Of Course the Coffee Machine Remains Ever Neutral

In the little kitchen are where I work, three machines stand side by side, a Pepsi machine, a food machine, and a Coke machine. Each machine is constantly running a message to whomever may be standing around waiting for their lunch to be heated by one of the microwaves. The contrast between these messages is fascinating to me.

Let's start with the Pepsi machine. Whilst standing about waiting for the insertion of change, the machine presents three messages, the first of which is:

Hello! Welcome!
Ice Cold Beverages

Progress! Witness the joy, the unbridled enthusiasm with which the Pepsi machine greets me and states its reason for being. This message is promptly replaced with:

Press A Selection...
To Show Price

So now we've been greeted and informed that, should one of the prices be missing on a product contained therein, you can find out the missing price by following the instructions. That's a nice feature to know about, eh? Finally, we get this bit:

Refrigeration...
Temperature 39° F

Well how about that? While trying to decide upon a beverage, I've been greeted, given bonus instructions, and even know how cold the drink will be. I would call that a very user-friendly experience.

Now, step three feet to the right and you get the snack vending machine. The snack vending machine is not as friendly or informative. Don't get me wrong, it's not unfriendly necessarily, it just isn't going to go out of its way to impress you. While waiting for some action on your part, all you get is the following scrolled message:

HAVE A NICE DAY

Well okay then. I appreciate the sentiment, although I'm not sure why it feels the need to yell it. Still, at least it's friendly.

The Coke machine, on the other hand, does not seem as interested in my well being. The Coke machine simply scrolls:

ENJOY A REFRESHING DRINK NOW

Again with the yelling, but instead of instructing me to enjoy the next 24 hours to the best of my ability, I am instructed, nay commanded, to not only purchase but enjoy a refreshing drink, not in a minute, not when I feel like it, but right #$%*ing now god-dammit. It doesn't care if I am currently not in a parched state. I'm actually surprised they didn't just complete the thought:

ENJOY A REFRESHING DRINK NOW, BEEYOTCH

So there you have it. Three machines, each displaying a distinct personality. It's kind of a strange thing to say, but it's still accurate. As we surround ourselves with machines, we will naturally anthropomorphise them to some extent, especially when they convey information as described above. Either way, when faced with these machines, my choice is clear.

I'm going to the gas station to get a gallon drum of fountain soda pop and bag of Doritos.