Stitches Getting Sicker

Fair warning - I'm in kind of a mood, and the funny will not be found here today.

Yesterday was a bad day, and that bad day is bleeding into today. That doesn't seem fair, but that's how it works, isn't it? A bad weekend changes the course of your week, and attempts to recover fail miserably.

It shouldn't be that big of a deal really, but once in a while I can feel the old sickness lurking about, and today is one of those days. A long time ago, I was diagnosed as depressed, which to this day seems silly, because a medical doctor will diagnose you as depressed or anxious and give you pills for it. Why is it they never diagnose anyone as silly or clinically upbeat? Anyway, I was put on Prozac for it. Prozac was great, because I wasn't depressed anymore. It worked so well, I didn't care about anything at all. "Apathy in a Bottle" should have been their slogan.

After a while the apathy was noted, and a new approach was suggested: get over it. It was put nicer than this, but this is what it boils down to. This worked surprisingly well, and for years now I have done my best to manage my depression by not dwelling on things that depress me.

Unfortunately, it doesn't always work. Once in a while I feel that overpowering bleakness that I used to, and I just can't shake it. I don't know if it's exhaustion or the workload or what, but today I am in a funk of epic proportions. Not even the Moose could cheer me up, and toddler giggles are a powerful thing.

The weird thing is that no one needs to know this. As I wander about my day, I turn it off and effortlessly engage in witty banter with those around me. I laugh at the appropriate places, I respond when a response is required. Essentially, I make sure that no one has to know what's going on, and I'm really good at it. Even as I'm typing this, I'm wondering if I should delete it and try to replace it with something amusing. I actually feel bad that I'm sharing my problems with people. That seems healthy doesn't it?

Well, at least I'm still pretty.

Hopefully I'll run across a batch of code that actually requires my focus, allowing me to stop thinking about this junk. That's the power of programming and playing video games for me - it's like meditation. I get focused, and everything else just vanishes for a little while. When I come back, things seem more manageable.

If that doesn't work, then I'll become our first customer and put it to the DLOG staff. Maybe they have the answers I seek.

Either way, tomorrow I'll find something funny to talk about. One can only keep up the brooding for so long.