Some of you out there will be charged with purchasing toys for children, so I thought I'd pass along a couple of helpful pieces of information. First, when you're shopping for a child who you will be around frequently, like your own, make sure to hunt down an open package for any toy you are seriously considering at the toy store. Once you find the open package, take the smallest piece out of the package, remove your shoe, and put your full weight unto that toy part. If the resulting pain from embedding...oh, I don't know...perhaps Princess Barbie's %#$@ing crown into your foot causes you to do more than slightly wince in pain, perhaps reconsider that particular toy.
My second bit of advice is to check for volume control. Many toys talk, produce sound effects, or play music at incredibly loud volumes. When considering one of these toys, make sure that it has both the ability to be turned down and the ability to be turned off. Failure to do so will result in what will inevitably be your child's favorite toy, which he or she will follow you around the house with, pushing the buttons over and over and over again until the very first electronic notes find you longing for the sweet release that death will bring. If the toy you are considering lacks these controls, it could still be a worthwhile purchase, but only for a niece or nephew, perhaps in retaliation for a certain sibling who insisted on sticking their feet in the popcorn bowl every movie night to ensure that he or she did not have to share.
Not...not that I would do such a thing, but not everyone is as forgiving as myself.
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