You Ever Accidentally Sit On The Remote? Well, That Just Got a Whole Lot Weirder.

Today, I've found another brilliant new technology, and I have to speak on it. Also, I'm going to use the word 'penis'. Repeatedly.

According to the link here (and my research has not unveiled it as false yet), Panasonic is experimenting with a gel remote that "stiffens" when it's used. My paraphrasing won't do it justice, so here's the line from the site:

Constructed of a soft, flesh-like gel, the remote appears cold when off. Once turned on, however, it seems to come to life. A soft light emanates somewhere from within as the center of the device begins to slowly rise and fall, mimicking the tranquil motions of breath. Left undisturbed, the remote will slumber peacefully. But should a human hand approach, sensors inside alert it to the imminent touch. It stops breathing, grows rigid - the light from within is extinguished.

And here it is:


Ordinarily, I would write this off as a joke. I mean surely no right-minded individual was looking at a remote control and thought to themselves, "Well sure it's useful, but how could I make it more like my penis?". So that means it penis-like qualities are accidental, which I would not have believed possible, but having watched the whole tea-bagging debacle unfold, I suppose my faith in human ignorance of double entendre has been restored to new heights.

Then it hits me that no, this isn't accidental at all. Someone in marketing has finally figured out a way to make men buy anything. Do you need a new remote? Of course not. You've probably got three you don't use already. But what if we can make it work just like your penis? Well, at the very least you have my attention.

This could lead to a whole new world of products. Penis flashlights. Penis pens. Penis kitchen utensils. A tool chest full of flaccid gadgets awaiting your firm grip to spring to life. Don't even get me started on the world of possibilities when it comes to the world of weaponry. Aim and fire indeed.

Of course, there is a risk inherent in such a product line (beyond the obvious embarrassment that would occur when you tried to show it off only to discover the batteries had died, leaving you unable to perform your channel changing). One of the great battles in any household is who is the keeper of the remote. In my house, we actually run a two party system, with my lovely wife controlling volume while I run the DVD player, to avoid the issue. Now imagine the battle should we invest in a universal remote of this type. You know how sometimes one of you can make the remote work better than the other one can? What if you had this remote, and somehow she was just better with it?

I would continue, but I've just been informed by the ghost of Sigmund Frued that I've officially taken it too far. There's one more reason I should remember not to leave the Ouija board out.