Female Viagra, Persistant Arousal, and The Real Reason I Failed Pre-Calculus

While I try to shy away from medical news topics, what with the fact that they are frequently so briefly remembered, today I saw two semi-related stories side by side and felt they needed to be addressed. This is because they are both interesting, and not because they both are related to women in the mood. Well, it is a little, but only because there's just so much comedy gold one can mine from rectal exams.

Anyway, first we find claims that we are one step closer to Viagra for women. This article made several statements that brought me joy, starting with "Attempts to treat female sexual dysfunction with Pfizer's erectile dysfunction drug Viagra have for the most part failed", something I personally didn't find surprising, what with most attempts at giving women erections fail. Better still though is when they pointed out that the new drugs apparent success is being verified by testing the drug on female rabbits. I repeat: we're showing some success of an arousal drug with female rabbits.

In a similar study, it has been shown that a new crack-like drug is very popular among crackheads.

If a story promising female Viagra brought me joy, then the tale of a Wii fit injury leading to "Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder" brought what can only be described as unmitigated glee. A woman in the UK who managed to fall off of a Wii fit board has found herself with an injury that causes "intense feelings of genital congestion and sensations that are typically unaccompanied by any conscious awareness of sexual desire". Better yet, in her own words: "It began as a twinge down below, before surging through my body. Sometimes it built up into a trembling orgasm." Yes, this unfortunate victim now knows what it's like to have your genitals take over control from your brain and lead you to a state of uncontrollable arousal.

In other news, every male between the ages of fourteen and twenty who ever lived - ever - has just been diagnosed with Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder, and has thus been excused from walking up to the front of the class as symptoms dictate. The U.S. Surgeon General will be issuing notes upon request.

DLOG Presents: Parent Resources For Buying Video Games

Unless your Amish, it's pretty much a given that your children are going to be playing video games, and as a responsible parent you're going to want to make sure you're protecting their fragile little minds from potentially harmful content. Many parents are intimidated by this, what with not knowing much about games and the constant stream of doucheba...concerned individuals touting the dangers of video game playing. Fortunately, there are many fine resources available to you.

First and foremost, we have the Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB) rating system. These simple to use ratings allow a parent to, at a glance, figure out what games are appropriate for their children's age groups. Amazingly, many parents fail to even check the rating. These are the same parents who get all indignant when they discover little Bobby sitting at his Xbox shooting up a city before settling in for some hot, simulated sexiness. The irony here: little Bobby knows exactly how to use the rating system. Why do you think he chose the game in the first place?



Once you have familiarized yourself with the rating system, you may want to know more about these video games. For this, I might suggest turning to online sources such as Kotaku. These sites offer in depth reviews of the games, allowing you to not only judge which games are appropriate, but more importantly, which ones are going to suck. Let's face it, little Bobby, despite being eight now, still hasn't gotten off his lazy ass and gotten a job yet, so it's your hard earned cash he's spending on these games. Make those dollars count.

In addition to the ratings offered on these sites, often you can find articles that explore some of the more...interesting features of upcoming games in depth. Need to know just how graphic it will be when a Predator rips a space Marine's head off? They've got the screen shots. Weren't aware of the glitch in the game that allows the main character to walk around in the nude? Yeah, there's a whole video of that. (NSFW, duh.) That last one is especially useful, as it's not intentionally part of the game, so the ESRB may not have counted it in the rating. Best to watch it three or four times, just to make sure you took it all in.

Finally, if you really want to know what you're kids are playing and how it may affect them, you have to play the games yourself. I know, it's hard, but if you make yourself do it, I think you'll find you're the better parent for it. I myself have committed to buying a DSi XL only because my daughter has a DS, and really it's just irresponsible of me to not verify the content of the games that she might play. It's for that same reason I got the PSP. You never know when she might accidentally stumble across God of War, and I now have the experience necessary to sit down with her and explain that sometimes, it's okay to rip off a harpies wings and beat her to death with them, but it's still wrong to hit other kids on the playground.

Really, don't you wish you could you say the same?

Those Days...They Were Golden

Okay, there's a piece on Kotaku right now on considering the ramifications on gamers of the fact that the iPad and the DSi XL are being released around the same time. This...this is wrong. As a gamer, I feel like I should say something about this, especially since I have access to the existing, miniature versions of both systems, the iPhone and the DS Lite.

Here's the thing: Nintendo owns the portable gaming world. I say this as someone who, if forced into choosing between my beloved PSP and my left foot, would prompty run out and pick out a nice peg. I've played a handful of DS games, and they are what one would expect - they are Nintendo games. They are Mario and Link and everything that I loved about playing video games as a kid, made pocket size. When I heard about the DSi XL, a DS for people with man-sized hands, I will happily confess that the plotting began that will make one of them mine. (Insert appropriate maniacal laughter here.)



My iPhone, on the other hand, is a very different thing. I love my iPhone. It's hard to think about getting by without it. It has become a second brain for me - keeping appointments, looking up facts, checking my email. It's a wonderful tool that has made me more productive by leaps and bounds.

And almost every game on it sucks.

Okay, that's a little unfair. There are some cute puzzle games, and of course Monkey Island and Wolfenstein 3-d worked amazingly well, but that's about it. Everything else falls into one of two categories: it's either something I've already played online in Flash, or it's a game that might be fun if I wasn't required to cover 20% of the screen with my %#$@ing thumbs to play it. Maybe other people don't mind this. People with tiny hands. Me being neither a midget or a carny, I ain't one of them.

My point is that I don't look at the iPad and think "gaming device". I think they look like fun and something that would be useful, an ideal kitchen device (I'm a geek - having a machine with wireless capabilities in the kitchen is no less reasonable than, say, a toaster). I would jump at the chance to get one if I had several hundred dollars burning a hole in my pocket. As a gamer though, it's not even on my radar.

So yeah, I'm not sure where you're coming from on this one, Kotaku. These are two completely different markets. I'm guessing you just really wanted to talk about the iPad, and as a gaming magazine this is the only excuse you had.

I'm the same way with monkeys, zombies, and my illicit affair with Bea Arthur, so I totally feel you.

All Covering Their Circuitry With Little Fez Hats, Awaiting My Command

After a long and welcome delay, the Michigan Winter has formally settled in around these parts. For the kids, this means excited fantasies about snowmen and sledding. For me, it means the act of filling my car with gas becomes an exercise in bitterness and frustration that leads me to wonder just how far advanced we are as a species if we haven't yet converted anything with more than a half inch of annual snowfall into a massive penal colony.

Okay, maybe that's a bit of an overstatement, but really, I do not approve of Winter in the least. This region is great for Spring, Summer and particularly Fall. However, besides proximity to family and obvious tactical advantage during a zombie apocalypse, spending Winter here has nothing to offer someone like me.

Now I know there are those of you out there who would argue that I would enjoy Winter more if I partook in some of the more popular Winter sports. To these people I would point out that in high school, the guy who was supposed to teach me skiing broke his leg skiing the weekend before my scheduled lessons. If that's not a sign, I don't know what is. (On the bright side, I got to call him 'Hopalong' for weeks, and he couldn't move fast enough on his little crutches to stop me. Ah, good times.)

Apply a little logic to the Winter sports, actually, and you'll see that this is actually an argument for my point of view. Skiing, snowboarding and sledding all have two things in common: speed and travel. Even snowshoeing is based on the same common thread. Basically, all Winter sports are built on the premise of getting the hell away from wherever you are, i.e. the snow. Heck, even the Olympic biathlon, where athletes test their prowess at both skiing and rifle shooting, was born of an angry Norwegian who was so desperate to get to warmer climes that he declared he'd shoot anyone who got into his way.

Of course, I should look at the bright side, like all of the things Winter encourages. Watching movies on television for example. Or playing video games. Reading books works as well. Basically, anything that allows me to close the shades and pretend that if I were to open them again I would be presented with a lovely Summer afternoon full of lush, green life and sunshine.

Or an army of cyborg monkeys waiting to do my bidding. That would be pretty cool too.

Oh, And The Memories.

Tomorrow, I will be enjoying an obscene amount of food with my family, and I think it's only fitting to take a moment here to list some of the things I am thankful for this Thanksgiving:

• Enjoying an obscene amount of food with my family


• No zombie apocalypse - yet (stay on guard, people)


• I still haven't had a disease named after me


• My entire family remains both healthy and stunningly attractive


• Three kind of pie on one table, or as I like to call it, the pie-fecta


• A promising new Star Trek franchise, which recently came out on Blu-Ray which I'm sure someone will get me for Christmas (subtle, no?)


• Facebook allowing me to keep track of old friends


• Fart jokes (and by association, Wondermark)


• I have a job and it doesn't involve wearing a tie, getting shot at, or handling anyone's bodily fluids


• The weirdness that is Halforums, and our fearless leader Dave


• I've never been the subject of a conversation that started with "Jesus, what's that smell?"


• Sweet, delicious, life-giving coffee remains the universally free beverage


• Tofurkey - no, two Tofurkeys



• Portable electronics that allow me to play video games while I'm waiting to vote


• Monkeys


• An amazing wife who is beautiful, smart, funny, and completely disinterested in the Twilight franchise (And yet can appreciate Buffy the Vampire Slayer - truly, I am blessed)

I'm sure there's lots more, but I've got food to fantasize about. Happy Thanksgiving, folks!

Wouldn't Want Him Soiling His Legend of Zelda Underwear

While purchasing groceries this weekend, I swung by the electronics department of the greatest store in the world, Meijer, in an effort to procure a screen protector for my beloved PSP (and no, they don't give me money for saying that, but I would seriously consider a sponsorship - call my people and we'll make this happen). I figured I have them for the DS and the iPhones, so I should probably do the same for my PSP, even of touching the screen is not an inherent part of the experience. Anyway, I asked this kid working there if he knew where they were, and mentioned that their PSP supplies were dwindling lately, and he made, much to my suprise, the following statement: "Well, it's not that good."

Now understand that for a moment, I seriously considered unleashing all of the pent up fury and hate that I swallow in the name of remaining somewhat civilized on this poor kid. I mean, given a moment's thought (which could be giving him too much credit), I obviously own the system that I was attempting to purchase the accessory for, so this is at best an ill-advised comment to be making to a customer. I'm not sure what the look on my face was in response, but it was sufficiently venomous to have him quickly pin on a frightened "in my opinion", which kept me from my scathing diatribe.

Still, I kind of wish I hadn't held back, as the only reason someone would make such a statement is something I loathe: fanboyism. See, his comment implied that there is a superior system to my own, the most likely the Nintendo DS (which, through my daughter, I also have access to). Now, he's free to have a preference between the available systems - it's none of my concern. This need to actively bad mouth a system, however, stems from this immature, ridiculous, almost religious devotion to the hardware you have chosen to play video games on. It's really bad with the Xbox 360 vs. PlayStation crowd, whose nerd rage never fails to litter the comments section of Kotaku with nuggets of wisdom like "well if you played it on instead of a piece of %#$@ then you'd agree". Very helpful insight, really.

So yes, part of me wished I had opened up and allowed all of the bile I have built up to spill forth onto this poor little man. I imagine it like a horror movie, where I would open my mouth and dark beasts would begin to spill out, demons and insects holding him fast while I explained that every decision he's ever made has led to this unfortunate place, where the most important thing he has to offer humanity is his meaningless opinion to someone who has no interest in it, something worth less than nothing. I wanted to lay his soul to waste, leaving him to cry himself to sleep each night, tears rolling down his Super Mario Brothers pillow case, failing to find his usual comfort by clutching his Kirby plush close, his mother knocking on the door asking if he's alright.

In the end, I just went and bought diapers, which was probably better for everyone.

Super Mario Superstar Will Probably Rock Though

You know, no one is happier than me that video games have become mainstream entertainment now. I'm far from one of the annoying purists who claim that games are too easy now trying to appeal to a mass audience (play the hard ones - on hard if you really want to) or that too many throwaway games are made just for cash (an issue I continue to cleverly avoid by playing only older, thoroughly reviewed games), but once in a while, I see something that makes me a little afraid.

Today, that something is Grease: the Video Game.



No, it's not a simulator where you butter pans. (You thought I was going to make a dirty joke there didn't you? Cheeky monkeys.) Instead, someone thinks that there is a portion of the market who doesn't want to pretend that they are a hero fighting villainous hordes or a puzzle solving pirate. No, they think these people really long to pretend that they are John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John, before he got all hooked on Scientology and she helped nearly single-handedly destroy the movie musical (not to mention Gene Kelley's pristine career) with a steaming pile of Xanadu, although I will admit that at least Xanadu gave us good songs, whereas Scientology seems to mostly result in conspiracy theories.

Anyway, I have to admit I'm a little thrown by the idea of taking up a Wii-mote and microphone and belting out "You're The One That I Want". It's not fear of public performance (although that particular tune, like so many others, is reserved for moments when I'm alone in my car). Rather, I'm concerned that this could become a trend, the birth of genre if you will. People will forgo the latest first person shooter for Webber's Phantom of the Opera. Piles of adventure games will collect dust while shelves reserved for Les Miserables lay empty, homes now full of the lamenting wails of downtrodden Frenchies, most likely off key.

Even more horrifying, this is for the Wii, a system that prides itself on it's wholesome, fun-for-the-whole-family image. That's all well and good but let's not forget that not all musicals are concerned with those same values. When we get to the point where someone put's together Hair: the Video Game Experience, I'm thinking that they're going to lose their E for Everyone rating, not to mention the suffering that will occur when someone walks in on Grandma singing The "Age of Aquarius" in the buff.

And thus concludes another successful "Dangerously Low On Grog Makes You Picture Something You Can Never Un-Picture" Wednesday.

Baby, It's Time To Fight Like a Cow Again

My wife has given me many things. Support, love, two beautiful children...there are too many thing to count here in a simple entry. She has effected my life in ways I could have never predicted, and now, so close to our anniversary, one of those things she has shared with me has returned, and I could not be happier.

For it was my lovely wife who introduced me to Monkey Island.

I had always been a gamer. Atari 2600, Nintendo Entertainment System, Odyssey, Sega Genesis...I was in there. My parents, however, never owned a computer, so I had not experienced anything beyond the standard shoot-em-up, collect the coins, save the princess/skate park/world type games. I didn't know there was anything else.

When I got older and managed to finally get a PC, my lovely wife asked if I had ever played The Secret of Monkey Island. I had no idea what she was talking about, so we scored a copy and ran through it. It was, in a word, amazing. It was everything I loved about games and didn't know it. It had puzzles. It had humor everywhere. It had monkeys. It had a story that actually made sense. (Seriously, after the third castle the princess wasn't in, why didn't Mario take a step back and ask for directions to the correct one? Men.)

After that, I was into anything with an action menu. Loom. Grim Fandango. Total Throttle. Sam and Max Hit the Road. The 7th Guest and The 11th Hour. Above all, of course, the next three installments in the Monkey Island series. These games are the reason that even hack-and-slash action games have to have at least half a story to hold my interest. The bar was set, and it was set high.

Now, after years of pining for a return to the Tri-Island area, I'm finally getting back in, for they've returned. As if a return wasn't enough, they're back with a vengeance. I get the fifth installment, Tales of Monkey Island, but I get a completely new version of the original Secret of Monkey Island, now full of voice-over goodness. I'm not kidding when I say that I was giddy at this development.



So it is with great satisfaction that I look forward to putting in my first ever pre-orders to ensure that, come July, my lovely wife and I will sit down at the computer and spend time with old friends. Once again we'll help Guybrush Threepwood overcome the vile LeChuck. Once again we'll seek advice from the Voodoo Lady, get swindled by Stan, and convince someone that there is a three-headed monkey behind them. Once again, we will seek out swag, for no swag means no grog, and ladies and gentlemen, we are getting dangerously low on grog. And for all of this, I owe my lovely wife a debt of eternal gratitude.

Oh, and the kids and the love and support and stuff. Those are nice too.

The Real Reason I Refuse To Play World of Warcraft

Yesterday, the Princess wanted to play Lego Star Wars on my PSP, and I did what any loving father would do - I told her to wait until I finished the level I was on. I collected the requisite number of Lego studs (which are the little things that hold Lego pieces together and the games version of coins, not men in leather outfits made of Legos) to achieve True Jedi and finished the level. Then I set her up in Free Play mode on my game and, with the usual reluctance I get from handing my favorite toy to another, handed the game over.

She got right into it, playing one of the flying level almost to completion before requesting that I put her back into the standard "running around as a Star Wars character shooting things" type level. I finished the level up for her so any studs she collected would be added to my total, as I'm saving up to unlock some of the extra characters and extras. Then I put her into a regular level and handed it back.

She plays for a few more minutes, and then she starts bragging about how she's picking up so much money (a declaration I do not correct, as I don't really want to hear my six year old daughter talking about how many studs she's picked up). For the most part, I say something supportive like "Good job honey" while continuing whatever I was doing. Then, at one point she said it, and I found myself saying things like "Make sure you pick up the blue ones - they're worth more" or (while looking over her shoulder) "Hey, you can shoot those things for extra coins". I told myself that I was just helping her enjoy the game, which she clearly was, but a small part of me kept wondering if that was true.

I think I might be using my own daughter for gold farming.

So now I have to watch myself for signs of such activity. I'd hate to catch myself telling her she can do her homework later, and suggesting that she play the game instead just so I can unlock the stud multiplier. Of course, if I did unlock it, then any studs acquired while she was playing would be worth up to six times as much, and it's not like she's not having a good time, right?

Sorry sweetie, no Hannah Montana tonight - Ghost Anakin Skywalker isn't going to unlock himself.

It's Like Raging Against the Machine, But From Your Parents' Basement

I would like to take today's post to address a topic that seems to be worsening lately. I see it all the time. In movie theaters. In chat rooms. In comic book and video game shops. Even on Slashdot. (Especially on Slashdot.)

Nerdrage.

A lot of people suffering from nerdrage don't even realize they have a problem. They simply feel that they are standing up for a set of standards that they believe in and feel they must defend, some ethical code that should prevent the use of characters or events that they once followed to be diluted in some fashion. So how can you, as a reader of DLOG, tell if you have succumbed to nerdrage? Lets try a few tests, shall we?

What is your immediate reaction to the following image?

1. It's an interesting composition as well as an effective bit of foreshadowing to the events of the film.


2. It's a disappointing reminder that the second trilogy did not live up to my expectations.


3. GAAAH! GEORGE LUCAS RAPED MY CHILDHOOD! THAT KID WAS SO @&#%ING ANNOYING! JAR JAR BINKS IS THE DEVIL!

Hmmm. Let's try another one. Here's the newly redesigned Starship Enterprise that will be featured in next year's new feature lenght film.

1. Interesting. It's kind of sleeker than I remember the Enterprise being.


2. The lower hull is too small. Look how much space is left behind the nacelle pylons on the TV version. The neck, I'll admit, may just be due to the angle, or could really be a result of the shortened aft section, which is why I am waiting for the trailer before I really decide whether I hate it or not. So far, I'm leaning towards liking it, again, because of the angle of the shot. But the rear of the lower hull, where the shuttle bay should be, just looks too short even at the angle seen in the preview.


3. It's clear that these guys don't care about Star Trek. This movie isn't even attempting to be cannon. And they're not including Shatner. WHAT THE #%$* IS THAT? MAKING A TREK MOVIE ABOUT TOS WITHOUT THE SHAT? %#$@ YOU J.J. "SHOULD HAVE STOPPED AT ALIAS PIECE OF #%$@" ABRAMS. YOU GO TO HELL! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!

Finally, how does the following statement make you feel?

Each and every one of the Halo games sucked.

1. Well, while not the most innovative games, they did prove that a quality first person shooter could succeed on a console.


2. I actually quite enjoyed those games, and find them to stand equal to any other first person shooter game out there.


3. You're a fag, and you and your entire fag family should die in a fire.

If you answered 3 to any of these questions, then you are absolutely in the grips of nerdrage. If you answered 2, you need to watch out - it's all too easy to slip over the edge from "thoughtful consumer" to "rabid, raving fanboy". If you bothered answering the questions at all, you might be surprised to find that you are, in fact, a nerd. Welcome to our fold.

Please people - be aware that nerdrage is a serious issue. Just because we can hide behind internet anonymity doesn't make it alright to rage against our fellow man. We can all be fans, and still respect someone else's opinions and visions of the works that we have enjoyed in the past. If we disapprove, it's as easy as not watching, reading, playing, or spending money on those works of which you disapprove, or simply turning the other cheek on those whose opinions differ from our own.

Unless of course someone tries to @%#$ up the Monkey Island series. Them we hunt down and painfully destroy.

To Be Fair, It Also Bugs Me When Aliens Are Humanoid

Given the crowd I hang out with (online anyways), the following statements will come as a bit of a shock, and quite frankly, I would never dare put down these words as a forum post. Nonetheless, once in a while I must use this space to explore my own feelings about issues. This was partially the point of starting DLOG, and even though it may offend some, I must be brave and stand by my opinions.

I *$%*ing hate all of the Dungeons & Dragons, fantasy, swords and sorcery bull*$&%.

There. I said it. Now, allow me to elucidate.

These things, be it a Lord of the Rings book (where most of this originated) or the immensely popular World of Warcraft online game, supposedly fall under the banner of "fantasy". Fine. Good. I'm all about people stretching their imaginations to the limit, coming up with strange creatures and brave new worlds to inhabit them. The problem is that almost none of them seem to actually, you know, fantasize. Instead, there seems to be a solid template from which all of it stems.

Take orcs for examples. Those of you who sat through any one of the three Lord of the Rings movies got a good look at an orc - big, tough, scary and mean. They were a perfect enemy. Take a look at Wikipedia on the subject, and what you'll see is that, as I previously suggested, the orc originated in the Lord of the Rings universe. Then they showed up in Dungeons & Dragons, Warcraft, Warhammer, Earthdawn, Shadowrun, Magic: The Gathering, and Might and Magic, just to list what Wikipedia covers. Most of these are games, each, theoretically anyways, containing their own universe. It doesn't really talk about other media, such as the movies or countless novels that also "borrow" this breed of creature. Yet somehow, the orcs manage to slip their way into each one, along with humans, fairies, trolls, dragons, armor, horses, swords, etc.

And that's where you lose me. See, I read The Hobbit when I was a teenager. Problem was, it had been so distilled by all of the other fantasy crap that had been rolled out since it that all of it, from Gandalf the wizard to Smaug the dragon, seems cliche and trite. This is a tragedy, because now I know damned well that J.R.R. Tolkien invented a lot of this stuff, or at least was the first to use it in the fantasy setting that I'm talking about here. I never even tried to read the other books.

Now I understand that this has clearly become it's own genre, and that we're using the "fantasy" genre loosely at this point (although by "we", I'm counting at least most of the US). I just wish we could officially break from the genre. It's sad that I have a better chance of coming across something I would count as a "fantasy" story by looking to horror or science fiction. I want to see someone actually being creative, not creating the newest iteration of dragon fighting, sword bearing, Renaissance festival BS. I don't see where it's actually required at this point - I think we've covered it all. Twice.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go reinforce my windows in preparation of the inevitable twenty-sided die pelting that I must now face. Roll for intiative indeed.

What's More, This Completes My Console Trifecta

This weekend, a wonderful thing happened. No, it wasn't the second family reunion weekend in a row (which was fun, but frankly means a lot of driving these days), nor the confirmation that I am not expected to attend my fifteenth high school reunion (every ten years is plenty, thanks). No, this weekend, I got a new toy.

Gleeee!

After leaving this weekend's reunion, I went straight to the Toy's R Us and bought a PSP, my first ever foray into Sony gaming systems (I've have the XBox and have previously owned various Nintendo systems). Now, the PSP is not exactly a new piece of hardware, but that fits in well with my practice of staying a generation behind in gaming technology (remember kids, just because a game is new doesn't make it the best game ever - Super Mario Brothers is stil,l more fun than American McGee's Bad Day L.A.). Even better, I got a bundle, so we have a family friendly game (Daxter), a game of killing (God of War: Chains of Olympus), and a UMD Family Guy: The Freakin Sweet collection. All good.

What's really funny is that I keep up so much on gaming stuff, even though I don't often participate, that I knew exactly what to expect. As such, when I got the inevitable dead pixel (link has NSFW language), not only was I not crushed by the lack of perfection in my new toy, I actually felt like I was part of the group. Why yes, yes I did find my dead pixel and what's more, DUDE, I TOTALLY HAVE MY OWN PSP WITH A DEAD PIXEL ON IT!

Okay, maybe I'm a little out of control here, but try to understand, I have become a dreadfully responsible person in the last decade or so, and a big part of the is the constant denial of expenditures in the "fun" category. Every time I eyeball some toy, I tell myself that the money would be better spent on something responsible. Of course, I'm right. Still, once in a while it's nice to drop the ball, give it an official what-the-heck, and get a new toy. It's a bit embarrassing, but I'm pretty sure the whole ride home (in which I made my lovely wife drive so I could play) I was actually beaming.

So there it is. Christmas came early this year, and apparently I've been a good little boy. You'll probably notice a dramatic slowdown in the book reviews, as I'll be spending my alone time engrossed in gaming goodness, but I'm guessing that they aren't anyone's favorite reason for coming here anyway.

If it helps ease the transition, I'll happily describe the visceral joy I'll take in ripping a harpies wings off and beating it with them.

Why Mario Always Seemed a Little Tense

My lovely wife was out of town for a couple of days, and I used that time the way I usually do - I got caught up on some of my tasks, and then I played video games. It's funny, but a couple of hours of Knights of the Old Republic, and I just felt somehow better. I've been thinking about this a lot, and I think I at least partially understand why.

Everything in my life is transient. Nothing ever feels done. Getting things finished around the house just leads to an inevitable, "Well, that just leaves..." followed by a long list of things to come. My job is just made up of finishing parts of tasks, always knowing that in a few weeks, there is a list of things to add to whatever I did before. Every time I think I have the family under control, I discover some new situation that I'm not used to (let me tell you, the whole "terrible twos" thing is not my cup of tea - I love that kid with all my heart, but Daddy's getting really worn out). I rarely ever feel like I accomplish anything.

Games aren't like that. When I play a game I pick up an objective, puzzle out how I'm going to accomplish it, and then actually accomplish it. Finished. Done. No follow up. No, "Hey, that's great, but we forgot that we also need you to do this". (This is of course ignoring that *$&%ing toadstool and his "but our princess is in another castle" thing. God I hated that little ^#%$er.) It's actually done.

It's weird how therapeutic this is. Yes, I realize that what I accomplished is virtual, but does that really matter if it makes me feel better? I come away feeling stronger, more confidant, because dammit, I got something done. I have the closure that doesn't seem to exist in real life, no matter how badly we seem to need it.

Of course there's more to my loving games than this, but I never recognized that particular aspect of it before. I think it's why I always preferred role playing and action games to fighting or sports games (well, that and getting your %#$ handed to you by your lovely not yet wife is a humbling and sometimes frustrating experience). Those games never end - it's a round, a winner, and then a new round. I like having easy to understand and complete objectives. Steal the plans. Kill the demon. Find my pants.

Wait, that last one wasn't in a game.

Dude, where the hell are my pants?

And the answer is none. None more black.

As part of my efforts to pretend that I'm still entrenched in video game culture, despite rarely taking the time to actually play games lately, I read up on all the latest stuff. I watch the trailers. I admire the screen shots. I idly wonder if my children will play Duke Nukem Forever, or if a mere generation will not be sufficient to actually get to a release date. Anyway, I know what's going on in the game world.

One of the latest trends really bugs me. It would seem that color has officially become passe for anything but children's games. To some extent, I guess I can see why this is happening. People want realism in their games. Brightly colored ghosts chasing around a banana colored circle lacking eyes was not exactly a hallmark of realism. Fine.

But for some reason, someone decided that realism meant either extremely dark and gritty, or even stranger, realism meant brown with big time lighting glare. I don't know what kind of world these people live in, but when I go outside, this is not what I see. Admittedly, not a lot of games take place in the country suburbs, but still. I've been to cities, and shockingly, cities come in full color too.

Not everyone screws this up, but what really gets to me (and prompted me to rant about it here) is that now the fans are actually altering released screen shots to look more like what they want to see. Apparently, what they want to see is "not much". For the most part, all they did was suck the color out of the shots. In looking at it, all I could think of was some goth kid sitting at his desk, resenting the fact that the game he was looking forward to playing would actually contain color, unlike his world, which is entrenched in darkness.

Seriously, if you follow the link, my favorite part is #6, "Necromancer's Choice". First, and this is important kids, if you want some industry to take your opinion seriously, I find that the best way is to do a side-by-side comparison of what you like vs what they have, and then at the top of their product, put the words "Wow gayness". That'll show them. Besides, I thought part of the joy of playing a Necromancer was sort of playing the scary guy (or girl, for our female frighteners). What fun is it to be a monster in a world of darkness?

Me, I'd rather be a monster in the mall any day.

Learning to Snipe Is Useful Too Though

Previously on DLOG, we've discussed the fact that there are those who see the potential of video games as educational tools. It would seem that this idea is gaining momentum. The Federation of American Scientists has releases a free game called Immune Attack that uses a first person shooter type system to teach about advanced immune responses.

This is really interesting to me for a lot of reasons. First, because of my lovely wife's research into learning styles, I am at least slightly more aware that not everyone can learn about something by sitting down and reading about it or listening to a professor/teacher talk about it. There are a lot of different ways to learn information, and this seems like an engaging way to do so.

What really intrigues me though is when I combine this information with what I know about gamers. See, if a game is good, a gamer will dedicate themselves to learning every intricacy of a rules system in order to gain an edge in their play. A good example of this is those who truly engage themselves with role playing games (RPG). I'm as guilty as any of them - if a RPG is well written, I will dedicate myself to figuring out the best combination of armor, what weapons work against which enemies, and which skills to advance in to best suit my character's current development. The point is, the rules of these games are complex, and if you're into it they're worth learning.

Now imagine a situation where that rule set is molecular biology, or chemisty, or particle physics. It's all in the way it's presented. If you can build an engine that makes it engaging (and I'm not talking about that letter blaster junk either) then you can make it worth someone's while to learn these rules. The D&D kids could be learning how to build better nanomachines in place of the interesting but largely non-useful rules that they are currently memorizing. Add to that that games are built around a system where you advance when you're ready, and you have a self-pacing learning system. My God people, with the right software, we could be building an army of uber-geeks.

Seriously, I think there's real potential to help people who have trouble learning advanced topics (or even non-advanced topics) in a traditional classroom setting, which I personally believe is most of us. I don't think this would replace traditional classrooms, but it could provide people who don't excel in them another way of approaching information. In our brave new, "no child left behind" country that we're striving for, it seems like we should be putting the information out there any way possible.

Which makes me wonder - has anyone ever attempted educational porn? I mean for a topic other than biology.