Call It The McWTF

With the recent release of the KFC Double Down - a bacon and cheese sandwich on a fried chicken bun - I have been pondering the reasoning behind such foods. Honestly, if I wasn't a vegetarian, I could see the moment where I'd consider eating such a thing despite the fact that it could probably kill me where I sat, the last bite still oozing grease onto the paper wrapper my head rested upon, giving the brief illusion of a tear falling from one of the Colonial's wee, beady eyes. "Why," I ask myself, "would anyone even consider doing that to themselves?", and then it hit me.

This is all because of Doritos.

See, I blame Doritos for planting the idea that eating could somehow be an "extreme experience". I think that this, combined with the natural human tendency to take risks for cheap thrills, leads to foods that no one actually thinks they should eat, but they do anyway. Just ask Luther Vandross. Oh wait, my bad.

While the old me would have reprimanded the people at KFC for such things, I will instead engage my creativity once again to make a suggestion that, given these facts, will lead to the greatest selling fast food product of all time. See, it's not enough anymore to make it really bad for you. Hell, everyone does that. No, we've clearly raised the bar of fast food offerrings to require something so repulsive, people will have to try it just for bragging rights.

Thus, we need a fast-food haggis burger.



Seriously, imagine it. Take a thick slice of traditional haggis, complete with a sheep's heart, liver and lungs stuffed into its stomach, coat it in breading and deep fat fry that sumbitch. Now drop it on a bun with a special sauce (preferrably Scotch whisky based), and put it in a value meal with a mess of fries (or even better, deep fried "neeps and tatties", which is just mashed rutabega and potato, but totally sounds dirty and would thus sell better). I'm getting sick just thinking about it. Whoever picks this up will sell a million of them in the first week.

I'm leaning towards McDonald's for obvious reasons, but really whoever steals it first can run with it.

DLOG Presents: Parent Resources For Buying Video Games

Unless your Amish, it's pretty much a given that your children are going to be playing video games, and as a responsible parent you're going to want to make sure you're protecting their fragile little minds from potentially harmful content. Many parents are intimidated by this, what with not knowing much about games and the constant stream of doucheba...concerned individuals touting the dangers of video game playing. Fortunately, there are many fine resources available to you.

First and foremost, we have the Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB) rating system. These simple to use ratings allow a parent to, at a glance, figure out what games are appropriate for their children's age groups. Amazingly, many parents fail to even check the rating. These are the same parents who get all indignant when they discover little Bobby sitting at his Xbox shooting up a city before settling in for some hot, simulated sexiness. The irony here: little Bobby knows exactly how to use the rating system. Why do you think he chose the game in the first place?



Once you have familiarized yourself with the rating system, you may want to know more about these video games. For this, I might suggest turning to online sources such as Kotaku. These sites offer in depth reviews of the games, allowing you to not only judge which games are appropriate, but more importantly, which ones are going to suck. Let's face it, little Bobby, despite being eight now, still hasn't gotten off his lazy ass and gotten a job yet, so it's your hard earned cash he's spending on these games. Make those dollars count.

In addition to the ratings offered on these sites, often you can find articles that explore some of the more...interesting features of upcoming games in depth. Need to know just how graphic it will be when a Predator rips a space Marine's head off? They've got the screen shots. Weren't aware of the glitch in the game that allows the main character to walk around in the nude? Yeah, there's a whole video of that. (NSFW, duh.) That last one is especially useful, as it's not intentionally part of the game, so the ESRB may not have counted it in the rating. Best to watch it three or four times, just to make sure you took it all in.

Finally, if you really want to know what you're kids are playing and how it may affect them, you have to play the games yourself. I know, it's hard, but if you make yourself do it, I think you'll find you're the better parent for it. I myself have committed to buying a DSi XL only because my daughter has a DS, and really it's just irresponsible of me to not verify the content of the games that she might play. It's for that same reason I got the PSP. You never know when she might accidentally stumble across God of War, and I now have the experience necessary to sit down with her and explain that sometimes, it's okay to rip off a harpies wings and beat her to death with them, but it's still wrong to hit other kids on the playground.

Really, don't you wish you could you say the same?

Also Bad: So, Which One Of You Is the 'Bert'?

I realized today while reading about the Proposition 8 trial going what the real issue with the whole group of people trying to prevent gay marriage is. It's not the "protection of marriage". It's not that allowing gay people to marry will open the doors for similar "civil rights" cases arguing that the love between a man and his Roomba is a natural and beautiful thing and should be protected under the law (seriously, listening to this guy, you'd think that was coming).

It's just that you're probably uncomfortable meeting gay couples.

This stems from a couple of things. People are always uncomfortable with encountering those who lead what they view as a radically different life style as themselves. I get the same reaction when people find out I'm a vegetarian. They get all uncomfortable, often reacting in strange ways. Well, it's the exact same thing, exept instead of eating vegetables, I'd be eating another man.

Wait, that might make me a cannibal. Well, you get the idea anyway. Moving on.

Another thing I hear often is that the idea of two men having sex makes some guys really uncomfortable (I cannot speak to how women feel about this, but if the movies they show late at night on cable are any indicator, it's not as big an issue with them). My advice to these people is that maybe, when you meet a couple of gay men, you should not immediately picture them having sex. I mean, if you automatically do that with every couple you meet, then I guess for the sake of equality go ahead (although it's not a habit I recommend, as it can lead to awkward conversation when meeting neighbors or your spouse's coworkers - "Hi, I'm Roger. Is he as flexible as he looks?"). Either way, eventually, you'll get over it.



Finally, I think the biggest problem is that people get hung up on traditional roles in marriage, and immediately want to figure out who is the husband and who is the wife. This is silly. I think we've come far enough as a civilization that we can acknowledge that these are just titles in a heterosexual marriage. I suppose if it's really an issue, you can ask who has to check on night time noises and kill the spiders in the house, but I'm still not sure what it will get you.

So what is the point of all of this? It's that I think a lot of people who support things like Proposition 8 do so purely on the basis of things that make them uncomfortable. Yes, I know there are religious arguments, but mostly I think it's basic discomfort and xenophobia, both of which can be addressed by simply recognizing that when you encounter someone, anyone, you probably have a whole lot more in common with them than you think, and that the differences are probably things that can be overcome.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've been feeling lonely lately. I'm comforting myself by looking at the newest model Roombas...just look at how it swivels. I swear, I get chills just watching it.

An Open Letter To Whoever Carved "HELP" Into the Bathroom Wall

Dear Sir or Madam,

I will confess that I was taken aback by your plea. What would drive a person to carve the word "help" into a restroom wall at their job is...well it's been on my mind. I can say that much at least. Unfortunately, the vague manner in which you made your request has left me at a loss as to how I may proceed.

See, you left no forwarding information along with your request. In the absence of an email address, phone number, or even a time at which I may expect you to return to the stall in question, I don't know how I can assist you in your request. If you had taken the time to be more complete in your thought, like the person who wrote "working here sucks" (a sentiment I cannot disagree with more, unless by "here" they actually meant that particular stall, in which case I am blissfully unqualified to comment), then perhaps I would have something to go on. Of course, this assumes you had time to spare, and what with the questionable quality of your penmanship, even taking into account the fact that you were carving, one may safely assume you were in some kind of hurry.

So given no more context to work with than a single word, I must assume then that the act itself was what you were seeking assistance with. As such, might I recommend that when defacing a public restroom, one might prefer a medium point Sharpie pen, which provides the permanence of a sharpened instrument while allowing for a more refined finished product. It's the tool of choice amongst the bathroom scribes that I am acquainted with.

Sincerely,
Dangerously Low On Grog

The Twelve Days of Christmas: Excuses Edition

I'm trying to get into the Christmas spirit depite someone setting a deadline the week before Christmas (Scrooge). I can't really give shopping advice, but I'm great at giving excuses. Thus, I present to you:

The Twelve Days of Christmas: Excuses Edition

• 12 Drummers Drumming: Too damned noisy


• 11 Pipers Piping: Hard to keep that many crackheads in one place


• 10 Lords a-Leaping: Inquired with UK Parliament - apparently 'leaping' no longer among skills that qualifies one for the House of Lords


• 9 Ladies Dancing: Didn't realize that it's considered inappropriate if poles are involved


• 8 Maids a-Milking: Got kicked out of the lactation consultant's office


• 7 Swans a-Swimming: Couldn't get all seven swans in the bathtub


• 6 Geese a-Laying: Mating season for geese doesn't begin until February


• 5 Gold Rings: Lost phone number for Sonic the Hedgehog, my primary gold ring supplier


• 4 Calling Birds: Feather allergies


• 3 French Hens: Hens refused to bathe properly and I couldn't take the smell - also, feather allergies


• 2 Turtle Doves: Couldn't get turtle and dove to mate despite repeated application of Barry White albums and wine coolers


• Partridge in a Pear Tree: Our pear tree fell down last year and David Cassidy wasn't available anyway (Danny Bonaduce was, but hey, I've got standards)

Hopefully, that will help those of you out who lack my creativity. Also, I can now add "Crackhead Herding" to my resume, which just adds to my already rich set of skills. Overall, this was a win for everyone.

I Know A Certain Little Girl Who's Getting "Baby's First Bagpipes" This Year

Some of you out there will be charged with purchasing toys for children, so I thought I'd pass along a couple of helpful pieces of information. First, when you're shopping for a child who you will be around frequently, like your own, make sure to hunt down an open package for any toy you are seriously considering at the toy store. Once you find the open package, take the smallest piece out of the package, remove your shoe, and put your full weight unto that toy part. If the resulting pain from embedding...oh, I don't know...perhaps Princess Barbie's %#$@ing crown into your foot causes you to do more than slightly wince in pain, perhaps reconsider that particular toy.

My second bit of advice is to check for volume control. Many toys talk, produce sound effects, or play music at incredibly loud volumes. When considering one of these toys, make sure that it has both the ability to be turned down and the ability to be turned off. Failure to do so will result in what will inevitably be your child's favorite toy, which he or she will follow you around the house with, pushing the buttons over and over and over again until the very first electronic notes find you longing for the sweet release that death will bring. If the toy you are considering lacks these controls, it could still be a worthwhile purchase, but only for a niece or nephew, perhaps in retaliation for a certain sibling who insisted on sticking their feet in the popcorn bowl every movie night to ensure that he or she did not have to share.

Not...not that I would do such a thing, but not everyone is as forgiving as myself.

DLOG Presents: Halloween Safety Tips

Once again, we come upon the time of year where we all encourage our kids to take candy from strangers, which would be viewed as hypocritical if there weren't potential Reese's peanut butter cups at stake. As the ever dutiful watcher over the denizens of the internet who wander through here, I offer the following helpful hints for keeping your kids safe this Halloween:

• Make sure your kids know that they need to let you inspect their candy before they eat any of it. Follow through on this. Personally, I go so far as to take a small bite of each piece of candy, just to make sure it is safe, but not all parents are as dedicated to safety as I am.


• If you see a zombie, and there isn't a discreet way to check it's pulse, take it out. Better safe than eaten.


• Kids walking streets in the dark make for unsafe conditions. Some suggest having costumes include neon colors or reflective strips. Of course, this will ruin their costumes, and possibly their social lives as well once the other kids see how their costume now sucks. Is one night of safety really worth that risk?


• Some people give out healthy treats on Halloween, like pennies or toothbrushes. Remind your kids to change into darker clothing and avoid roads when they go back to throw eggs and toilet paper at those houses.


• If you see a pet dressed up on Halloween, remind your kids to stay far away. Most pets are just waiting for an excuse to kill you. Putting a Yoda costume on one is like handing Jeffrey Dahmer a blunt object and a bottle of steak sauce.


• Your kids may become frightened by the scary costumes they see, making them prone to running away unsafely. To help alleviate this, find a couple of kids in really scary costumes, and show your children how easy it is to knock them down and take their candy.


• Some people will encourage you to feed your kids a big meal before trick or treating so the kids won't fill up on candy afterward. These people hate children. Besides, what's so healthy about eating a five-month-old Snickers bar that you've been saving since Halloween?


• Remember that kids are impressionable, and some may get into their costume a little too much. Remind them that just because they are dressed as a monster or a superhero, it doesn't mean they have those powers. Use a painful personal memory if possible to bring the story home, like my ill-fated invisible man costume. (In my defense, and this came up at the trial for indecent exposure, a lot of the people in that mall were acting like they couldn't see me at all.)

Have a safe and happy Halloween, Internet!

DLOG Presents: Public Speaking Tips

In my never ending efforts to bring my extensive experience and knowledge to you, good readers, today I continue my series of educational posts. Among my many talents, I happen to be an expert public speaker. Calling on that talent, today we provide:

DLOG Presents: Public Speaking Tips

• Familiarize yourself with the space you will be speaking in. This will help you become more at ease. It will also make you familiar with the exits in case the audience turns against you and becomes violent, which could happen if you suck.


• Try not to suck.


• Visualize yourself giving the speech ahead of time. Picture yourself expressing your ideas, your voice loud and confident, the audience being impressed with your knowledge, the thunderous applause after your finished, clothing being thrown onto the stage as they rush to you, your own outfit being ripped asunder as each tries to physically express how moved they were through deviant acts of...wait, what was I talking about again?


• It's important to remain relaxed as possible during a long speech. Sometimes it helps to have something to drink nearby so when your nerves are getting the best of you, you can pause and take a sip while reminding yourself to relax. I find either either gin or vodka look enough like water to avoid arousing suspicion.


• It never hurts to prepare notes to refer to at various points in your speech. Try to make them specific enough to be helpful though. "Tell them about that thing with the clams." is probably not going to help you in your time of need.
  


• Make sure you know the audience you'll be speaking to. This helps tailor your speech to those who will be receiving it, making it more effective, as well as allowing you to choose appropriate minorities or fringe groups to mock without offending the crowd. One should not go into a furry convention expecting their best Chip and Dale material to kill. In fact, one should not to to a furry convention at all. %#$@ing freaks.


• Sometimes when you're nervous, you can try to imagine the audience in their underwear. If that doesn't work, try to imagine them naked. If that still doesn't work, try to imagine them picturing you naked. If you're still having trouble at that point, you're probably visibly aroused and should just get off the stage before someone calls the police.

Now get out there and do some public speaking - remember, no one has ever started a war giving a speech. Well, almost no one. I'm sure you'll be fine.

The 1812 Overture Would Totally Work As Well

Here's a suggestion to businesses. I understand that you want people to be relaxed and happy when they are there, and as such you might choose relaxing music to pipe into the place. The problem is that you have the one sound system typically, so whatever is playing in the main area is also playing in the restrooms. This needs to change. Lionel Ritchie or Micheal Bolton is fine if I'm there to relax over dinner (I guess), but it's not doing anything to cover the end results of the guy in the next stall winning the "who can eat the most jalapeno poppers" contest. I'm thinking something by Metallica or AC/DC would be more appropriate.

Thunderstruck seems fitting.

DLOG Presents: Debate Tips

Once in a while, I like to offer a little bit of the wisdom I've gathered through the years on this site. I was recently reminded of my prowess where public debates are concerned, and have decided that you good people could benefit from my experience. So, without further ado, I present:

Dangerously Low On Grog's Debate Tips

• Always start by researching your topic well. Try to use encyclopedias, professional journals, or books on the subject. Avoid using less reputable information sources such a Wikipedia, your cousin Ray Ray, or Fox News.
  


• Never let the exchange devolve into personal attacks unless the attacks directly relate to the debate. (Who could forget the great Lincoln-Douglas "Does Stephan Douglas have the biggest damned head in the world?" debate in which Lincoln famously said "A house divided, not unlike Douglas buckling under the crippling weight of his ponderous cranium, cannot stand"?)
  
  


• Try and not fart. If you do fart, attempt to maintain composure. No one ever won a debate while hiding behind their note cards, red faced and giggling like an idiot.
  


• Stay on topic, addressing your opponents points in a direct and straightforward manner. If you find you cannot contend any point directly, shoryukun.
  
  


• Like any public speaking occasion, don't be afraid to use your whole body when presenting your case. This is especially true for debate, where a particularly important point can be emphasized by the all important "jazz hands".
  


• Gentlemen, remember that a debate is meant to be an exchanging of ideas. Do not set out to prove that you are the better man. As such, it is never considered an appropriate response to put it on the table and look at your opponent, saying, "You got anything to say about that? Yeah, I didn't think so". (Incidentally, this is what cost me a win during high school forensics. On the bright side, he really didn't have anything to say about it, so it was still a moral victory.)
  

Follow these tips, and you too can become a master debater like myself.

So You Wanna Start a Cult

So, you've decided that you have the charm and charisma stats, and the time is right to start your own cult. You're tempted by the siren song of rabid followers who will do your bidding without question. Who wouldn't be, right? Well, as someone who has his own aspirations of world domination, I'm done some research and I'm here to give you some helpful suggestions when starting this endeavor.

1. No Dress Codes
For some reason, this is the first mistake a lot of cult leaders make. They start out strong with the whole "the beast has shown me the light and told me to share it with the world" pitch, but then move too quickly into whether or not pants are allowed. Most people, for whatever reason, like to dress themselves, and allowing them this freedom will net you more rabid followers. This is doubly true for forcing bad haircuts onto people. Trust me - no one wants to join The Alliance of the Golden Mullet.



2. Don't Advocate Violence
As a cult leader, you really shouldn't be advocating breaking the law in any manner, but for some reason this is another huge mistake a lot of otherwise successful cult leaders make. You get a good sized group of people who heed your every word, and then you get the cockamamie idea of having them hurt someone. This is a terrible idea. I realize that a lot of cult leader wannabes are really rage-filled shells desperate for the love and attention they missed out on by being a fat kid (one wonders how different history would be had the other schoolyard children not referred to him as "Ass The Size Of Branson Manson", but I digress), but really, you need to learn to let that go. These poeple love you now, or think they do anyway, and that should be enough. Besides, people don't usually like to hurt each other, and it irritates the Government, a sure way to lose any tax-free status that you would otherwise enjoy.

3. Don't Ask Anyone To Castrate Themselves
You know, I would think this one could go without saying, but I've been wrong before. It's one thing to convince a group of otherwise reasonable people that the comet that will pass by the Earth in a few weeks is actually an alien craft here to rescue the true believers. A lot of people are stupid, and would jump at the chance to perish in an effort to join these aliens (I'm not sure why everyone seems to assume things would be better with aliens, who last I checked are still best known for probing people without permission). Ending the pitch, however, with "So, you just need a new pair of Nikes, and then you've gotta cut your %#$@s off" is going to lose you a lot of followers. A lot of people are stupid, but not crazy.

So there you go - a few helpful hints to start you on your way. Of course, if you're really that charming and charismatic, maybe you could just go out and make some freinds. Take up bowling perhaps. After all, having a cult is a lot of work and responsibility, and not everyone is up to the challenge. But who knows, with hard work and dedication, you could be the next L. Ron Hubbard.

I figure if I make fun of him enough, I'll at least get the traffic from the Scientologists plotting my demise. Hi Tom!

Also, They're Harder To Break Than You Think

I know a few guys now who are getting ready to be first time fathers. As someone who went through this a long time ago, I can sympathize with the fact that, while everyone is jumping at the chance to give the soon-to-be mom advice (not all of which is appreciated - there's a reason you don't see a lot of buttons that say 'Tell me about your horrific birth experience!'), the soon-to-be-dad is left with jokes about not getting enough sleep and dirty diapers.

You're probably looking at books, or maybe shopping around online, to get some words of wisdom, and what do you get? Money advice. Start saving for college. Babies cost this much per month in diapers. You'll spend this much cash on a kid before his eighteenth birthday. Blah blah blah.

Few seem to appreciate the fact that for most guys, babies themselves are completely foreign objects, and frankly, it's scary as hell to think about being responsible for one of the little bologna loafs. Unlike you ladies, who may have played with baby dolls or helped out with younger siblings or cousins, us fellas spent our youths on more important things, like finishing that level in Super Mario Brothers in record time or figuring out how much soda pop must be consumed before one can belch loud enough to silence a wedding party. You know, practical life skills.

So now I will offer some encouragement to these fellas who find themselves facing their first baby by sharing the biggest parenting secret that I can offer:

Babies, for the most part, do not do a damned thing.

Seriously, they have like four, maybe five skills. They eat. They throw up. They sleep. They do terrible things to diapers. They cry in response to any one of the aforementioned things. They...no, actually, that pretty much covers it. Yes, they develop rapidly just like the books and magazines say, but rapidly is a very relative term. It's going to be weeks before the little one can smile, much less get into any real mayhem.

So for every fear you have of being the least prepared father in the world, I assure you that you have a reasonable buffer of time to figure out what's coming up next and prepare a plan of action. At first, you need to know how to change a diaper (you'll get plenty of practice, and yes it's supposed to be that color), maybe how to hold a bottle correctly, how to swaddle (wrap the baby up real tight in a blanket, burrito style - believe me, this one is important), and how to sit for hours at a time holding the little munchkin, occasionally making faces and reveling in the fact that you finally have someone who hasn't heard any of your jokes before. That's pretty much it for a while. Beyond that, sign up here for the newsletters. This will give you the warnings and knowledge you need for the next thing coming, and remove any of that pesky lack of of confidence you may currently be experiencing.

Oh, and take comfort in the fact that pretty much no matter what you do, you can find someone on the internet who's gonna make you look good by comparison:

I Have a Ph.D. In Sweet, Sweet Love. And Horribleness.

Okay, so now that I've tried to help you fellas sexy yourselves up, I realized that I should go one step further. After all, I have a wife who is consumed by passionate thoughts of me at all times of the day. At least I think she is. I mean, she never said that she isn't, so it seems like a fair assumption, right? Anyway, I thought I should give you guys some more advice on being romantic and junk*.

The first thing is that if you're thinking of buying a gift, consider sending it to their office or place of work. Despite the illness I feel watching the Vermont Teddy Bear ad full of squealing women, there is something to it. The ladies like to get gifts at work that show someone is thinking about them. Be wary, however. If you intend to give a gift of lingerie or, ahem, "marital aids", then don't send them to her job. This last point is particularly important, as having the bomb squad called because a package arrived vibrating is not particularly romantic, and a mistake you only make once. I've heard.

When romancing a lady, you should consider how you dress. It should be noted that when a women indicates that she would like you to dress up for Valentine's Day, what she means is put on a freshly pressed pair of pants and shirt, perhaps a jacket. What the heck, go all out and maybe shave or something. She does not mean that she wants you to show up in a fireman uniform, a cowboy outfit, or a skimpy negligee, particularly if you choose to borrow her pumps that just happen to be the right shade of pink to match that negligee, even if said pumps were perfectly fine afterward and not "all squished out of shape by your giant man-feet".

Another important skill when it comes to romance is knowing how to compliment a lady. When complimenting a woman, it is important to be specific. It isn't enough to say that she looks nice. Rather, try and point out what exactly about her appeals to you at that moment. An example might be, "Wow, that color of dress really shows off how beautiful your eyes are". It's important to remember, however, to tailor your compliment to the person you're speaking to. Despite what you may think, your favorite features of your significant other may be off limits here. Just try to avoid any compliments involving the following words: can/cans, jubblies, hooters, booty, ayus (as in "that ayus"), boobies, hoo hah...you know what, just ask yourself if you would pay the same compliment to your mother, and if the answer is no, then skip it.

Finally, just remind yourself that you're lucky to have someone. Remind yourself that you have a person who thinks about you and who cares about you. Remind yourself that this person does this on a regular basis despite the overwhelming odds that you're probably an undeserving lout, and that you should really appreciate it if your fortunate enough to have such a person in your life. Keep reminding yourself that, all day, every day, long after Valentine's has come and gone.

You keep that up and you just might get away with the fact that you forgot to start preparing for Valentine's Day until now, you schmuck.


*Disclaimer: The advice given here is obviously meant to be humorous. The author is actually a Grade-A smoove operator. Just ask your mom.

If You Were A Cheese, What Kind Would You Be?

This afternoon, I have to give an interview. I don't mean like a radio interview, I mean a "help decide whether or not someone gets a job" interview. I loathe doing this. Partially it's because I don't like the responsibility of having someone's fate in my hands, but more it's that I just don't ever know what to ask to find out if someone is actually capable of being a decent programmer.

Anyway, while I chew on that, I present to you:

Questions You Shouldn't Ask During An Interview

• What's under there?(Wait until they ask "Under where?". Giggle.)


• Who was the better Darrin Stephens? (Hint - it wasn't Dick Sargent, but that would be accepted, if not judged a bit. An answer of Will Farrel will immediately end the interview.)


• What's a buttfer?


• Do you like gladiator movies?


• If the team decided to dress up as an eighties hair band for Halloween, which band would you prefer, and who would you dress as in the band?(Hint: Poison = Fail. Bonus points for answering Def Leppard and being willing to commit to a full day of programming with their left arm hidden under their shirt.)


• So, who did you vote for last Tuesday. (Regardless of response, roll eyes.)


• XBox or Playstation? (Regardless of response roll eyes, unless they say PC. That's a win.)


• We're facing the task of taking an existing Windows based product and transforming it into a massively multi-user environment that will have to be installed across a server farm. Can you give me an example of a similar situation you've had to face, what pitfalls you ran into, and how you got around them? Please respond using an interpretive dance.


• If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?


• We have a strict code of conduct with regards to humor involving ethnic slurs. Can you give me an example of a situation where you encountered such humor? I've already heard that one. Do you know anything funnier?

There. I think I have it all out of my system now. Wish me luck.

And hope that you never have your future employment in my hands.

Wait, What Did You Mean By That?

**WARNING**
The following post contains gross generalizations about particular groups of people. That doesn't mean that these generalizations are inaccurate, but it's not politically correct to say so. So if you agree with anything here, you might want to do so privately so as to not offend someone. Of course if you do so, I will judge you, but I'll do it quietly.
**END WARNING**

A good friend of mine in high school used to tell me that the only thing you need to know about relationships is that women are evil and men are stupid. While that has proven to be somewhat accurate over the years, I think that in order to remain with another person of the opposite sex, one must strive to understand and appreciate the differences between the two genders beyond "curves good". While I could focus on the obvious stuff (such as my conviction that women, after performing a major transaction in the restroom, never feel the need to find someone to come bear witness to the greatness that they have produced regardless of size or how much it may look like a
pretzel), instead I'm going to attempt to help my fellow men by translating certain things that we, as a species, often misunderstand.

Let's start with a simple question:

Are you hungry?

Now, if one man said this to another man, it would be taken as an interrogative statement meant to determine if the askee felt the need to pursue some variety of comestible sustenance. As such, when asked this question by a woman, a man will often assess whether or not he feels the need to eat, and answer in the positive or negative based on this assessment. Now, let us expand the actual thought behind the original question to find what was intended in the asking:

Are you hungry, because I am and I would like us to find something to eat now?

For the fellas, it may seem like a gross omission to ask a question while leaving out the actual intention behind the question. I think this is because, for the most part, men don't expect others to look for the meaning behind what they say beyond, you know, what they actually say. Women, on the other hand, actually consider things that are said with a greater breadth, and expect us to do so as well.

Taking this information into account, let's look at another statement:

My car is due for an oil change.

Once again, at face value this is a simple informative statement about automotive maintanence. When this statement comes from a woman however, you should learn to immediately ask yourself the following question: Why is she telling me this? Oh sure, there's a chance that she's just sharing an observation with you, but it's unlikely. So you have to step back and start thinking about why something like this would be introduced. After a little experience, you'll learn to hear the previous statement as:

My car is due for an oil change, and I would appreciate you getting it done for me.

Again, this is a totally foreign concept for us men who, as a rule, tend to approach conversation with the subtlety of a sledgehammer. If we need a favor, we go right out on a limb and ask. I don't claim to understand why the request is being hidden behind what seems like a simple statement, but I'd be willing to bet I'm right.

As a final thought, let us consider a scenario. You and your good lady wife are going to bed for the evening. As you both settle under the covers, she says the following words:

I could really use a massage.

Now, given the previous statements, you may see this as an invitation to engage in those things married couples do that I don't talk about here, as I like to maintain a nice PG-13.

Well it isn't. Regardless of the preceding examples, I assure you that she wants a back rub, Romeo. Nothing more.

Nothing.

When you get right down to it, my friend's original statement isn't far off, it's just a bit of hyperbole. While not technically evil, these odd turns of phrase can strike men as somewhat deceptive, traps meant to see if you can guess exactly what is required of you at the moment in place of simple, meaningful requests. In the same vein, I'm sure that to women, who seem used to taking such cues from each other, men might seem dense and uncaring by taking what is said at face value instead of searching for the motivation behind each statement. Either way, if we should like the species to continue, we need to try and communicate in a useful manner, and hopefully this will aid in that.