Painted With Cow's Feet, or Hoof Arted

One of my co-workers today was imparting upon me a family tale whereby one of his young relatives updated the time-honored classic "He who smelt it dealt it" with the more colloquial "The smeller is the feller". While a notable addition to the many variations that currently exist, I take issue with the rule itself. In fact, upon consideration, I think it's almost completely invalid.

Presumably, the rule is based on the classic gaseous misdirect, whereby the farter, waiting until the correct moment, casts the blame of the noxious fumes filling the area on a sitter nearby. While this does undoubtedly occur, I think it's really relegated to the area of sport among brothers, where the attempt is done not so much to hide guilt as to embarrass the accused.

Upon consideration, there are only two scenarios where a standard emission would potentially be blamed on another, and I really believe that in both cases it's the exception rather than the rule, the first case being the audible escapee. I'll give you an example. I heard an oft repeated tale in the circle of friends my parents sometimes hung around with that told of a man who, during a wedding, made the grave error of allowing a particularly noisy fart escape during a quiet moment on the ceremony. Thinking quickly, he promptly turned to his wife sitting next to him and accusingly said her name, as if appalled. Now, this is obviously a variation of the rule, and probably done for comedic purposes (that, or he had a really comfy couch at home), but really, how many would be so bold to take such actions?

The second, and more common, occurrence is the release of a traditional SBD in a crowded area. My favorite example of this is the theater or lecture hall, where people are crowded into rows of chairs. It is in this case, a case more closely related to the smelt-it-dealt-it adage in question, where the whole thing falls apart. An experienced practitioner of such deviltry will quickly point out that the correct reaction upon realizing that the rush of hot wind was indeed full of foul vapors is no reaction at all. Rather than accusing someone, it is best to wait it out. If you're lucky, the heaviness of the funk will bring the whole mess to ground level before it can spread to those around you. If the fallout does, in fact, begin to cause gasps, cries, eye watering, etc. in those around you, it is best to not be the first to react, instead reacting second or even third, thus maintaining the illusion that the wind is breaking from another direction.

This is all of course simply conjecture, as I have no first hand (cheek?) experience in such things myself. If I were to, however, I would recommend owning up to your own stink. Do not attempt to feign ignorance of what has occurred, which can lead to a habitual accusing and even shameful incidents such as my sister attempting the whole "Who farted?" routine when she and I were the only parties present (schmuck). Rather, be proud of the miracle that is your body, and the fact that it has the power to draw breath, think thoughts, create works, and clear a thirty-foot diameter circle in a crowded theater.

Just don't do it around me, 'kay?