It's Like an Orange on a Toothpick

Apparently, I have a big head. I'm not referring to my being egotistical (which I can be), but rather the actual physical dimensions of my cranium. This came up as part of a report I got a while ago on one of the Moose's checkups. When measuring his head, they said it was larger than normal for someone his age, and asked the question, "Does his father have a big head?". You can imagine my horror when I was informed that Management had replied in the affirmative.

I tend towards the self conscious, so internally this did not sit well, partially because there is that moment where the part of my brain that immediately converts everything into movie dialog kicks in. "Big head? We had to leave the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade because people kept trying to tie ropes to him thinking he was one of the balloons. Seriously - he has to step into his shirts. When we were in school and they would do a head count, exponents were involved." You get the idea.

So for a while, I was obsessed with the idea that I had this huge noggin. I'm picturing walking into a haberdashery to be met with gasps and frightened stares. I'm wondering why I haven't been asked to pay more for my haircuts. I'm afraid to go to a batting cage for fear of becoming permanently lodged in one of their loaner helmets.

Worse than the fact that I have this massive melon though is what I seem to lack. Despite the promises of Stan Lee, I don't seem to have any of the superpowers one would naturally associate with a ponderous pate such as my own. Why can't I read minds, or move things about the room by thinking about it? Darn it all, if I'm going to be cursed with a giant head, I should at least be able to see into the future or something. Once again, Marvel has lied to me.

Anyway, after going on about this for a few days (as well as referring to the Moose as "Heed" and quoting So I Married An Axe Murderer as nauseum), I was politely told to drop it. For the most part I have, although I still fear that one day I'm going to become famous, and they will produce bobble-head dolls in my likeness that are advertised as proportionally correct. I can only hope I get a cut of the profits.