And Can Someone Tell Superman That the Underwear Go On the Inside?

At one point I had been overthinking the bizarre circumstances surrounding superhero creation, but I had glossed over the other thing that stops me from taking most superhero comics seriously. Then someone posted this article, and I was brutally reminded that even if I could stomach the idea that every single thing that happens results in a superpower, what happens next is worse. I mean, you have just discovered that you have evolved into something more than your fellow men, and whether you decide to use this power for good or evil, one thing is almost certain:

You're going shopping for tights.



Seriously, this is where a whole world of WTF opens up to me. Why the hell would anyone outside of a circus choose to don brightly colored spandex? I mean, you could wear anything, right? So where do the tights come in? If I decided to fight crime or become an arch villain, and I felt the need for a costume to hide my identity, I'm thinking I'd go with something ninja-like. More Mortal Kombat and less Peter Pan.

So then I start wondering why they started with these things in the first place. I mean, it can't be the intimidation factor. Well, I suppose if your power is having a huge package it could, but I'm pretty sure when Thor refers to his hammer, he's being literal. I can never buy the whole "well, the tight clothing means they don't get caught up in things" line, because half of them pin on a cape.

And then it hits me: the people who write these things think that deep down, everyone wants to dress this way. They think that it's only the intimidation of peer pressure and social morays that keeps me from showing up for a day of programming wearing a purple spandex jumpsuit with gold boots and a cape is the fact that, without superpowers, I would most likely get my ass kicked. Otherwise, I'd triumphantly walk in and plunk my fabulous self down for eight hours of coding, tapping my gold boots to MC Frontalot on my iPhone. This is, of course, ridiculous.

It's what keeps me from dressing like Guybrush Threepwood.