My Rude Bodily Noise Skills Are Legendary As Well

This weekend is the annual celebration of my failure as the ideal American man. No, it's not my wedding anniversary (and if you thought it was, I should let you know that whatever my lovely wife told you was a vicious lie). Instead, it's the annual gathering of men around big-screen televisions all across the country to watch incredibly expensive ads for beer and erectile dysfunction drugs.

Oh, and there will be a football game in there somewhere as well.



Yes, it's Super Bowl weekend again. While I care about football slightly less than, say, the price of head cheese in Venezuela, I know that once again I will consider this as I'm doing laundry this weekend and feel just a little left out. It's not that I actually want to watch men in padded outfits fighting over a piece of leather and slapping each other on the ass - I've got clubs I can go to for that. Rather it's that I know a lot of the other guys will be gathering together to watch it, so I'm losing that camaraderie.

It's actually worse because it reminds me of all the things that guys are supposed to do together that I just never picked up. Despite my willingness to sit in a boat and drink, fishing doesn't really appeal to me. Golf has never come up either, surprising given my sartorial history. I won't repeat my lament regarding my lack of handyman skills, beyond saying that I'm not going to be invited to any barn-raisings in the near future. I don't even like The Three Stooges all that much.

Perhaps I'm reading too much into all of this. After all, I'm man enough to have reproduced twice, which isn't bad. All of this manly nonsense is just stereotypical rubbish anyway, right? There's nothing inherently manly about sitting around eating chicken wings and yelling at your television that I can see, so I suppose I should just learn to accept that it's not who I am.

Besides, I can always take comfort in the fact that I show amazing aptitude for both swilling beer and inappropriate scratching which is more than enough to hold on to my man card.