedy to be sure, it didn't happen to me or anyone I know, so it has now inspired a new feature:

Horrible ways to die that would look awesome in an obituary

• Mauled to death by a figure skating bear (duh)


• Dismembered by rabid fans


• Spontaneously combusted during a tour of a popcorn factory (a firework factory would work too)


• Poisoned by a venomous duck


• Sexed to death


• Devoured by an escalator


• Eaten by a grue


• Trampled during the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade during a particularly spirited edition of Dancing Queen played by the Kennesaw Mountain High School marching band



• Beheaded by group of misguided teens and their dog when mistaken for for Old Man Jenkins wearing a mask


• Zombie Apocalypse: Patient Zero


• Killed during a high speed buggy chase across Amish country

Me, I'm sticking with "died peacefully in bed surrounded by loved ones at the age of 127 years old", but hey, you guys are welcome to any of these.