Probably Cut Down On Future Therapy Bills As Well

You know, I try not to point out every time I see a headline that makes me facepalm. Really, I do. But seeing that the good people at the University of Michigan have now confirmed the long-held theory that fat kids get bullied more often that non-fatties just blew me away. As a recovered fat kid (eventually, I wasn't a kid anymore), I actually read this three or four times just to make sure there wasn't something more to the findings, because this doesn't seem like something that would require science.

Honestly, how can anyone find this surprising? Fat people are the nation's last, best hope for being mocked. You can't make racial jokes anymore because they're, you know, offensive. Go ahead and try to make a joke about a woman's proper place and let me know what it's like to get bitch-slapped by the Secretary of State (although it's gotta hurt going for the management job and ending up a secretary, but I digress). Thanks to all the efforts of the hard-lined conservatives to strip basic rights away from gays, those of us who know better can no longer of good conscience even tread those waters (with the continued exception of Maxwell, who I assume gay people make fun of as well on the basis of...well, look at him).



What we have left is fat people and monkeys (and deep down, we all know the monkeys are going to rise up against us someday). See, when we make fun of fat people, we do so with a certain impunity. It's not like other minority groups where there was no choice. Most fat people are fat because of their own actions. Yes, there are exceptions for medical conditions, but typically, if someone is really obese, you can safely bet that there was a Twinkie involved somewhere along the way. Not even Buddha was born really, really fat. At some point, he let himself go.

Am I saying that it's okay for these kids to get bullied? Of course not. It's despicable. We need to protect these kids. Instead, their parents should be required to spend a certain amount of time in the school, hanging out on the playground, sitting in the lunchroom, so they can be bullied in the place of their children, since they're the ones to damned lazy to swat that cookie out of junior's hand when such actions are required. Hell, let junior join in.

I would imagine pounding mom and dad with a dodge ball would burn more than a few calories, no?