Call It The McWTF

With the recent release of the KFC Double Down - a bacon and cheese sandwich on a fried chicken bun - I have been pondering the reasoning behind such foods. Honestly, if I wasn't a vegetarian, I could see the moment where I'd consider eating such a thing despite the fact that it could probably kill me where I sat, the last bite still oozing grease onto the paper wrapper my head rested upon, giving the brief illusion of a tear falling from one of the Colonial's wee, beady eyes. "Why," I ask myself, "would anyone even consider doing that to themselves?", and then it hit me.

This is all because of Doritos.

See, I blame Doritos for planting the idea that eating could somehow be an "extreme experience". I think that this, combined with the natural human tendency to take risks for cheap thrills, leads to foods that no one actually thinks they should eat, but they do anyway. Just ask Luther Vandross. Oh wait, my bad.

While the old me would have reprimanded the people at KFC for such things, I will instead engage my creativity once again to make a suggestion that, given these facts, will lead to the greatest selling fast food product of all time. See, it's not enough anymore to make it really bad for you. Hell, everyone does that. No, we've clearly raised the bar of fast food offerrings to require something so repulsive, people will have to try it just for bragging rights.

Thus, we need a fast-food haggis burger.



Seriously, imagine it. Take a thick slice of traditional haggis, complete with a sheep's heart, liver and lungs stuffed into its stomach, coat it in breading and deep fat fry that sumbitch. Now drop it on a bun with a special sauce (preferrably Scotch whisky based), and put it in a value meal with a mess of fries (or even better, deep fried "neeps and tatties", which is just mashed rutabega and potato, but totally sounds dirty and would thus sell better). I'm getting sick just thinking about it. Whoever picks this up will sell a million of them in the first week.

I'm leaning towards McDonald's for obvious reasons, but really whoever steals it first can run with it.