Honestly, the Vaginal Discharge Jokes Write Themselves

It's time for another sinus infection, and having procured yet another batch of prescription medication, I decided that just for fun I would actually read the little insert my pharmacist put into the bag instead of tossing it like I usually do. This, like most things I do, has led to some unusual thoughts. The thing that really got to me was in the section possible side effects.

Seek medical attention right away if any of these SEVERE side effects occur when using Amoxicillin/Clavulanate:

Severe allergic reactions (rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue); bloody stools; confusion; dark urine; fever, chills, or persistent sore throat; red, swollen, blistered, or peeling skin; seizures; severe diarrhea; stomach pain or cramps; unusual bruising or bleeding; vaginal discharge or irritation; yellowing of the skin or eyes.

These, as you know, are always my favorite part. I love the idea that I would need to be told to seek medical attention for some of this stuff. What say we break that list down?

• Severe allergic reactions (rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue)
  Duh


• bloody stools
  Ewwwwww...and "duh"


• confusion
  So I'm supposed to contact my doctor if I'm taking this and I watch Donnie Darko?
  


• dark urine
  What, like color, or prone to writing bad poetry and listening to Bauhaus?


• fever, chills, or persistent sore throat
  Dude, I'm sick - why do you think I'm on this to begin with?


• red, swollen, blistered, or peeling skin
  Okay, so spontaneous combustion is out so long as I'm on this stuff.


• seizures
  Not sure what the police taking my hard drive has to do with anything, but I guess I can tell me doctor. The pictures were of his wife after all.


• severe diarrhea
  Okay, define "severe". I'm not in the habit of rating my diarrhea (cha cha cha). Should I be going with book length, and maybe most Stephen King is okay but The Stand warrants a hospital stay?


• stomach pain or cramps
  Well, alright, but why my doctor wants to know about me eating an entire bag of Habanero Doritos is beyond me. Actually, this might apply to the last item as well.


• unusual bruising or bleeding
  As opposed to the usual stuff.


• vaginal discharge or irritation
  Yes, if I discharge a vagoo I'll let someone know. The other is more difficult, as vaginas are notoriously polite and might not mention it if I irritate them, no matter how much they abhor the term "vagoo".


• yellowing of the skin or eyes
  Hopefully, no one in Springfield will ever have need of this particular medication.
  

Of course I shouldn't mock. This will inevitably lead to me someday perishing from a severe reaction. I'll be left to die a swollen, peeling, confused, bloated, bruised, bleeding wreck of a man, lying in my own filth and mysteriously discharging vaguely irritated vaginas.

It'll make one hell of an obituary though, don't you think?