Finally, You Can Get Part Of Me Inside A Baked Good

In my never ending quest to figure out just what it is I am here on this planet to do(assuming that just being here so people can admire my stunning good looks isn't enough), I have had a minor epiphany. I will combine my love of writing, endless wisdom, and hamster-like short attention span and begin producing fortune cookie inserts. I'm putting together a sampling here. Now I just need to know where to send this stuff.

• Woman who orders spicy garlic shrimp on first date probably didn't shave legs.


• Man who drives sports car may be compensating for something, but he still has a better car than you.


• You are likely to be eaten by a grue.


• Do not mock the emo kid, for he is a cut above you.


• Chinese calendar says you are a snake. US President says you are a jackass. (This one might not apply to everyone.)


• You are a constant source of joy for those around you. Wait...I think this was supposed to go to someone else. You're okay too though. Probably.


• I was going to say something about not trusting astrology, but what's the point? You're taking advice from a cookie.


• Lover who claims to admire you just for your mind should have pulse checked - zombies make strange bedfellows.


• You will make a questionable decision involving someone taking your picture in a compromising position. Keep the picture safe by sending it to your good friends at dangerouslylowongrog@gmail.com.


• Some say you can tell a politician is lying because his lips or moving. This is not always true. Now they have Twitter.


• Violence is the choice of a weak mind. Which is irrelevant, really, because who hits with their mind?


• Person who still thinks Chinese talk like this is bigoted plick.

Dude, I'm like Confucius with pants and a better haircut.