It'll Make a Great Story For the Trash Collector, Once He Changes His Pants

There comes a time when, as a parent, some particularly noisy toy is going to be given to your child. Often, the noisiest of these will invariably come without benefit of an off switch or volume control. As such, one occasionally has to make the hard decision to jettison these toys without letting the little ones realize that the toy is gone.

Today was such a day.

Now, this requires a certain amount of planning and decision making, starting with how high profile the item is. As an example, my daughter received a saxophone once that makes me near insane, but both her and now her brother love it so that I've actually had to repair it when it broke from typical playtime abuse. There's no way I could safely get rid of this, instead having to be satisfied with the fact that the giver is preparing for their first baby, and Uncle Roger can't wait to start preparing the little lady for a future as a musician. Today, the item was a pair of talking eggs from an Easter basket (sorry, Grandma, but we don't want daddy on top of a tower with a sniper rifle) which, while immediately the favorite of both kids, were easily slipped out of view.

This brings me to part two of the process, which is the testing phase. During the testing phase, you remove the offending item to a secure location to see how badly it's going to be missed. On more that one occasion I've attempted this only to learn quickly that the toy in question was far more dear than I had previously gathered. The testing phase prevents you from having to lie to your kids ("Huh, I guess I accidentally threw it out.") and then buying a replacement, adding insult to injury as you pay to replace this scourge on your peace and quiet.

Once enough time has passed that you are reasonable sure you're in the clear, you can finally make the big move and transport the item to the trash. Do not, I repeat DO NOT put it in the garbage can inside your home. The toy will invariably get bumped at an inopportune moment, thus alerting the kids and once again forcing you to either fib or simply fess up and try to bargain with the child to allow the disposal to go forth (not bloody likely). Instead, transport the toy directly to the bin outside (or your car trunk for those worthy of donation), thus greatly reducing the chance of being busted in this manner.

Follow these rules, and you too can remove those pesky noisemakers from your home without drawing the ire of your offspring. Like me this morning, you can put out your trash bins for pickup secure in the knowledge that no longer will you have to suffer the headaches that come from whatever talking, singing, blaring, honking cacaophany that was created from that small bit of plastic and wires. You can be satisfied that your children will go on unaware of this maneuver, and thus a peace, albeit momentary, may be achieved in your happy household.

Of course in hindsight, I suppose I should have taken the batteries out first, but hey, how much trouble could come from the garbage men picking up the bin and hearing the easter eggs from within it say in a child's voice, "Hello? Can anyone hear me? Let me out. Let me out."?