Because Really, With a New Baby What Else Are People Going To Spend Money On

Today, as of roughly 12:19 AM, I became an uncle. Now, I just came off of a big birthday weekend, what with the Princess turning seven yesterday and having not one but two parties, so I'm in a birthday mindset. The thing is, I realized that they make all kinds of birthday card except one. So once again, it's up to me to state the obvious, million-dollar idea, and then count on the kindness of others (not to mention the ever present threat of litigation) to keep it safe: actual birth day cards.



Why not cards for the actual day of your birth? Why wait for a year to pass when you could start celebrating right freaking now? So, here are a few ideas I've been tossing around for actual birth day cards:

[Front] We welcome you to the world, a being of complete purity and innocence who can not even concieve of judgment
[Inside] Which is good, because just between us your mom and dad aren't going to know what the Hell they're doing for a while.

[Front] We welcome a new American to the land where you can be anything you want to be.
[Inside] Now when can you start? We've got a lot of old people to feed.

[Front] Happy birthday, little baby. I can't wait to teach you all sorts of games...
[Inside] Which you need, because that last hour of labor? Worst game of peek-a-boo ever.

[Front] Happy birthday! Enjoy this time when all your needs will be taken care of without question.
[Inside] Seriously, when you're grown up you have to pay extra if you want a diaper change, and even then they'll give you looks.

[Front] I will have the image of the first time I saw your sweet face forever burned into my memory.
[Inside] Now if only it didn't involve your sweet face pushing through your mom's vagoo.

Remember folks, you see one of these in a Hallmark, you let me know and we'll share the settlement.