Once again, this weekend found me making the hour and a half trek from my home to that of my in-laws who were graciously hanging out with the tots so we could get some stuff done. Since my lovely wife was working on the way (we didn't get our stuff done), I had plenty of time to take in all of the sights of a thawing Michigan landscape. Having used up that fifteen minutes, I spent the rest of the time thinking about weird things.
One of these things is billboards. First, a lot of billboards need to be worded better. I'll give you an example. On this drive, I pass by a billboard that tells me that every twenty minutes a child is diagnosed with autism, and every time I think to myself, "Well, maybe his parents ought to write it down or something so they can stop diagnosing him over and over. I mean, the kid's got to have better things to do that hanging around doctor's offices waiting to be diagnosed with autism again.". No, I do not think it in Seinfeld's voice.
More interesting to me though are the blank ones. Given the current economy, I see a lot of blanks that say "Your ad could be here for $500", and I think to myself, "Dude, I could find $500 for a billboard". Think about it. There's nothing that says that I, as a random yahoo, could not cough up the dough to get myself a prime piece of billboard space alongside interstate 94.
What does one do with such a space though? Well, my first idea was a straightforward ad for myself. Just a picture of me, perhaps in a suit, with a tagline like "Isn't it time you tried Roger?" or "Nine of ten doctors agree - Roger". Maybe instead I could use one of those really mysterious things that don't say anything at all but sound really interesting, like "Don't you owe it to yourself to know Roger?" or "Roger. Because you're worth it."
Because, really, aren't you?
Even better, I could use the space as a public service. "Roger says, 'Remember kids, when sharing the highway, try not to be a dick'." would be helpful for example. I also like "Studies show that male tailgating is a form of latent homosexuality." (That one came to mind during the drive home, when the car behind me was attempting to re-enact the Ned Beatty scene from Deliverance). I could wear a lab coat and hold a clipboard for that one.
Finally, I had an epiphany. If I was going to spend the money, I should really be using that money for something truly worthwhile. Therefore, I'm going to start a fund so I can buy up all of these blank billboards and fill them with good, common sense zombie preparation tips. Just the basic stuff, like "Remember, an axe never needs to be reloaded." or "I know it looks like grandma, but better safe than sorry.". Maybe we can can get backing from Max Brooks. Bruce Campbell could be our spokesman. We could change the world people!
I...I may have finally found my purpose in life.
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