It's Like Worrying About What Leaf Would Look Best On Adonis

I realized the other day that I have almost no perception of what other people think of me. I don't mean as far as whether or not they like me - I'm sufficiently narcissistic to just assume everyone finds me as witty and charming as I do. Rather, I realized that at some point, I stopped concerning myself with what people thought of me physically, as far as my looks or how I dress.

You know, when I was growing up, there was all this attention on how people dressed (which in my case was unfortunate). As I get older though, I find that if people don't see something really unusual or inappropriate, they don't really comment on how someone else is dressed. Even when they do, it's something brief, like a curt memo about casual Fridays not extending to cosplay, with not so much as a mention of admiration for the amount of work I put into that Star Trek uniform, right down to Uhura's earpiece and black boots. Haters.

Anyway, let me give you an recent example. The other day I wore a pair of dress pants and nice shirt, an activity usually relegated to those occasions when I've gotten behind on the laundry and have run out of jeans. My lovely wife asked what I was dressed up for, as did a co-worker. I took these comments as compliments at the time, but the more I think about them, the more insidious they become. I mean, the statement "What are you all dressed up for?" sort of comes with the implied completion of "I only ask because you typically dress like the clerk of a video game store who's given up on the idea that he'll ever find love outside of MMORGPGs". Okay, maybe that's a bit of a ridiculous statement. I mean really, who finds love in MMORPGs?



Maybe this is only an issue because I'm a guy. I see women comment on what their friends are wearing on occasion, but with men, that doesn't really happen unless one of your friends is wearing something worth making fun of. I think this is based on the concern that saying something nice about something another man is wearing can be perceived as gay, which is a baseless fear unless your commenting on how well his underwear shows off his package, and even then it may just be a kind individual paying a compliment before realizing that maybe the gym locker room isn't the best place to meet new friends.

Either way, it's not like I'm henceforth planning on fretting over my fashion sense. I'm reasonably comfortable that no one is going to tell me that I look like a goof, even if I consistently look like a goof. Besides, perhaps it's better this way. I get to go along in life assuming that everyone considers me, if not a fashion mogul, at least a reasonable dresser, assuming they notice how I dress at all.

And really, once presented with this kind of pretty, who's going to notice what kind of clothes I'm wearing?

DLOG Presents: Earth Day Tips

It's Earth Day again, and instead of sitting around feeling bad about the fact that you still use a can of hairspray each day (dude, I'm telling you, the pompadour is coming back), take some actions. We'll even help. Here are some things you can do to help make a difference, or at least get off Al Gore's %#@$ list:

• Just for today, try not to slap any hippies.


• Use the space in your yard to build a habitat for local woodland creatures. Not only do they have a space to visit and thrive, but it affords you an opportunity to see them up close, making them much easier to shoot.


• Stop buying newspapers - all the news is available online. In addition to saving trees, people will stop talking about how incredibly old fashioned and out of touch you are, causing you to shake your cane at them in a threatening manner.


• Consider unique ways to bring more green plant life to your neighborhood. For instance, there's this kid in the neighborhood who grows all these big plants in his basement, and you can tell it makes him feel really good about himself. It's like that guy is always smiling.


• Showers can use as much as 10 to 25 gallons less water than a bath, and that's not even counting the water saved from using it as a urinal as well.


• Make sure to run full loads of laundry to conserve water. I've run loads so full that some of the clothes come out still dry, which also saves on the power to run the dryer.


• Instead of disposing table scraps down the drain or in a landfill, consider getting a composter. Not only will you get valuable fertilizer for your garden, but many modern composters are large enough to house an entire body. I've heard.


• Don't limit your recycling efforts to the standard plastic jugs and water bottles. Think outside the box and be creative. For example: toilet paper Rorschach tests.

Remember, only you can make the changes needed to save our planet. Unless someone else does instead I guess. Whatever.

Female Viagra, Persistant Arousal, and The Real Reason I Failed Pre-Calculus

While I try to shy away from medical news topics, what with the fact that they are frequently so briefly remembered, today I saw two semi-related stories side by side and felt they needed to be addressed. This is because they are both interesting, and not because they both are related to women in the mood. Well, it is a little, but only because there's just so much comedy gold one can mine from rectal exams.

Anyway, first we find claims that we are one step closer to Viagra for women. This article made several statements that brought me joy, starting with "Attempts to treat female sexual dysfunction with Pfizer's erectile dysfunction drug Viagra have for the most part failed", something I personally didn't find surprising, what with most attempts at giving women erections fail. Better still though is when they pointed out that the new drugs apparent success is being verified by testing the drug on female rabbits. I repeat: we're showing some success of an arousal drug with female rabbits.

In a similar study, it has been shown that a new crack-like drug is very popular among crackheads.

If a story promising female Viagra brought me joy, then the tale of a Wii fit injury leading to "Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder" brought what can only be described as unmitigated glee. A woman in the UK who managed to fall off of a Wii fit board has found herself with an injury that causes "intense feelings of genital congestion and sensations that are typically unaccompanied by any conscious awareness of sexual desire". Better yet, in her own words: "It began as a twinge down below, before surging through my body. Sometimes it built up into a trembling orgasm." Yes, this unfortunate victim now knows what it's like to have your genitals take over control from your brain and lead you to a state of uncontrollable arousal.

In other news, every male between the ages of fourteen and twenty who ever lived - ever - has just been diagnosed with Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder, and has thus been excused from walking up to the front of the class as symptoms dictate. The U.S. Surgeon General will be issuing notes upon request.

Wait For It...Fjord!

When I went to Disney last year, I wrote up an overview of the trip for you good people (and yes, for you lousy ones too), but sort of glossed over one important point. See, the trip was actually very educational for me. As someone who has not traveled much, only leaving the US of A for the gentle climes of Canada (which is really just America Light), I'm sort of confined to the news and television for my views of other countries. Now, thanks to Epcot, I have diversified this knowledge greatly.

I'll give you an example. I'm part Mexican, so you'd think I'd know stuff about Mexico, right? Yeah, not so much. Fortunately, I'm now far more aware of my heritage. I mean, I knew about the Incan stuff, but who knew Mexico was actually full of señoritas in flowery dresses and dudes in sombreros? Oh, and the mariachi bands that are apparently everywhere. I find it hard to believe that the drug wars I hear about on the news could be happening in a place with so many mariachis, going around playing guitars and making everyone all jovial-like. I shall read further reports with a grain of salt.

Another country I was ignorant of was Norway. I mean, I knew Norway was lousy with fjords (which Epcot confirmed for me), but that was pretty much it. Now I know that to this day, Norway is a land of Vikings, a place where people travel by ship to battle swamp trolls with giant, double-sided axes. Who knew it would be so exciting? Of course I'm in no hurry to actually go there now, what with not liking riding on ships or forest trolls much, but still. Very educational.

Fjord. God I love that word. Fjord fjord fjord.

Okay, I'm done.

Anyway, there was a lot more. Everyone in France loves wine and cheese and art and the Eiffel tower, which I kind of suspected already. People in the UK like rugby and knights, which I was also aware of. People in Morocco like cous cous and belly dancing, which surprised me, as I thought belly dancing was more of an Egyptian thing, but whatever. There was just so much to take in.

Oh, and Martin Short %#$@ing loves Canada, which I didn't know, but in hindsight makes total sense, because he's always just so damned polite.



Fjord.

I Guess "Here Famous" Doesn't Impress The Same Way

Well, the weekend saw me driving the family across scenic Michigan to take a weekend trip (and by "scenic", I mean, "flat and occasionally tree covered"). As I am wont to do, I shopped for available billboards while admiring the work of others. In the process, I came across something that I'm not sure I approve of on a billboard for a bakery - the use of the term "world famous".



To give you a point of reference, this here website has, according to my analytics, had visitors from sixty two different countries. That seems like a lot to me, but that could be due to the fact that my ignorance of geography keeps me aware of only those countries currently threatening us (I'm looking at you, Canada, sitting there all polite and quiet, smiling while you sharpen you're skates and train your squadrons of attack-beavers). So I've had people from all over the world swing by and hopefully snicker at my work here.

Still, I don't know that I would go so far as to refer to the site as "world famous". That just seems...I don't know. Presumptuous perhaps. I might call it "world vaguely-aware-of" or maybe "world stumbled-upon", but "famous"? It just seems a bit much.

As such, I must admit that I remain dubious that the bakery known as Cops And Doughnuts (so named because it's actually owned by police officers - nice) is truly famous around the world. I guess I should have stopped and found out. Maybe the doughnuts are just that damned good. The truth is though, once you get burned by one "world famous" attraction, it's hard to trust again.

Damn you Mystery Spot. Damn you for making me believe.