Why Not Just Tape Birthdays, Like The Rest Of Us?

Just when I think I'm going to have trouble finding something to talk about today, our good friend Gene Simmons comes through for me. For those who don't know, Gene is the guy in the rock band KISS who had the ability to lick his own eyebrows. I don't think I've ever seen him in any context that didn't just drip with sleaze. The man practically oozes.

So naturally I was not surprised today when he came up in my Google News results as being embroiled in yet another "celebrity sex tape" debacle. At least in his case, it's something I would expect. He seems the type that would revel is this sort of thing.

The link I actually followed (yes, I am ashamed, but only a little), led to a slide show of celebrities who have had similar scandals in the past, and honestly it was a pretty impressive list. By impressive, I mean it led me to repeat the word "ewwww" a few times. Also, the slide show was sponsored by Jello, which, to my mind, is comedy gold. As I have not actually watched the videos listed, I can not say whether or not Jello was involved. I can only hope so.

What I can't figure out is how these people think that these tapes are going to stay secret. I mean seriously, you're famous. People pay to watch you perform. Of course they are going to pay (read as "download") to watch you do something you really don't want them to. Isn't that the entire business of the paparazzi - take pictures of you doing things that you'd rather others not see you doing? Why make it easy on them?

Of course there are exceptions to this business model. I haven't quite figured it out, but I'm pretty sure I could make a lot of money on people paying not to see the tape made by Screech from Saved By The Bell. The problem is that in the recent government hearing on permitted torture methods, being forced to watch this tape was deemed "too cruel, even for us". Fine, make the suspects think they're drowning, just don't make them see little Screech in action. Jack Bauer himself referred to it as "just mean", and he shot some dude's wife in the leg for information one time.

Either way, I will continue to avoid these tapes, because frankly, there are some things I just don't need to see. These schmucks though they were making a movie just for their own entertainment. My voyeurism does not extend so far as to take advantage of their misfortune.

Of course if something involving the Pope ever comes out all bets are off, you know, just to see if he wears the hat.