Also, They're Harder To Break Than You Think

I know a few guys now who are getting ready to be first time fathers. As someone who went through this a long time ago, I can sympathize with the fact that, while everyone is jumping at the chance to give the soon-to-be mom advice (not all of which is appreciated - there's a reason you don't see a lot of buttons that say 'Tell me about your horrific birth experience!'), the soon-to-be-dad is left with jokes about not getting enough sleep and dirty diapers.

You're probably looking at books, or maybe shopping around online, to get some words of wisdom, and what do you get? Money advice. Start saving for college. Babies cost this much per month in diapers. You'll spend this much cash on a kid before his eighteenth birthday. Blah blah blah.

Few seem to appreciate the fact that for most guys, babies themselves are completely foreign objects, and frankly, it's scary as hell to think about being responsible for one of the little bologna loafs. Unlike you ladies, who may have played with baby dolls or helped out with younger siblings or cousins, us fellas spent our youths on more important things, like finishing that level in Super Mario Brothers in record time or figuring out how much soda pop must be consumed before one can belch loud enough to silence a wedding party. You know, practical life skills.

So now I will offer some encouragement to these fellas who find themselves facing their first baby by sharing the biggest parenting secret that I can offer:

Babies, for the most part, do not do a damned thing.

Seriously, they have like four, maybe five skills. They eat. They throw up. They sleep. They do terrible things to diapers. They cry in response to any one of the aforementioned things. They...no, actually, that pretty much covers it. Yes, they develop rapidly just like the books and magazines say, but rapidly is a very relative term. It's going to be weeks before the little one can smile, much less get into any real mayhem.

So for every fear you have of being the least prepared father in the world, I assure you that you have a reasonable buffer of time to figure out what's coming up next and prepare a plan of action. At first, you need to know how to change a diaper (you'll get plenty of practice, and yes it's supposed to be that color), maybe how to hold a bottle correctly, how to swaddle (wrap the baby up real tight in a blanket, burrito style - believe me, this one is important), and how to sit for hours at a time holding the little munchkin, occasionally making faces and reveling in the fact that you finally have someone who hasn't heard any of your jokes before. That's pretty much it for a while. Beyond that, sign up here for the newsletters. This will give you the warnings and knowledge you need for the next thing coming, and remove any of that pesky lack of of confidence you may currently be experiencing.

Oh, and take comfort in the fact that pretty much no matter what you do, you can find someone on the internet who's gonna make you look good by comparison: