Lately, a lot of reading and research have turned me on to the fact that I am an overly controlling parent. Actually, I'm not just an overly controlling parent, I'm a bit of a grump to boot. As usual, this comes as somewhat of a surprise to me, as I actually think of myself as a fairly laid back, somewhat upbeat individual. Obviously, I'm mistaken.
This is a huge issue, because the fact is that since realizing this, I've concluded that I am, in essence, a terrible parent. It's not like I go around berating the kids for everything they do, but I'm also not as supportive as I'm supposed to be. What's worse, apparently even when I think I'm being agreeable and supportive, my tone or body language is indicating otherwise. So all this time that I'm thinking of myself as a decent parent I'm actually wearing my kids down, making them think that they are less than what they are, even if that's not what I'm saying, or what I'm thinking for that matter.
It's kind of ironic. I'm reading this memoir, and like most bestselling memoirs I read, it seems to revolve around the fact that the author's parents were/are bat$#*@ insane (memo to self - write a memoir). Anyway, I'm reading about these parents who let their kids do whatever they want and constantly seem to be putting them in near-death situations, and yet the kids, or at least the author, seems to be empowered by it. Of course denial is a powerful thing, but still, here's a set of parent who, during a midnight move to avoid some measure of billing throw four kids, including an infant, into the unlit back of a moving van in the middle of the night (forgetting to properly secure the doors in the process), and I'm still comparing their parenting skills favorably against my own.
It's no secret to those that know me that I have, in the past, had issues with controlling my emotions. I have been diagnosed with depression and all that, but all it really means is that, if allowed to wander, my mind will focus on things that bum me out. This is, of course, a downward spiral. I get depressed/stressed, which leads to me not being the upbeat, supportive guy I think of myself as, the realization of which leads to me getting depressed/stressed out. Add the usual deadlines, home maintenance projects, and family illnesses, and the idea of trying to be that upbeat guy becomes a little overwhelming.
Still, I'm doing my best to try and break this cycle again. I'm letting the Princess make a lot more decisions, even allowing my schedule to slip in the name of her getting all five barrettes that she selected into her quaff today. More challenging is that I'm trying to get back to recognizing that moment when a reaction is being decided, that split second where I can step in before I get frustrated or angry or depressed at something that just occurred and decide that this time, I'm not going to allow myself to react that way. It's always harder than I think it's going to be to not just allow myself to react the way I've been trained to over the years, but I can't keep letting these reactions affect the people that I love.
In this effort, I promise that I'll make an effort find something funnier to write about tomorrow. Maybe monkeys. Monkeys or kumquats. Either one is pretty much comedy gold.
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