I Definitely Side Wth Almond Joy On This One

I've discussed some of my candy based pet peeves before. Having settled out of court with the OLADF (Oompa Loompa Andi-Defamation League), you'd think that I would shy away from further discussion, but I will not be silenced so easily. Besides, as long as I leave those little freaks out of this, I think I'm clear.

So, let's talk some more about candy silliness, starting with slogans. Why is it that candy makers, or the marketers that guide them, insist on slapping a slogan on the outside of a candy wrapper that, to the adult who is most likely going to pay for said candy, begs for an inappropriate interpretation? As an example, this morning I hit up the office candy bucket, and the outside of my watermelon Now and Later actually has the words "Hard 'N Fruity". Hard and fruity? I dare you to Google that at work. Hell, I double dare you to do a image search on it. Go on. You know you want to. Sicko.

Now, I'm sure that to an innocent child, that's fine, but as an adult who tends to read way too much into the the things I...well, read, I'm not sure that I'm comfortable consuming something that declares itself hard and fruity (not that there's anything wrong with that if hard and fruity is your thing). Combine it with a handful of Skittles, and you have hard and fruity while you taste the rainbow. I'm pretty sure you can't eat them together without being in some kind of pride parade.

How about some of the misleading marketing that goes on with our candy? How about my favorite online moniker, "Fun Size"? We're all familiar with the miniature versions of our favorite candy bars. But seriously, fun size? That's fun size? Makes you wonder about a person who is convinced that an inch and a half is the actual size of fun. I'm guessing it's a man. A very sad, lonely man.

On a related note, I always feel bad for the miniature packages of Twix bars, simply because the very premise of the Twix bar is that there are two of them. The mini ones, however, are packaged singly. I pity them, knowing that somewhere out there is an identical bar, its partner in confectionery goodness, forever separated from it by a shiny wrapper. So I eat them. You know, to put them out of their misery. It makes me feel like I'm doing a good deed while getting my sugar fix.

Anyway, we'll end on a slogan that's not an outright lie so much as an indirection. "The milk chocolate melts in your mouth, not in your hand." Well, yes, I suppose that's true. Anyone who's ever made the mistake of taking a handful of M&Ms on a hot day knows perfectly well that the chocolate does not, in fact, melt in your hand. The $&#*ing candy coating melts in your hand. So yeah, kudos to you guys. My hands are chocolate free. Now I just have to get past looking like I recently bitch slapped Rainbow Brite, and I'm good.

Don't get me wrong. I don't expect anything to change. I'm sure that for the remainder of my days having to face the ridiculous things these people come up with in an effort to get my kid's attention onto the latest candy. I just wish we could put more effort into making these things more meaningful, like the Mounds/Almond Joy people did with "Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you don't."

Truer words were never spoken.