As we come up on yet another Valentine's Day, I have decided that I want to work on being romantic. As such, I took advantage of having to wait for the pharmacy to open this morning so I could score more Sudafed and perused the selection of romance novels for sale at the grocery store. Unfortunately, I am saddled with sufficient dignity that I refuse to actually read said novels, so I am forced to base my potential upgrade purely on the covers.
The first thing I noticed was the lack of shirts. Despite popular opinion, women apparently don't really care for a well dressed man. Rather, they long for partially dressed men. Should a man choose to wear a shirt, that shirt should be unbuttoned at least down to his navel. What really struck me about this was that the other clothing worn was irrelevant. If, for example, you are a vampire prowling around on a damp summer evening (which is apparently sexy despite the fact that it's probably going to end with someone getting eaten) and you decide to throw on a trench coat to ward off the evening chill, you're not supposed to take the time to put a shirt on. Not a sartorial decision I would make, but I guess that why I am consistently overlooked in People's sexiest man alive issue. I guess I can take comfort in the fact that George Clooney probably constantly has a cold from going about half dressed all the time.
Okay, so I have to stop wearing so many shirts. I'm not really comfortable with that, but with dieting and exercise, I suppose I could learn to adapt. The real issue is that all the open shirts reveal the same thing - men who seem to completely lack body hair. I'm not sure what women have against chest hair, but on the novels I was looking at, there was nary a hair on the ten or fifteen bare chests I saw. Bizarre. I think I'll wait for an actual request from my good lady wife before I commit to the epic waxing that this would require.
The next big change, again based on the covers, is my demeanor. I try to be pretty laid back, and rely a lot on my sense of humor. Apparently this is a mistake. The key to being romantic is glowering. Fortunately for me, I've actually been working on this. I recently became aware of the fact that when I look at myself in the mirror, I tend to flex my jaw and narrow my eyes, probably due to subliminal training of mall posters and the very novels I'm referring to here. That or I'm angry with myself and, sometime in the near future, will bust out and kick my own ass. Only time will tell. Either way I need to start expressing such a dark demeanor to my lovely wife, as it is apparently very romantic.
Finally, I have another issue with my wardrobe. When shopping, I have, in the past, consistently chosen pants. Apparently this is a mistake, and I should have by now purchased several kilts. At least two of the covers featured long-haired Scotsman standing boldly in their kilts (and no shirt of course). I recall this coming up in The Thornbirds, but wrote it off at time. Clearly this was a mistake as it would seem that women find this romantic. After all, someone probably researches this stuff and writes based on that, right? Last I checked, sheep don't read, so someone must dig the kilt look.
So there you go fellas. I have done the research required to help shape us all into the romantic ideal that our women desire. We just need to shape ourselves into gloomy, kilt-wearing, freshly waxed, blousally challenged dreamboats.
Yeah...I think I'm going to just go with buying flowers or something.
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