Wait, What Did You Mean By That?

**WARNING**
The following post contains gross generalizations about particular groups of people. That doesn't mean that these generalizations are inaccurate, but it's not politically correct to say so. So if you agree with anything here, you might want to do so privately so as to not offend someone. Of course if you do so, I will judge you, but I'll do it quietly.
**END WARNING**

A good friend of mine in high school used to tell me that the only thing you need to know about relationships is that women are evil and men are stupid. While that has proven to be somewhat accurate over the years, I think that in order to remain with another person of the opposite sex, one must strive to understand and appreciate the differences between the two genders beyond "curves good". While I could focus on the obvious stuff (such as my conviction that women, after performing a major transaction in the restroom, never feel the need to find someone to come bear witness to the greatness that they have produced regardless of size or how much it may look like a
pretzel), instead I'm going to attempt to help my fellow men by translating certain things that we, as a species, often misunderstand.

Let's start with a simple question:

Are you hungry?

Now, if one man said this to another man, it would be taken as an interrogative statement meant to determine if the askee felt the need to pursue some variety of comestible sustenance. As such, when asked this question by a woman, a man will often assess whether or not he feels the need to eat, and answer in the positive or negative based on this assessment. Now, let us expand the actual thought behind the original question to find what was intended in the asking:

Are you hungry, because I am and I would like us to find something to eat now?

For the fellas, it may seem like a gross omission to ask a question while leaving out the actual intention behind the question. I think this is because, for the most part, men don't expect others to look for the meaning behind what they say beyond, you know, what they actually say. Women, on the other hand, actually consider things that are said with a greater breadth, and expect us to do so as well.

Taking this information into account, let's look at another statement:

My car is due for an oil change.

Once again, at face value this is a simple informative statement about automotive maintanence. When this statement comes from a woman however, you should learn to immediately ask yourself the following question: Why is she telling me this? Oh sure, there's a chance that she's just sharing an observation with you, but it's unlikely. So you have to step back and start thinking about why something like this would be introduced. After a little experience, you'll learn to hear the previous statement as:

My car is due for an oil change, and I would appreciate you getting it done for me.

Again, this is a totally foreign concept for us men who, as a rule, tend to approach conversation with the subtlety of a sledgehammer. If we need a favor, we go right out on a limb and ask. I don't claim to understand why the request is being hidden behind what seems like a simple statement, but I'd be willing to bet I'm right.

As a final thought, let us consider a scenario. You and your good lady wife are going to bed for the evening. As you both settle under the covers, she says the following words:

I could really use a massage.

Now, given the previous statements, you may see this as an invitation to engage in those things married couples do that I don't talk about here, as I like to maintain a nice PG-13.

Well it isn't. Regardless of the preceding examples, I assure you that she wants a back rub, Romeo. Nothing more.

Nothing.

When you get right down to it, my friend's original statement isn't far off, it's just a bit of hyperbole. While not technically evil, these odd turns of phrase can strike men as somewhat deceptive, traps meant to see if you can guess exactly what is required of you at the moment in place of simple, meaningful requests. In the same vein, I'm sure that to women, who seem used to taking such cues from each other, men might seem dense and uncaring by taking what is said at face value instead of searching for the motivation behind each statement. Either way, if we should like the species to continue, we need to try and communicate in a useful manner, and hopefully this will aid in that.