Why No One Hangs Out With Susan Anymore

I don't watch a ton of television, and frequently when I do, there aren't commercials (or, in the case of Disney, there aren't commercials for anything that isn't made by Disney). Nevertheless, it seems that every time I do watch commercial television, I am inundated by commercials for prescription drugs, which really bothers me. It's not so much the actual advertising for these drugs that gets to me (although I do think that's a little weird). Rather, it's the way they work in the big medical warnings.

At first, it was blatant and appropriate. Near the end of the advertisement, a professional voice actor would start talking about possible side effects, drug interactions, etc. Sometimes, they would even put it in print, in case the television is muted perhaps. Either way, aside from the occasional surprising and outlandish notification (I've still never heard anything that can beat "may cause explosive flatulence with oily discharge"), it was pretty straightforward.

That was eventually found to be insufficient for our good friends in Madison Avenue. We can't have the drug makers breaking the brilliant illusion of a man who has successfully dealt with his erectile dysfunction by letting them cut in with this big scary warning about the potential heart attack he could have (although I'm always unclear if the risk is caused by the drug, or the shock that this poor fellow is getting lucky after who knows how long, but again I digress). No, instead we'll have him sit down with a fake doctor who will pretend that he has memorized, word for word, every bit of the associated warning label, while Mr. Back-in-action sits there and nods thoughtfully. Progress!

Even this was found to be lacking, however, so they progressed to what I find to be the most irritating version. A woman is telling her friends about some wonderful new birth control pill, and halfway through the conversation starts spouting off the warnings, again perfectly memorized, in this 30 second diatribe. Her friends sit there, looking at one another and again nodding thoughtfully. They end the whole mess with one of them making a joke about the loquacious saleslady having been to medical school or some such bull&$%*, and they all have a good natured laugh. In reality, this kind of verbal assault would probably have been met with something more along the lines of, "Wow, that drug sound interesting and all, but seriously Susan, do you ever shut the &$%* up?".

So please, whoever is out there writing this crap, cut it out. We're all big kids who can handle a little truth in our advertising. None of us believes that you guys have come up with some batch of chemicals that we can pump into our system with complete disregard to what effects other than the desired ones may be the result. It's okay to just tell us what the risks are without dressing them up.


**WARNING**

Possible side effects of reading Dangerously Low On Grog may include eye rolling, snickering, guffawing, chortling, and potentially projectile spraying of a beverage from the nasal cavity. Drinking beverages while reading Dangerously Low On Grog may increase these risks. Also, some incidents of weeping have been reported, but these effect were generally mild and only occurred during serious posts in either women related to the author, big sissies, or both.

No known issues have occurred in those taking prescription or recreational medications while reading Dangerously Low On Grog. In fact, if such medications make the author seem more witty or talented, then taking these medications are encouraged.

Do not attempt to operate a vehicle or heavy machinery while reading Dangerously Low On Grog.

Should you experience any nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, or other such medical emergencies while reading Dangerously Low On Grog, you should probably step away from the computer and go see a doctor or something. For the doctors sake, take a shower first. Depending on the symptoms, maybe take two.