The Twelve Days of Christmas: Excuses Edition

I'm trying to get into the Christmas spirit depite someone setting a deadline the week before Christmas (Scrooge). I can't really give shopping advice, but I'm great at giving excuses. Thus, I present to you:

The Twelve Days of Christmas: Excuses Edition

• 12 Drummers Drumming: Too damned noisy


• 11 Pipers Piping: Hard to keep that many crackheads in one place


• 10 Lords a-Leaping: Inquired with UK Parliament - apparently 'leaping' no longer among skills that qualifies one for the House of Lords


• 9 Ladies Dancing: Didn't realize that it's considered inappropriate if poles are involved


• 8 Maids a-Milking: Got kicked out of the lactation consultant's office


• 7 Swans a-Swimming: Couldn't get all seven swans in the bathtub


• 6 Geese a-Laying: Mating season for geese doesn't begin until February


• 5 Gold Rings: Lost phone number for Sonic the Hedgehog, my primary gold ring supplier


• 4 Calling Birds: Feather allergies


• 3 French Hens: Hens refused to bathe properly and I couldn't take the smell - also, feather allergies


• 2 Turtle Doves: Couldn't get turtle and dove to mate despite repeated application of Barry White albums and wine coolers


• Partridge in a Pear Tree: Our pear tree fell down last year and David Cassidy wasn't available anyway (Danny Bonaduce was, but hey, I've got standards)

Hopefully, that will help those of you out who lack my creativity. Also, I can now add "Crackhead Herding" to my resume, which just adds to my already rich set of skills. Overall, this was a win for everyone.