Side Note: Body Pillows Do Not Contain Actual Bodies

Those of you who either have kids or appreciate some of the better cartoon programs currently available (or both, as is my case) have undoubtedly noticed a disturbing trend. The rest of you should probably be warned: the pillow situation has officially gotten out of hand. While the majority of us think of our pillows as a device for resting our head, dark forces have been convincing our children that this is simply insufficient.

It started innocently enough with the Pillow Pet. It's a stuffed animal that fold out into a pillow. This seemed reasonable, and I'm not ashamed to admit that at least three of these things have found their way into my home, despite the lack of flying squirrel options available (seriously you guys, get the Rocky and Bullwinkle people on the phone - you are passing up a real opportunity here).

But alas, this was not enough. No, someone said "Hey, kids love pillow pets! What if we took a pillow pet, and put a nightlight inside of it?". It is a testament to the nefariousness of the creators that not one person in the room pointed out that putting an electrical device inside an object associated with being drooled upon might be a bad idea. And so was born the Dream Lites.

Dream Lites, they lack a certain subtlety though. Another bright young thing in the room asks the inevitable question. "Those are cool, but what if the pillow itself glowed from within as if it had recently been irradiated?" Ladies and gentlemen: Glow Pets.

Now, at this point the poor parent whose children frequent Nickelodeon or the Cartoon Network has bedrooms overflowing with pillows that perform a wide array of un-pillowlike functions. Of course, the kids have no problem with this, but the clutter becomes a bit much. What can we do, now, with these ridiculous products?

Congratulations, Stuffies. You've managed to give me a better reason to make sure the television is off than Honey Boo Boo.

DOMA Denied, Part 2

In which our author addresses the Supreme Court striking down the Defense of Marriage Act as applied to religious beliefs.

First, we should get something out on the table right now: I am not a religious individual. I'm not an atheist necessarily, but I probably lean more toward that that anything. The fact is I believe in things that can be proven, and this cannot, so there you go. At the same time, we live in a huge universe that holds all sorts of mysteries that we have thus far not fully explored or explained, so I leave room for anything. There could be a big dude with a white beard who planned all of this somewhere. There could also be a separate realm that consists entirely of sentient french toast creatures being ruled by the iron fist of the Grand Duke and Lady Butterworth. Reality can be a weird place. I keep my options open.

That said, what I do know of religion is mostly based in Christianity, what with the Peanuts Christmas Special and all, so when I hear that gay people getting married is an act against God and will lead to the eventual downfall of our country...well, I just don't get that. A quick glance over an American history book will give you a whole shopping list of things that we really ought to have been smitten for by now, right? I'm not a big fan of going dark here, but come on: hate crimes, aggressive land expansion, various military operations - surely some of this goes against the good book, yes? At the very least, we turned Christmas into the Star Wars Holiday Special, and if that wasn't just begging for a smiting, I don't know what is.

Of course, there could be a perfectly reasonable explanation for this: God is taking some time off from us. I actually think that this is entirely likely. Consider the beginning of our country:

Pilgrims: Hey there God, we want to create a place where we can freely worship you the way that we think you ought to be worshiped.
God: Good on you. That sounds like a fine endeavor worthy of...
Pilgrims: Oh, and we're also going to be burning people alive on the off chance that they're witches. In your name of course.
God: Ooh, well...that sounds a little severe. I mean it seems like we could...
Founding fathers: Hey, God, over here! We were thinking that we'd actually found this entire nation upon the lessons the Bible teaches us about universal fairness and whatnot.
God: Oh. Well that sounds like a good idea.
Founding fathers: We are going to go on with the slave thing though. And they're not really people, so the rapes will probably continue. But they're not really animals, so it's not like it's bestiality, so we're cool, right?
God: You know what? I'm just going to go toy with silicon-based lifeforms somewhere on the other side of the universe. I'll check back on you later.

It would totally explain the lack of Evian turning into Merlot and whatnot. I mean, I've seen The Ten Commandments. Back then they were lousy with miracles. You couldn't wander a desert without running into a burning bush or amphibian-based plague. These days? Bupkis. So given that possibility, I could be barking up the wrong tree here, and when dad gets home there's going to be Hell to pay (heh).

Again, if that's the case though, the whole gay thing seems pretty low on the list. I'm pretty sure homosexuality was banned within a page or two of the bits about not eating shellfish or getting tattoos. I myself have not only been inked but have partaken in my youth of the vices that Red Lobster has to offer, so I'm thinking we're heavily into questionable stone throwing territory, yes?

Now obviously, the idea that God wandered off and has been ignoring us doesn't really jive with my understanding of his "mysterious ways", so it seems more likely that the quiet is more of a child rearing thing. As a parent, I had to set up a lot of rules with my kids when they were little. Don't touch that. Stay away from there. Get that out of your nose. Basically, we had to create and enforce a bunch of policies that were required to offset the fact that little kids, while delightful, are essentially self-destructive twits who would end up dead without our guidance.

Then they got older. They became less self-destructive. They're learning what it is to be part of society and how to work together to take care of themselves while helping others when they can. That leaves my lovely wife and myself in charge of the more fundamental lessons. Appreciate what you have whenever you can. Learn to like what you can about yourself and grow if you need to. Enjoy the moments you're given as they come. Try your best to love each other and other people, even when those people are different from you in ways you don't understand. Try and be peaceful and happy and fair and not worry so much about what other people are doing.

From what I've heard, those are the big lessons in the Big Book. Those are the universal truths. Those are the things that are fundamental to continue working on, much more so than a bunch of policies that probably made sense a few thousand years ago when humanity was a little rougher around the edges than we are now.

Well, that and the thing about coveting a neighbor's ox. Seriously, what's wrong with people? Just get your own frakkin ox.