On a previous rant, I discussed the ever growing slate of Doritos flavors. Specifically, I mentioned that there were too many &#*$ing flavors of Doritos now. Adding insult to injury, the Habanero Doritos have been pushed out of the local gas station completely by other flavors. Not cool, guys.
I swore up and down that I was finished trying new flavors of Doritos. I mean, after the affront on my taste buds that was the Spicy Sweet Chili (if you didn't follow the link, I will sum up for you - ick), I really don't want to know what else they will come up with in the mad scientist lab that produces the colored powders clinging tenaciously to the outside of these things. I mean, I was forced to doubt the credibility of Stephen Colbert because of how awful they were. Colbert for God's sake!
Then, a strange wind blew across the internet. A rumor of something new, something different, something so wrong that the mere idea of it won't leave my mind. In one of their freaky marketing ploys, the people at Frito Lay (code monkey like Fritos - sorry, I have to do that) have release another mystery flavor, a flavor given the uninformative but intriguing moniker "Quest".
Now, having been assaulted by the last new thing, why, you may ask, would I even consider trying this? Because, if the rumors are to be believed, if the talk is true, then what they have done is so full of badness that it would be a horrible injustice not to try it. It would be like not admiring Ed Wood for being the worst movie maker ever, like pretending that Milli Vanilli didn't happen. You may as well try and tell yourself that Al Gore won in 2000.
So what is this thing that they've done? Quite simply, they put together two things known for their nastiness, both associated with both the false "extreme"-ness that the marketing crowd adores. They combined two negatives, and they are hoping for the culinary equivalent of a positive.
They made Mountain Dew flavored Doritos.
I haven't seen them. I can't find a bag yet. If...nay, when I do locate these crimes against nature, I will buy not one, but two bags. One I will place on display, to remind myself the lessons that we should have taken from Mary Shelly's Frankenstein - just because technology means that we can do something doesn't mean it's a good idea.
And the other bag? Dude, I'm so eating that #&$%. In the immortal words of the man staring down the barrel of Dirty Harry's hand cannon, "I gots to know".
***** UPDATE *****
Not ten minutes after I posted this, I went to fill my tank with gas, and while there were no Habanero Doritos to be seen, there were in fact two bags of "Quest" flavored Doritos. I have yet to open the eatin' bag, but should I survive, I will report the results tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment