To Look Into Her Eyes And Say, "Daddy Is A Big Liar"

Once upon a time, I was a big liar. I mean it was bad. I would lie to get out of trouble. I would lie to get my way. Hell, I would lie just for sport. The thing is, I was great at it. Rarely did anyone suspect the degree with which I bent the truth to do my bidding.

Then I moved out of my parents house and started growing up. The older I got, the more I realized that a)lying about things is wrong and b)lying about things is a huge pain in the tuckus. So I stopped. Just like that. It wasn't even like a habit I had to break. I just decided that if anyone asked something, well, I'd tell the truth to the best of my ability. It's easier, and I don't have to remember anything to cover my heiny later.

Then I had kids.

Now, here's the thing - I have the same policy with my kids. If my daughter asks me a question, I will answer honestly. I may not fill in all of the gory details but I tell her the truth. When she asked if I have a mom and dad, and why we don't see them, I told her the truth (now with only half the awkwardness). I believe the best thing I can do for my kids is treat them like little adults, assume they are not morons, and tell them the truth about the world so they are ready for it.

The problem is that I got railroaded into two lies, and now I'm facing one of them: Santa Claus. At first I fully protested for the aforementioned reasons. Unfortunately, I relented, and now I'm having to face the wrath of this decision. This morning, on the way to school, she said other kids in her class said that there was no Santa Claus, and asked me if there is or not. I went all political on her:

"What do you think?"

"I think there is a Santa."

"Well, there you go then."

Then I deftly changed the subject and continued the drive to school, furious with myself the entire way. I have deliberately misled my daughter in a way that I told myself I never would. She is more ignorant that some of her peers because of something I did. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that I have spent the entire morning hating myself for this.

The thing is, what do I do now? We're heading into the season, and I'm going to be reminded of this constantly. We're going to go to the mall for pictures on Santa's lap. She may even write Santa a letter this year (she's big on writing letters right now). Every one of these things is going to remind me that I'm a bad parent, that when she realizes that I've been lying, she'll never trust me completely ever again. I'm just not ready for that, and I have no one to blame but myself.

At least I have a few months before I have to deal with the whole "anthropomorphic rabbits distributing painted unfertilized fowl offspring" issue.