I Really Hope Kevin Smith Doesn't Read This

As some of you know, about a year ago, we moved from the suburbs of one college town to the suburbs of a bigger college town. Now, obviously I'm biased, but it seems to me that, in any area, you get certain archetypes of people. There's one of these archetypes that I don't understand, and I associate with college towns, but that might be a mistake. Feel free to correct me.

We were exploring the town soon after moving, and not surprisingly, exploring just meant checking out the Meijer that was closer to town than the one we usually shop at (for those not familiar, a Meijer is a huge grocery/department store that I'm kind of a junkie for - it's like a classier Super Wal Mart with less tank tops and Nascar hats). Upon entering, I couldn't help but notice this guy. He was maybe six and a half feet tall. He had long hair dyed some shade of dark (yes, that was the color - dark). His facial hair was cut in ann odd combination of goatee and mustache. So far, pretty standard for a college town. Here's the thing though.

He was really fat, and he wore a trench coat.

That right there is what I don't get. Why is it that younger, fat guys who want to look bad ass always go for the trench coat? Do they think it hides that their fat? Does the flowing nature of the coat make them feel like their wearing a cape, and they can pretend that they're Batman instead of Butterball? What the hell?

I ask these questions as a reformed fat guy in a trench coat. Yes, at one point during high school, when I was at my, shall we say "heftiest" (which is a polite was of saying orca fat), I donned not one but two different trench coats, and I haven't the foggiest idea why. Maybe I needed something that looked tough to try and cover the reality that was my dough boy appearance. Maybe I was using it as a hiding place, trying to avoid what I really was. Maybe I just saw Dick Tracy one too many times. I have no good explanation. One thing is for certain - I'm glad that I have no photo evidence of this period of my life, because I'm sure that, rather than making me look cool or mysterious, the trench coat just made me look like a giant, evil tent. The haunted carnival, personified.

Now, I know there are those of you who are saying to yourselves, "Maybe it's a coincidence. Maybe they're just dudes who like trench coats that happen to be fat.". Maybe, and I'm sure that accounts for a subset of them. I know I would wear a trench coat today despite no longer being the bucket of tubby I once was. But there is a correlation here, I'm sure of it. I've just seen too many of these people for there not to be. I just can't figure out what it is.

It probably has to do with the extra pockets. You can hide a lot of snack foods in those pockets.