My $.02: Food Review - Doritos:The Quest

There's an old gyspy curse, "May you get exactly what you want", that suddenly feels very relavant. As discussed yesterday, I declared that I would not only hunt down, but then actually eat the questionable comestible that has been belched forth from the bowels of the Frito Lay company, namely Mountain Dew flavored Doritos, a.k.a "The Quest". Well, one would assume it was the bowels anyway.

I should begin by saying that nothing I say will do these things justice. I had hoped that they would be awful. I mean, how could they not be awful? As such, I took such glee in the actual depths of sheer repugnance that resulted in my eating them that it bordered on masochism. So, while I can not by any means recommend buying them, if one is offered to you, you would be doing yourself a disservice in turning it down, if for no other reason to give yourself a new baseline definition of awful against which you can base all other foods. ("Hmm, maybe nacho cheese and chocolate sauce on sushi was a bad idea after all. Well, at least it wasn't as bad as Quest Doritos.") If, on the other hand, you are weak of stomach, just walk away, and allow me to act as a culinary canary plumbing the darkness before us.

That said, on with the show. When you first eat one, mostly what you'll get is lime and salt. This is not bad at all, as I'm a big fan of the overly salty lime chips from Qdoba. Now, behind this, there begins a hint of sweetness, which is not overwhelming. It's a tequila shot short of being a margarita chip, so again, not so bad. A little odd, but not so bad.

Then you swallow, and the travesty of what they've done truly shows itself. See, I'm a drinker of diet pop only these days, but even the diet version of Mountain Dew leaves what I can only describe as a sticky film at the back of your throat. As I recall, the pure, sugar laden version left almost a cough syrup-like coating that led to feeling like I was a couple of hacks away from bringing forth a neon green loogie. Sorry for the visual, but it's the truth.

Well, that they captured perfectly. I can't believe that it's on purpose, but there it is. After swallowing, your throat will contain some kind of sugary dreck that will remain for several minutes. It's a variety of gross I have never before experienced in a snack food.

I should point out the giddy joy I took in having others try them. Descriptions ranged from "Not bad" (a Mountain Dew freak - shocker) to "It's like eating a handful of Doritos and Fruit Loops at the same time". My favorite came from a message board, "It's like eating a chip soaked in urine". Oddly, I can't say that any of them are wrong.

What's funny is that having said all of that, my original position still stands. It's so bad that I can not in good conscience tell you to avoid these altogether. It almost demands that you actually try it and see for yourself. Just know that, should you choose to follow in my shoes, you will be left soiled, somehow dirtied, and what you will get for the first time actually lends credence to the marketer's cry of Doritos being an "extreme experience".

These are extremely nasty.