Honk If You're Reading This While Driving

A phenomenon I have never quite understood is the bumper sticker. I mean, I understand how it works. Someone comes up with a witty saying or political slogan and puts it on a permanent sticker, and someone else who finds this amusing/insightful purchases it and slaps it on the back of his/her/its car. The mechanics are clear enough. It's the inspiration I don't get.

First, it speaks of a culture that cannot speak for itself. I mean, I appreciate an amusing quote as much as the next guy, and, if the occasion is appropriate, will bring one out. I can not, however, imagine the one line that is so witty it would inspire me to announce it to every driver who has occasion to look at the backside of my car. But we, as a nation, have come to rely on the words of others to speak for us, so we find something that seems to fit our current though patterns and then put it out there as out own, hoping I suppose to identify with like minded drivers.

Stranger than this though are those that feel the need to announce their religious or political motivations through these stickers. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that you're willing to share this kind of personal information, as it allows me to be that much more specific when I'm cursing you out for driving like a moron (presumably because you couldn't see out your rear windows, what with them being covered by stickers). Really though, I have enough anger issues in my life. I would rather wait until you've done something offensive on the road to dislike you, as opposed to immediately assuming that you're a douche just because you couldn't take the time to scrape "Bush/Cheney '04" off your vehicles tailfeathers.

While we're on the subject, can we stop putting those little fish derivations on the backs of our cars? First I see a little fish, and have to inquire what the %#$@ I'm looking at, what with having been brought up a godless heathen. Then the little fish has some variation on God's name in it. (Why exactly does God need a name anyway? When someone in heaven says, "Hey, God", is there really any doubt who's they're referring to?) In retaliation, we get a little fish with feet, proving that the scientific community is just as committed to marring the outside of their vehicles as the Christian folks. Then there's another fish eating the foot-bearing fish. And then the Flying Spaghetti Monster, presumably mocking the entire crowd with his noodly appendage. Enough already. What really kills me is that I keep wondering if these things are actually being made by terrorist groups in an effort to drive us all into a self destructive ball of road rage.

So stop it. I don't care if you're all for world peace. I don't want to know how well your kid is doing at school. I will neither decide for or against getting an abortion because of some thing you put on your car (kind of a moot point really, but you get the idea). You're just irritating other drivers, and not unlike tattoos, I'm sure that in hindsight you fully regretted putting that Child's Play 2 bumper sticker on your nice new car.

Unless, you know, someone else did that for you. In which case I'm sure that whoever it was is really, really sorry and never did anything like that again. Ever.