Tapes or CDs Indeed

As part of the new school year, we began establishing the evening routine last night, the first portion of which is emptying the Princess's bag of all school paperwork. We rifle through, reading notes, ignoring fund raisers (seriously, I'm not buying a &#$%ing frozen lasagna from you), and identifying homework, both hers and ours. Last night, we got a surprising note from her teacher. Apparently, one of the students in class has peanut allergies. As such, there is a complete ban in the class of peanut products, including no peanut butter in anyone's lunch.

I was officially taken aback by this. I understand that for bringing in birthday treats, care would have to be taken, and I can even see where snacks eaten in the classroom individually might need to be scrubbed, but not allowing peanut butter in lunches at all? Has our friend arachic hypogea been demonized to such an extent that an American staple of lunchboxes is now to be treated as contraband? Or is this another example of political correctness getting out of hand, us coddling those with disabilities of any kind in an effort to be seen as supportive (as well as avoid any attacks and bad press from disability support groups)?

Either way, I was actually upset by this. As vegetarians, the PB&J lunch is a favorite around here, and taking it away does take a major chunk out of our weekly menu (not to mention remove what is by far the easiest thing to pack). So, I go into research mode and start digging around on this. It seems that this is one of those mystery illnesses that crop up once in a while. According to the Mayo Clinic, peanut allergy symptoms range from a mild rash to anaphylaxis, an irritating symptom that leads that another irritating symptom, sudden death. Even more interesting is that anaphylaxis is treated with an emergency injection of adrenaline, a la Pulp Fiction.

Okay, now that I've established a bit of perspective one the situation (it's a pain to drop peanut butter and jelly from the menu, but not as bad as a kid getting a hypodermic to the chest), I still can't figure out where this came from. I mean, I grew up eating these luscious legumes as a staple of our diet, with nary a report of some kid puffing up and expiring from them. (And yes, they are legumes, not nuts, which is why they are called "pea" nuts. Well, that and their other name, "monkey nuts", doesn't sit well mentally.) Reports vary wildly, some claiming 75 deaths between 1975 and 1999, others claiming 175 deaths annually due to allergies, the majority being peanut related. I'm not linking because I don't frankly trust either source.

So, what is the real reason for the sudden increase in awareness and, seemingly, toxicity of the gentle peanut? Well, I think that's obvious given any real thought. Clearly, the problem is being caused by Republicans.

No, wait. Hear me out. Go back to 1977, when I was a wee lad of only two. Jimmy Carter, our 39th President moves up from his position as Governor of Georgia having achieved a narrow victory over Gerald Ford. Naturally, this honks off the Republicans, who immediately set a plan into action to see to it that Carter will be ousted in four years. What better way to drive down the man's approval rating than to attack him where he lives. Using genetic mutations, the GOP slowly introduces a new breed of peanut into the wild, which quietly and unnoticed replaces the previous incarnation. People start getting sick from them, associating the illness with the sitting President, and voila, four year later we get an actor with the shiniest hair to ever gleam in the oval office.

My God, George Washington Carver must have been rolling in his grave.