DLOG Presents: Debate Tips

Once in a while, I like to offer a little bit of the wisdom I've gathered through the years on this site. I was recently reminded of my prowess where public debates are concerned, and have decided that you good people could benefit from my experience. So, without further ado, I present:

Dangerously Low On Grog's Debate Tips

• Always start by researching your topic well. Try to use encyclopedias, professional journals, or books on the subject. Avoid using less reputable information sources such a Wikipedia, your cousin Ray Ray, or Fox News.
  


• Never let the exchange devolve into personal attacks unless the attacks directly relate to the debate. (Who could forget the great Lincoln-Douglas "Does Stephan Douglas have the biggest damned head in the world?" debate in which Lincoln famously said "A house divided, not unlike Douglas buckling under the crippling weight of his ponderous cranium, cannot stand"?)
  
  


• Try and not fart. If you do fart, attempt to maintain composure. No one ever won a debate while hiding behind their note cards, red faced and giggling like an idiot.
  


• Stay on topic, addressing your opponents points in a direct and straightforward manner. If you find you cannot contend any point directly, shoryukun.
  
  


• Like any public speaking occasion, don't be afraid to use your whole body when presenting your case. This is especially true for debate, where a particularly important point can be emphasized by the all important "jazz hands".
  


• Gentlemen, remember that a debate is meant to be an exchanging of ideas. Do not set out to prove that you are the better man. As such, it is never considered an appropriate response to put it on the table and look at your opponent, saying, "You got anything to say about that? Yeah, I didn't think so". (Incidentally, this is what cost me a win during high school forensics. On the bright side, he really didn't have anything to say about it, so it was still a moral victory.)
  

Follow these tips, and you too can become a master debater like myself.

It's An Upgrade!

Because the search functionality remains spotty, I've added a label menu so you can find some of my favorite posts by topic. That way, those that come here for the bathroom humor and zombie advice can skip all the other stuff. Enjoy!

Just Don't Bring Up The Environment And Your Golden

Assuming you haven't been living under a rock for the past few weeks, you've probably caught wind of the brouhaha that has been the health care protests. Essentially, town hall meetings all over the country are being disrupted by loud protesters who are touting claims of "death councils" and painting swastikas on public buildings. Unfortunately, this is now the cynosure of the national coverage, rather than the points being made on the other side of the debate, and today I realized why.

Conservatives, I don't know how to say this, so I'm just going to come right out with it: you guys suck at protests.

It's not your fault. While protesting has been a hallmark of the American experience since the Boston Tea Party, for the last sixty or seventy years all the really good protest topics seem to have fallen on the liberals side. War protests. Equality protests. Workers' rights protests. The fact is, you guys are totally out of training for this sort of thing.

Now you guys are out of power, and naturally you turn to this established tradition to be heard. You wanted to be heard on the issues of taxes, a perfectly justifiable concern given the agenda of the new President, but a lack of research meant that you allowed the term "teabagging" to be associated with the protests, thus turning a protest movement into an off-color joke. Now you want to stem health care reform, but any real protest is being drowned out by people equating Obama with Hitler, which just makes you all look like kooks. Between this and leaving trails that show some protesters being shills for insurance companies or Republicans (or as it's being referred to now, "Astroturfed"), the protests are losing all of their meaning.

Do the liberals do the same thing? Of course they do - it would be naive to think otherwise. They're just better at it.

So, how do you solve the problem? It's simple - you guys need some hippies. Seriously, who knows more about protests that hippies? Now this is going to be no small task, what with the difficulty in finding conservative hippies, but I'm sure you guys can put your heads together and come up with something. If nothing else, you can offer them lots of money for consulting, or if that fails to sway them offer to build a Whole Foods near them or maybe start a patchouli farm. They eat that stuff up.

So there you go. Get yourself some expert advice, and try this thing again. I'm sure with a little coaching, you guys could be putting together protests that actually sway opinions instead of just supplying MSNBC and Fox News with soundbites and annoying the rest of us. You can do it, you guys! Now get out there and try again.

Oh, and if you follow my advice and get the hippies, stick to your own food unless they bring brownies, but by all means, try the brownies.

Mo' Money, Mo' Problems

Recently, in an effort to stem sales being lost be counterfeiting, Gucci decided to sue credit processing companies for processing payments for fake Gucci products. They claim that the companies "not only supply the necessary marketplace for such transactions, they are full partners in those counterfeiting activities". Therefore it's perfectly reasonable to seek damages from these companies, who some would claim are just providing a service unrelated to the products being sold.

Me personally, I'm glad to see Gucci take this initiative. Too long have we coddled groups that enable criminal activity just because they were "doing their job". I mean, if you're going to provide the means for people to pay for such transactions, then clearly you are complicit in said transactions. In fact, this has inspired me to start a movement to take down he real enablers of criminal activity in this world.

I speak of course, of Government.

Seriously, Government thinks they can print and distribute money with no thought about how that money might be used. New flash: almost all criminal activity directly revolves around money one way or another. Back when people were bartering for chickens, there was a whole lot less mugging going on. If not for all this money the Government has distributed, there wouldn't be nearly the levels of extortion, burglary, theft, drug dealing, etc. Clearly, the Government is the greatest enabler of crime that our time has ever seen.

There will, of course, be naysayers. They'll say that the Government is simply providing a service, and that the Government cannot be held responsible for the fact that some people will abuse the freedom that money offers. Well tough. If those bleeding-heart liberals care more about their ability to pay for a tall latte with a five dollar bill with no concern that the same bill could eventually be used to buy a vial of crack for some kid, then their priorities are far too askew to even consider their opinions valid. Why won't they think of the children? Take the cash out of the equation, and it becomes clear what we have to do.

Crack houses don't take other dealers operating in their turf, and they don't take American Express.

My Family, Now Brought To You By Tampax

Like a lot of people, I've been thinking of ways to bring in more money. I'm not hurting or anything, but a little extra cash is always welcome. Unfortunately, this is difficult because people like money, so no one wants to give me any of theirs, and I don't know anyone about to croak, so inheritance is out. Then I had a brilliant idea.

I can sell advertising on my car.

Seriously, people pay all kinds of money to pay for ads on race cars, and that's a total waste. First, they're all packed with ads, so you don't typically see any of them but the biggest ones. Second, all the cars are covered in ads, so it's not like your ad stands out. Add to that that a lot of people would rather eat their feet than watch cars turn left for hours on end, and you can see that this is not money well spent.

My car, on the other hand, drives all over the place. Well, in lower Michigan anyway. Okay, it's mostly just the school/work/grocery store route, but hey, that could be great for local shops. My car is a bright, attention getting red. I'm a law abiding citizen, so there's no risk of their store being associated with criminal activity. More importantly, I have almost no pride left, so I'm happy advertising any damned thing short of a strip club (sorry, but I drive kids around, and that's just not right). Add to that a built in attractive family just like on TV, and you've got a solid gold premise here.

So, if you're looking for a new and exciting way to get word out about your business, shoot me an email. We'll arrange terms, and next thing you know you'll have a traveling billboard like no one else. Just think of the word of mouth that will be generated at my job, the grocery store, and the local schools when I pull through with your business emblazoned on the side of my car.

Of course I should probably run all of this by my lovely wife first, but what are the odds that she would mind riding in a car that says "Mountain Dew" on the side?

UPDATE:
Holy cow, this is a real thing. I guess that's what I get for not researching before I post.

So You Wanna Start a Cult

So, you've decided that you have the charm and charisma stats, and the time is right to start your own cult. You're tempted by the siren song of rabid followers who will do your bidding without question. Who wouldn't be, right? Well, as someone who has his own aspirations of world domination, I'm done some research and I'm here to give you some helpful suggestions when starting this endeavor.

1. No Dress Codes
For some reason, this is the first mistake a lot of cult leaders make. They start out strong with the whole "the beast has shown me the light and told me to share it with the world" pitch, but then move too quickly into whether or not pants are allowed. Most people, for whatever reason, like to dress themselves, and allowing them this freedom will net you more rabid followers. This is doubly true for forcing bad haircuts onto people. Trust me - no one wants to join The Alliance of the Golden Mullet.



2. Don't Advocate Violence
As a cult leader, you really shouldn't be advocating breaking the law in any manner, but for some reason this is another huge mistake a lot of otherwise successful cult leaders make. You get a good sized group of people who heed your every word, and then you get the cockamamie idea of having them hurt someone. This is a terrible idea. I realize that a lot of cult leader wannabes are really rage-filled shells desperate for the love and attention they missed out on by being a fat kid (one wonders how different history would be had the other schoolyard children not referred to him as "Ass The Size Of Branson Manson", but I digress), but really, you need to learn to let that go. These poeple love you now, or think they do anyway, and that should be enough. Besides, people don't usually like to hurt each other, and it irritates the Government, a sure way to lose any tax-free status that you would otherwise enjoy.

3. Don't Ask Anyone To Castrate Themselves
You know, I would think this one could go without saying, but I've been wrong before. It's one thing to convince a group of otherwise reasonable people that the comet that will pass by the Earth in a few weeks is actually an alien craft here to rescue the true believers. A lot of people are stupid, and would jump at the chance to perish in an effort to join these aliens (I'm not sure why everyone seems to assume things would be better with aliens, who last I checked are still best known for probing people without permission). Ending the pitch, however, with "So, you just need a new pair of Nikes, and then you've gotta cut your %#$@s off" is going to lose you a lot of followers. A lot of people are stupid, but not crazy.

So there you go - a few helpful hints to start you on your way. Of course, if you're really that charming and charismatic, maybe you could just go out and make some freinds. Take up bowling perhaps. After all, having a cult is a lot of work and responsibility, and not everyone is up to the challenge. But who knows, with hard work and dedication, you could be the next L. Ron Hubbard.

I figure if I make fun of him enough, I'll at least get the traffic from the Scientologists plotting my demise. Hi Tom!

We Interrupt This Regularly Scheduled Blog...

Dangerously Low On Grog is taking a brief hiatus while the author staves off an illness and gets his %#@$ together. During this time, we encourage you to browse the extensive archives or look at the posts I like the best. I would suggest the search box, but that's currently broken and hopefully being looked at by our good friends at Google.

Here In The Hall Of Heads

There was this time a few weeks ago where I was having gastrointestinal issues. I dealt with them by taking a couple of laxatives. Then I forgot about it and made lunch, which consisted of a couple of spicy, black bean burgers covered in yellow peppers and hot deli mustard.

Now, thanks to these people, that is no longer the worst idea ever.

The good people at Cremation Solutions have come up with a...novel way of storing your loved ones. They take a photograph of the deceased, put it into a machine, and produce a three-dimensional replica of their head, that you then put their ashes into. If this sounds creepy, believe me when I tell you I'm not doing it justice. This is the actual promotional picture from the linked web site:



Now, there are currently a few kinks to the system. First, they don't do hair, so if the deceased isn't bald, you'll probably want to spring for a wig. Also, if you decide to go this way yourself, you'll probably want to be very specific about what you want done with it and leave it with someone you trust. No one wants to spend the afterlife wondering if the container for their ashes is being decorated in drag queen makeup and donning a "Boob Inspector" cap.

There are benefits, though. I mean, when I went to dad's funeral and saw the box they threw him in, my first thought was that it looked like something you'd keep jewelry in. At least here, there's nothing ambiguous about it. Plus, this way you would get to double as an attractive and effective Halloween decoration, which is cool and a lot easier than my plan of paying some neighborhood kids a couple hundred bucks to go put a plastic arm sticking out of my grave each year after I go (heh). I'm even considering trying to convince my lovely wife that maybe when she passes, this may be the best way to handle the arrangements.

That way, even though she would be gone, I could still admire her bust.

Kalamazoo - Go Be Fabulous Somewhere Else

Today I got word that my old stomping ground of Kalamazoo, Michigan has managed to get a petition put forth to repeal measures that made it illegal to discriminate against homosexuals for housing and employment purposes. Yes, in a time of unprecedented change and social progress, Kalamazoo has a group of concerned citizens who are actively fighting the powers that be, powers that tried to prevent them from discriminating against others. Way to fight the man, keeping you down, so you can, you know, keep those others down.

Personally, I don't think they're going far enough. For example, why not take the natural next step and put together a petition to end women's suffrage? Surely the good people of Kalamazoo are concerned with suffraging women, right? Besides, something has to be done. I worked with all sorts of women in Kalamazoo, and not one ever offered to bring me a cup of coffee or make me a pie. You can do better than that, Kalamazoo.



The real shame here is that during these hard economic times, there's not a realistic opportunity to take the really big steps. You know, fund putting in the duplicate drinking fountains and restrooms. You know, for them. You guys could truly be playing this old school if not for the whole "we've got like two big companies in town, and they're mostly skilled at layoffs" thing.

What the...aw Hell. I just blew another sarcasm fuse. See what you've gone and made me do? I hope you're happy with yourself. Now I can't be sarcastic again until I get to the hardware store. I guess I'll just have to take comfort first in that I got out, and second that when someone passed around a petition asking people in your town if they were ignorant bigots, only a couple thousand people were willing to go on record in agreement.

Now, Kalamazoo, you go and think about what you've done.

The Birthers Got Nothin' On Me

Once again, despite my best efforts, I have allowed information about politics to enter my brain. I would blame my wife and her habit of putting on MSNBC when we go to bed, but that doesn't work because a) she's not forcing me to listen to it and b)my wife has no natural faults, and blaming her for something suggests otherwise. Regardless of how this came to pass, I'm forced to face yet another mountain of ignorance, this time in the form of "birthers".

Birthers, for those whose wives do not control the remote at bedtime, are the group who insist that Barack Obama is not qualified to be President of the USA because he is not a natural born citizen. Some claim they'll be quiet when they see his birth certificate (the link is his Certificate of Live Birth, which is apparently something else). Others claim even that won't change things, because his father was not a citizen, so that disqualifies him.

I'm not going to sit here and pick these people apart for the same reason that I don't pick on my daughter for believing in fairies: the sensible among us know better, and we're the majority. Rather, I'm kind of wondering at how something like this gains traction. We've discussed individual yahoos before, but really, what does it take for these loons to unite into a full blown...I'm not sure what the proper term is for a group of yahoos. A flock? A bushel? An asylum? Yes, that sounds right. What does it take for a weird idea to amass a full blown asylum of yahoos to argue for it?

Things like this always resurface my temptation to start a completely unfounded rumor here on DLOG, just to see how far I could get it. Originally I was going to go for something in the movie industry. Speculation on Batman villains is always a hot topic (Neil Patrick Harris as the Riddler - you heard it here first). Now, however, I'm thinking of something more nefarious. I mean, at this point these people seem willing to believe anything, so I could really go to town, and as long as it get's picked up by the right yahoo, we could be making history here.

Tomorrow on DLOG: I'm pretty sure Barack Obama has a tattoo on his left butt cheek of Stalin sitting on a throne with his feet on the back of Ronald Reagan dressed in a gimp suit with a ball-gag in his mouth, and I refuse to believe otherwise until he gives an address that involves him mooning the entire press corps.

Alternate Definition: An Amputee Lap Dance

As I was walking out of our local grocery store, my eye was drawn to the big bulletin board where people post ads and business cards and whatnot. Right in the middle was an ad for stump grinding. I recalled my father-in-law saying something about having someone out to grind a stump once, and was reminded that I have no idea what the heck that means.

I know that the idea is that a tree stump is to be removed, but what an odd term. A quick Googling reveals that stump grinding involves someone taking a big, scary machine that basically chews up the stump into wood shavings. Apparently, like most household chores that involve big, scary machines, it's best to hire a professional. Fair enough. It was true when I tried to build my own giant robot, so I'll assume it's true for this too.



I have to say thought that, like most things I learn the truth about, I'm a little disappointed. I had assumed that stump grinding involved dancing in an overtly sensual manner while rubbing up against the stump. I figured once you did it long enough, the stump would simply become uncomfortable to the point where it just went away.

That's how it always worked with the girls in high school anyways.

Or I Could Write A Script That Adds The Current Zombie Alert Level

When I got my iPhone, it came with an automatic email signaure. For those of you that aren't tied to a computer that you carry around and pretend it's a phone, people who send emails from their phone set these up. As I recall, all it said was something like "Sent from my iPhone", which struck me as kind of obnoxious. It was like I was sending an advertisement with every message. "This email brought to you by the good people at Apple and their amazing iPhone technology."

Blech.

I looked around a bit, and found that this is actually standard fare. I think the idea is to let people know that you're sending the email from your mobile device in an effort to get some slack on bad spelling or brevity. Some of them are quite explicit about this, going all "please excuse any misspellings or terseness", which I frankly find to be a bit silly. I mean, you went out and bought the thing because it has a full keyboard and sends email, and then immediately use it as an excuse to be lazy. My personal feeling is that if you're sending a message, you can take the time to check it for spelling. If you don't have that kind of time, perhaps you should put the phone down and focus on driving your damned car instead.

I suppose that there are times when you need to send out a quick message, but those aren't really the kind of situations that allow for a canned response, right? Maybe just in case I should set up an automatic signature on my phone after all. That way, if I do find myself in one of these situations, I'll be ready. What do you think of this:

Please excuse any errors in my English or spelling, but if you see such errors, there's a pretty good chance I'm actually bound and gagged and managed to type out this message with my nose while holding my iPhone between my knees. You might consider calling the police, especially if I misuse "your" and "you're", which even a failed English major knows is completely unacceptable and frankly frustrates me to the point where just reading it makes me want to punch a kitten.

You know, I think I'm probably just better off without one after all.

Because Really, With a New Baby What Else Are People Going To Spend Money On

Today, as of roughly 12:19 AM, I became an uncle. Now, I just came off of a big birthday weekend, what with the Princess turning seven yesterday and having not one but two parties, so I'm in a birthday mindset. The thing is, I realized that they make all kinds of birthday card except one. So once again, it's up to me to state the obvious, million-dollar idea, and then count on the kindness of others (not to mention the ever present threat of litigation) to keep it safe: actual birth day cards.



Why not cards for the actual day of your birth? Why wait for a year to pass when you could start celebrating right freaking now? So, here are a few ideas I've been tossing around for actual birth day cards:

[Front] We welcome you to the world, a being of complete purity and innocence who can not even concieve of judgment
[Inside] Which is good, because just between us your mom and dad aren't going to know what the Hell they're doing for a while.

[Front] We welcome a new American to the land where you can be anything you want to be.
[Inside] Now when can you start? We've got a lot of old people to feed.

[Front] Happy birthday, little baby. I can't wait to teach you all sorts of games...
[Inside] Which you need, because that last hour of labor? Worst game of peek-a-boo ever.

[Front] Happy birthday! Enjoy this time when all your needs will be taken care of without question.
[Inside] Seriously, when you're grown up you have to pay extra if you want a diaper change, and even then they'll give you looks.

[Front] I will have the image of the first time I saw your sweet face forever burned into my memory.
[Inside] Now if only it didn't involve your sweet face pushing through your mom's vagoo.

Remember folks, you see one of these in a Hallmark, you let me know and we'll share the settlement.

I'm Suprised Deniro Isn't In There

Okay, I'm going to give you a list of actors and actresses, and you tell me what they all have in common. Ready?

Tracy Morgon, comedian, actor and Saturday Night Live Alumni.

Sam Rockwell, an actor know for being featured in popular independant films.

Steve Buscemi, a genius known for playing the nervous and paranoid in such films as Reservoir Dogs, The Big Lebowski, and Fargo.

Penelope Cruz, an actress that, having claimed critical acclaim in her home of Spain followed suit here in the USA.

Jon Favreau, actor, screenwriter and director whose credits include writing Swingers and directing one of last year's biggest hit, Iron Man

Nicolas Cage, a household name whose nearly thirty year career has seen him in some of the biggest movies produced.

Did you guess that they are all award winners? Well, that's absolutely true I suppose. Maybe you went with them all being big players in their particular scene, which I guess I would also have to agree with. Neither of these is what I'm thinking of, however.

No, what I was thinking of is that they are all playing rodents in G-Force, Disney's latest theatrical romp, that revolves around a troupe of secret agent guinea pigs, give or take a robotic fly or a mole. That's pretty much what I know about it, having managed to ignore most of the ads up until yesterday when the Disney Channel was running one of their long commercials for it. That was when I realized what kind of cast they had nabbed for themselves.



Now I can't say I'm surprised that once again Disney has opted for name recognition over professional voice actors. Disappointed maybe, but not surprised. No, what's throwing me here is that combining talking rodents with this particular group just seems so...disparate. I mean, I admit I don't see a lot of movies, and I tend to stick to the best reviewed stuff, so maybe they have fallen further than I knew, but these are people I associate with works of skill, things that made me laugh or cry or think, or at the very least entertained the Hell out of me. And Tracy Morgan.

Now they're doing rodent voices for Disney.

Now I'm not hating on Disney. You all know I just came back from a rocking vacation that they had a big part in. Between that and the joy they bring my kids, I'm pretty happy with them as a company, and would not ever do anything to cast aspersions on them. Plus I really like Jonas, and I'm not ashamed to say so. (Okay, I'm a little ashamed, but ^#%$ it, it's funny.) But how they pulled together these people is a mystery to me.

Maybe they payed them all a ton of money. Maybe they've all had kids now and they're trying to win favor this way. Maybe someone at Disney has compromising photos of them all at an Oscar party (fingers crossed). I just don't know. Whatever it is, the casting has had the odd effect of taking a movie that I had absolutely no interest in seeing whatsoever, and making me curious. You don't suppose...I mean, that can't be their intention, can it?

Either way, I think I'll wait for the sequel, G-Force 2: Kicking It In Gere.

Yo Quiero...Paz

I dedicate today's blog to the passing of a great American talent. The recent rash of celebrity deaths (not to be mistaken with the recent rash of celebrity rashes) can be overwhelming, and some of the lesser players may not get the press of a Walter Cronkite of Michael Jackson. This would be a true injustice in this case, as the death involved one of my personal favorite television personalities.

I speak, of course, of Gidget, the Taco Bell chihuahua.



Gidget effected me in a way that no commercial spokesdog had done before. She was a Mexican chihuahua, I am part Mexican. She wanted Taco Bell, I wanted Taco Bell. She spoke to chubby guys who were clearly stoned out of their gourds, I was a chubby guy who...wanted Taco Bell.

It was like she was talking just to me.

Let us not forget that in addition to her work for the Bell, Gidget took on other work in an effort to help her Hollywood friends. Oh sure, she put together an ad for Godzilla, who didn't really need the help, but she also stepped forward and came out of retirement when she heard her friend the Geiko gecko was going to replaced by a platypus (apparently testing showed that the platypus would appeal to cross markets, covering mammal lovers, duck lovers, and people like me who just find them delightfully ridiculous). Don't even get me started about how she carried Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blond 2. I hope the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences hangs its collective head in shame for that little oversight.



And so it was with a heavy heart that I donned my Yo Quiero Taco Bell shirt this morning. I wear it for the little soul that gave so much of herself to bring joy to others. I can only hope that she has found peace in a land of squeaky toys and all the burritos she can eat.



Vaya con Dios, perrita con mucho talento. Vaya con Dios.

I Don't Want The Web, I Just Want Your Half

Some of you may have noticed the new link to the left where I'm asking you to vote for my entry in a writing contest over at Telltale Games. If you're anything like me, you're pausing to look at the back of your hands right now, fingers together with thumbs outstretched to determine which forms an "L" and is therefore your left. That's fine...we'll wait. Got it? Okay then, carrying on.

So, I threw the link up in an effort to push myself into the new Monkey Island game, what with me having a natural stake in it and all (this blog, for those who don't know, gets its name from the original Secret of Monkey Island). Unfortunately, I realized that while this blog gets decent traffic, that is not going to be enough to tip the scales in my favor. What's worse is that there is a chance that this contest might not be decided on the actual quality of the entry, but rather who can influence the most people to go vote for them through some other fealty.

I started ticking through my own resources. I posted the link twice to Facebook, which will get me a subset of the sixty or so people I'm connected to there (so three). I put the link over on Halforum, where I know I picked up a couple of hits from the people I haven't managed to annoy yet. Still, this seems decidedly lacking in numbers. I mean, if I'm ever going to successfully overthrow the worlds leaders and force everyone to recognize me as their supreme lord, you'd think I'd be better at attracting hordes. Seriously, I couldn't even start a cult with these numbers, and I'm way more pretty and charismatic that L. Ron Hubbard was.



So now, I have to figure out how to increase my online presence. Twitter is probably out, as being brief isn't exactly my strong suit. I already have the RSS feed at the bottom of the blog which you've all subscribed to lest you miss one of these delightful and fascinating posts. I've included a bevy of "Share This" links so you can all share your favorite posts (or my favorite posts) with friends via Facebook, Digg, and now even Twitter, links that you're all using, right? Right?

Come one people, what does it say about the state of the world if we can't unite a simple legion of followers through snarky remarks and occasional bathroom humor?

I Motion That You STFU

I'm officially back to not wanting to see anything having to do with politics thanks to this whole Sotomayor business. As I was listening to another Republican bring up the "wise Latina" bit for the fiftieth time (I suspect that the plan was to annoy her until she decided it wasn't worth it), I realized once again that this whole confirmation process that was being televised had absolutely nothing to do with whether or not she would be confirmed. In fact, it had nothing to do with her at all. It was just another opportunity for a handful of Republicans to make sure that they spouted the correct talking points so they could be seen on Fox News fighting the good fight.

Let's not single out the Republicans either. I heard an interview on NPR the other day with Nancy Pelosi where the interviewer was asking about the whole "did the CIA mislead you" thing. Pelosi, who had no qualms about outright saying that they did previously, not only dodged the question, but got outright rude about it, making it perfectly clear that she was there intending to discuss...well frankly, I didn't give a damn by then. What was clear was that she wanted to, again, cover a handful of talking points that her side had agreed on and then get out of there.

I guess what's bothering me is that you can't get away with that in the private sector. I'm trying to imagine team meeting where my manager asks how my project is going, and instead of answering, I point out that while we could discuss my current work, I'm really more concerned about the overall health of our team and think we should start planning a fitness program for us. If she tried to get the meeting back on topic, I may very well accuse her of not caring about our well being in addition to being prejudiced against fat people, not because I actually believe she's prejudiced against fat people (although in all fairness, I've never asked), but because later when she's trying to accuse me of being non-productive, I can bring it up and try to spin it as her just not liking me due to lack of fitness, which is of course totally unfair as I'm a programmer and our version of physically fit is "not immediately mistaken for a walrus".

Goo goo g'joob.

Anyway, I'm guessing that such a derailment would get me a talking to, and for good reason. In the real world, if you're not there to get something done (or occasionally digress the situation for a momentary snicker or two, something I will happily admit to doing), you're generally invited to get the Hell out. For some reason, we don't expect the same from many of our public servants, who seem perfectly happy using whatever platform they see fit to discuss affirmative action or health care or Argentinian soul mates or whatever damned thing that comes to mind. If these people really need an outlet for spouting this stuff off, they should all get blogs and keep their work time to actual work.

Well, that or all public hearing and conferences should be held in internet forums, where such derailment is expected and can be swiftly dealt with with an appropriate image.

R2's Got Nards?

We have someone in my pod of cubicles who places small toys randomly around the room. This may sound strange, but I find it vaguely comforting, as it means I'm not the only one with toys at the office. Anyway, last week, one of the tiny ducks on someone's wall picked up a companion in the form of an R4-E1 unit.



Someone referred to it as R2, and while I tried my best to suppress it, my inner nerd spilled forth. I pointed out that it couldn't be an R2 unit because the top would be round like R2-D2's (it turns out that this isn't entirely true, thus adding to my immense body of useless knowledge). Compounding the error, it bothered me that I couldn't tell them what the actual model was, so I applied my Google Fu which led to Wookiepedia and the entry for the R4-E1 Unit. While perusing the entry and sharing my new found knowledge with my cubemates, I came across the following words, which stopped me dead: "Masculine Programming".

Whaaaaaa?

Apparently, astromech droids were assigned genders, which makes no sense to me. I mean I can see C-3PO, who actually had a humanoid shape and a voice, needing a gender assigned. It would probably be quite confusing if someone tacked on a pair of tin jubblies and then gave him a voice like Barry White. Identity issues would abound (not to mention what that would have done to Anakin's already troubled formative years).

The astromech droids, on the other hand, have as much sexual presence as a mini-fridge, which is to say none (feel free to keep your disagreements on this point to yourselves). Nevertheless, it turns out that they all had a gender programming, including our beloved R2-D2. Even stranger is that when I inquired if my cohorts had ever considered R2 as a male or a female, one replied that he had always thought of R2 as a guy, and oddly enough, I found I did too.

So now I'm trying to figure out if I think of R2-D2 as a guy because I'm a guy projecting myself onto it, or if it's behaviors were somehow male. I don't recall any belching or R2 watching sports, so that doesn't help. I guess I should ask some women what they thought to see if that changes things. Feel free to comment with your own observations.

Either way, one this is for sure: now I'm going to feel a little dirty every time I see R2 interface with another machine.

Why Do All My Life Plans Sound Like Sitcom Premises?

There are times where I grow desperate with my situation, times when I feel the need to change something drastic. Given the fact that I'm not the "abandon your family to wander the Earth, meet people and have adventures like Caine from Kung Fu" type, this leaves me with pondering a career change. Specifically, I'm thinking about starting my own business.

Now I know a lot of people start their own business only to fail spectacularly, but I think I've got a winning angle. First, I've considered what I like to do most. Realizing that no one is going to pay me to play video games and drink, I'm forced to look at my second option, which is writing. Now I could cover the edges of this here blog with ads and wait until this thing reaches enough mass to cover my expenses, but I seem to pick up an average of one reader every couple of months, and frankly I don't have that kind of time, so we're talking freelance writer. I've won contests for writing blurbs before - maybe I could make it work as a career.

Of course it would take time for people to realize my mad wordsmithing skills, and this is where my genius kicks in. See, I would combine the business to use my current skills and my new goal to offer multiple services. So I would have a freelance writer/web development business. The only issue with that is that it seems off-kilter somehow with the two services.

And that's why you add "Detective Agency".

So there it is. I'll start scoping out locations for the new Dangerously Low On Grog Freelance Writing/Web Development Detective Agency immediately as well as scoping out a long term business plan to show the people who give out loans for this sort of thing. They'll probably want details on my qualifications, particularly for the detective agency part, but I figure if I add the caveat that the detective agency will only take cases involving electricity monsters, ghosts, or space kooks then I'll be fine.



Take into account that I can work a white sweater and red scarf like nobody's business, and it's clear that this is gold baby. Solid freakin' gold.

Facebookers, Sometimes No Comment Is Best

Today we'll cover a tip from our "learning from the mistakes of others" department with regards to online shenanigans. Let us say, hypothetically, that you use Facebook. Let us say that someone that you are related to uses Facebook as well, for example your teenage child.

Now, it's an established fact that teenagers have an amazing way of doing dumb things. It's not their fault. They're young. They don't know better. I myself was a teenager once, and I did enough dumb things to fill volumes. I would tell you about them, but I was also once an unsuccessful college student, so I don't remember most of them anymore.

Anyway, the difference between the dumb things I did when I was a teenager and the dumb things teenagers do now is that the teenagers today compound the levels of dumb by allowing themselves to be photographed while doing these dumb things. This becomes worse when these bits of evidence invariably find their way onto the internet, where they are shared by God knows how many people. This may seem tragic, but the fact is that there are a lot of pictures of people doing dumb things on the internet, so the odds are whatever your teenager is doing in their picture is probably overshadowed by some celebrity flashing her goods while kicking a homeless person and will thus be largely ignored.

Which brings us back to Facebook, and our lesson for the day. These (purely theoretical) pictures may very well find their way onto the Facebook pages of your child's gooby little friends, whereby you may stumble upon them. Once the initial rage/shock/embarrassment/gagging has ceased, you will feel inclined to say something to both the child and probably the gooby little friend who put the picture up in the first place. Your immediate urge may very well be to comment on the photo itself, thus letting everyone who sees it how you feel about it.

Do not do this.

Here's why I say that: when you put a comment on a photo, all of your Facebook friends get a little notification that you have commented on it, along with the photo itself. As such, all of us who would ordinarily not have seen whatever debauchery your child is engaged in will be directly notified of it. Oh sure, we'll get the disapproving note as well, letting us know how you feel about it, but really, wouldn't it have been better to send a threatening/guilt ridden/litigating letter directly to the offending parties?

Of course, those who disagree might like my idea for a new regular feature here: One Degree of Fail - Friends of Friends Embarrassing Themselves on the Internet.