DLOG Presents: Halloween Safety Tips

Once again, we come upon the time of year where we all encourage our kids to take candy from strangers, which would be viewed as hypocritical if there weren't potential Reese's peanut butter cups at stake. As the ever dutiful watcher over the denizens of the internet who wander through here, I offer the following helpful hints for keeping your kids safe this Halloween:

• Make sure your kids know that they need to let you inspect their candy before they eat any of it. Follow through on this. Personally, I go so far as to take a small bite of each piece of candy, just to make sure it is safe, but not all parents are as dedicated to safety as I am.


• If you see a zombie, and there isn't a discreet way to check it's pulse, take it out. Better safe than eaten.


• Kids walking streets in the dark make for unsafe conditions. Some suggest having costumes include neon colors or reflective strips. Of course, this will ruin their costumes, and possibly their social lives as well once the other kids see how their costume now sucks. Is one night of safety really worth that risk?


• Some people give out healthy treats on Halloween, like pennies or toothbrushes. Remind your kids to change into darker clothing and avoid roads when they go back to throw eggs and toilet paper at those houses.


• If you see a pet dressed up on Halloween, remind your kids to stay far away. Most pets are just waiting for an excuse to kill you. Putting a Yoda costume on one is like handing Jeffrey Dahmer a blunt object and a bottle of steak sauce.


• Your kids may become frightened by the scary costumes they see, making them prone to running away unsafely. To help alleviate this, find a couple of kids in really scary costumes, and show your children how easy it is to knock them down and take their candy.


• Some people will encourage you to feed your kids a big meal before trick or treating so the kids won't fill up on candy afterward. These people hate children. Besides, what's so healthy about eating a five-month-old Snickers bar that you've been saving since Halloween?


• Remember that kids are impressionable, and some may get into their costume a little too much. Remind them that just because they are dressed as a monster or a superhero, it doesn't mean they have those powers. Use a painful personal memory if possible to bring the story home, like my ill-fated invisible man costume. (In my defense, and this came up at the trial for indecent exposure, a lot of the people in that mall were acting like they couldn't see me at all.)

Have a safe and happy Halloween, Internet!