So You Wanna Start a Cult

So, you've decided that you have the charm and charisma stats, and the time is right to start your own cult. You're tempted by the siren song of rabid followers who will do your bidding without question. Who wouldn't be, right? Well, as someone who has his own aspirations of world domination, I'm done some research and I'm here to give you some helpful suggestions when starting this endeavor.

1. No Dress Codes
For some reason, this is the first mistake a lot of cult leaders make. They start out strong with the whole "the beast has shown me the light and told me to share it with the world" pitch, but then move too quickly into whether or not pants are allowed. Most people, for whatever reason, like to dress themselves, and allowing them this freedom will net you more rabid followers. This is doubly true for forcing bad haircuts onto people. Trust me - no one wants to join The Alliance of the Golden Mullet.



2. Don't Advocate Violence
As a cult leader, you really shouldn't be advocating breaking the law in any manner, but for some reason this is another huge mistake a lot of otherwise successful cult leaders make. You get a good sized group of people who heed your every word, and then you get the cockamamie idea of having them hurt someone. This is a terrible idea. I realize that a lot of cult leader wannabes are really rage-filled shells desperate for the love and attention they missed out on by being a fat kid (one wonders how different history would be had the other schoolyard children not referred to him as "Ass The Size Of Branson Manson", but I digress), but really, you need to learn to let that go. These poeple love you now, or think they do anyway, and that should be enough. Besides, people don't usually like to hurt each other, and it irritates the Government, a sure way to lose any tax-free status that you would otherwise enjoy.

3. Don't Ask Anyone To Castrate Themselves
You know, I would think this one could go without saying, but I've been wrong before. It's one thing to convince a group of otherwise reasonable people that the comet that will pass by the Earth in a few weeks is actually an alien craft here to rescue the true believers. A lot of people are stupid, and would jump at the chance to perish in an effort to join these aliens (I'm not sure why everyone seems to assume things would be better with aliens, who last I checked are still best known for probing people without permission). Ending the pitch, however, with "So, you just need a new pair of Nikes, and then you've gotta cut your %#$@s off" is going to lose you a lot of followers. A lot of people are stupid, but not crazy.

So there you go - a few helpful hints to start you on your way. Of course, if you're really that charming and charismatic, maybe you could just go out and make some freinds. Take up bowling perhaps. After all, having a cult is a lot of work and responsibility, and not everyone is up to the challenge. But who knows, with hard work and dedication, you could be the next L. Ron Hubbard.

I figure if I make fun of him enough, I'll at least get the traffic from the Scientologists plotting my demise. Hi Tom!