That's All Folks!

This was a triumph.
I'm making a note here: huge success.
It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.
- Still Alive, GLaDOS

So, I've been doing this for some time now, and while I've enjoyed it, I think it's time I moved on. It's not that I think it's a waste of time or anything, but the fact is, I never really found an audience for what I do here. Well, that's not counting myself, and while making myself laugh is a noble enough cause, it's more easily accomplished by just making funny faces in the mirror, which is far less labor-intensive and does not typically require spell checking. Either way, my priorities have shifted, and I find that more pressing matters demand my hummingbird-like attention span at the moment.

The good news is that the site is all paid up for a while, so it's not like it's just going to vanish. Even those of you who read it somewhat regularly most likely missed a few things along the way, and this is your opportunity to catch up. You can benefit from my experience in using gardening projects to prepare for the zombie apocalypse. The World should know about Tiny Pete, and his selfless contributions to the needs of the vertically challenged. You can benefit from my wisdom in public speaking, romance and interview questions to avoid. My point is, there are depths here, and they're waiting to be plumbed.

Just like your mom.

So yeah, I'm going to post this bad boy, archive the whole mess to my USB drive, and walk away. It's been swell, and now I should probably do something to reduce that swelling. Those looking for bite-size bits of smart-assery are welcome to follow me over at Twitter. For everyone else, thanks for stopping by and standing witness to my weirdness for the last couple of years.

Sincerely,
R.B.

Call It The McWTF

With the recent release of the KFC Double Down - a bacon and cheese sandwich on a fried chicken bun - I have been pondering the reasoning behind such foods. Honestly, if I wasn't a vegetarian, I could see the moment where I'd consider eating such a thing despite the fact that it could probably kill me where I sat, the last bite still oozing grease onto the paper wrapper my head rested upon, giving the brief illusion of a tear falling from one of the Colonial's wee, beady eyes. "Why," I ask myself, "would anyone even consider doing that to themselves?", and then it hit me.

This is all because of Doritos.

See, I blame Doritos for planting the idea that eating could somehow be an "extreme experience". I think that this, combined with the natural human tendency to take risks for cheap thrills, leads to foods that no one actually thinks they should eat, but they do anyway. Just ask Luther Vandross. Oh wait, my bad.

While the old me would have reprimanded the people at KFC for such things, I will instead engage my creativity once again to make a suggestion that, given these facts, will lead to the greatest selling fast food product of all time. See, it's not enough anymore to make it really bad for you. Hell, everyone does that. No, we've clearly raised the bar of fast food offerrings to require something so repulsive, people will have to try it just for bragging rights.

Thus, we need a fast-food haggis burger.



Seriously, imagine it. Take a thick slice of traditional haggis, complete with a sheep's heart, liver and lungs stuffed into its stomach, coat it in breading and deep fat fry that sumbitch. Now drop it on a bun with a special sauce (preferrably Scotch whisky based), and put it in a value meal with a mess of fries (or even better, deep fried "neeps and tatties", which is just mashed rutabega and potato, but totally sounds dirty and would thus sell better). I'm getting sick just thinking about it. Whoever picks this up will sell a million of them in the first week.

I'm leaning towards McDonald's for obvious reasons, but really whoever steals it first can run with it.

Probably Cut Down On Future Therapy Bills As Well

You know, I try not to point out every time I see a headline that makes me facepalm. Really, I do. But seeing that the good people at the University of Michigan have now confirmed the long-held theory that fat kids get bullied more often that non-fatties just blew me away. As a recovered fat kid (eventually, I wasn't a kid anymore), I actually read this three or four times just to make sure there wasn't something more to the findings, because this doesn't seem like something that would require science.

Honestly, how can anyone find this surprising? Fat people are the nation's last, best hope for being mocked. You can't make racial jokes anymore because they're, you know, offensive. Go ahead and try to make a joke about a woman's proper place and let me know what it's like to get bitch-slapped by the Secretary of State (although it's gotta hurt going for the management job and ending up a secretary, but I digress). Thanks to all the efforts of the hard-lined conservatives to strip basic rights away from gays, those of us who know better can no longer of good conscience even tread those waters (with the continued exception of Maxwell, who I assume gay people make fun of as well on the basis of...well, look at him).



What we have left is fat people and monkeys (and deep down, we all know the monkeys are going to rise up against us someday). See, when we make fun of fat people, we do so with a certain impunity. It's not like other minority groups where there was no choice. Most fat people are fat because of their own actions. Yes, there are exceptions for medical conditions, but typically, if someone is really obese, you can safely bet that there was a Twinkie involved somewhere along the way. Not even Buddha was born really, really fat. At some point, he let himself go.

Am I saying that it's okay for these kids to get bullied? Of course not. It's despicable. We need to protect these kids. Instead, their parents should be required to spend a certain amount of time in the school, hanging out on the playground, sitting in the lunchroom, so they can be bullied in the place of their children, since they're the ones to damned lazy to swat that cookie out of junior's hand when such actions are required. Hell, let junior join in.

I would imagine pounding mom and dad with a dodge ball would burn more than a few calories, no?