Only the Jokes Are Dangerously Cheesy

On numerous occasions, I've taken the opportunity to show off my status as a snack food aficionado. It is with this in mind that I must address a concern. As this issue has reared its ugly head in my own home recently, I can let it go no further.

These are Cheetos:

Cheetos are delicious, crunchy little stems of delight. They only have two flavor variants that I am aware of: Jalapeno and Flaming. Both burn in a good way. (Apparently, in Japan, you can get strawberry and milk chocolate as well. Japan is weird.) They come in two colors, namely the standard bright orange that cannot be found in nature or the Flaming red. If you turned my work keyboard over, a delightful confetti of red and orange Cheeto dust would rain down in a celebration of cheesy goodness. I choose not to do so, but rather keep this as a reserve in case I find myself trapped at work and in need of sustenance during the zombie apocalypse.

Anyway, recently upon being offerred her choice of a snack product to bring home for some celebration, my daughter chose Cheetos. I was, of course, proud, as any American father would be. Tastier than a potato chip, less risky than a random Dorito flavor, not one of those creepy, health-nut veggie chips (blech)...it was a fine choice. Well, almost.

See, what she picked were these:

These are Cheetos only in name and color. Unlike their perfect, crunchy counterparts, these are not acceptable. When you eat one of these, instead of getting a satisfying cruch, you get a dissolving mass of cornmeal that, if chewed, forms a plasticine layer over your teeth, a layer that will only gather in strength should you choose to continue. Eat a handful, and you'll find that your jaw no longer wishes to open, as the layer has begun to weld your teeth shut.

So, just to review, these are Cheetos:


These are packing material:


Any questions?