Off To The Great Expansion Pack In The Sky

Today, we gather to mourn the passing of a hero. A man who fought tirelessly to rid the world of mad scientists and invading aliens through any means necessary, pausing only to release an infected individual, pass a few dollars to an unfortunate working girl, and maybe wipe his shoe. A man who, despite years of efforts, could not successfully be saved.

Today, we celebrate the life of Duke Nukem.

Duke's rise to fame began in 1991. Back then, Nukem worked with the CIA to stop a robotic army. While he proved to be an efficient asset, he was accused of being a little too serious. There were even those who suggested he was a bit two-dimensional. Still, he served well, saving the world on two separate occasions.



Despite his works, he lived in relative obscurity until 1996, when an alien invasion caused him to take up arms again. This time, his flamboyance, use of unusual technology, misogynistic tendencies and blatant theft of various catchphrases caused knowledge of his works to skyrocket. All over the world, people would sit at their computers watching him fly around with his jet pack, destroying the alien horde (and much of the scenery) in ways that had not been seen before. Unlike so many heroes of the time, he could look to the sky. No seriously - the others couldn't look up.



Left broken after the alien invasion (not to mention several expansion packs), Duke retired. Still, rumors of his return circulated. Near constant reports surface of his being rebuilt, faster, stronger, better. Images would find their way on the internet. Even video footage could be found that suggested that Duke was preparing for a future war of some kind. As years passed, however, many lost hope that Duke would return.



Now we know the truth: any hopes of Duke's return have been laid to rest. And so today we gather to celebrate the life of a man who worked tirelessly to defend the human race, only to disappear into a world of rumor and speculation. Hopefully, we can all learn from his life. Take the lessons that he laid out for us. Don't try to run through a room of aliens after you've been shrunk. Try not to step in alien doo-doo. Using all the good lines from other peoples works is a surprisingly effective way to endear yourself to the public.

But mostly, don't start promising the world a %#$@ing awesome game until you thing that there is a chance in hell that you might actually get around to coding and releasing said awesome game.