Why Nobody Goes to Fresno

This is a little unusual, but the following story is such a gem that I feel the need to post it here so, should it get lost in a brevity that is the internet lifespan, you all get a chance to enjoy it:

Authorities: Burglar wakes men with spice rub

FRESNO, Calif. (AP) — Authorities say they've arrested a man who broke into the home of two California farmworkers, stole money, rubbed one with spices and whacked the other with a sausage before fleeing.

Fresno County sheriff's Lt. Ian Burrimond says 22-year-old Antonio Vasquez was found hiding in a field wearing only a T-shirt, boxers and socks after the Saturday morning attack.

He says deputies arrested Vasquez after finding a wallet containing his ID in the ransacked house.

The farmworkers told deputies the suspect woke them Saturday morning by rubbing spices on one of them and smacking the other with an 8-inch sausage.

Burrimond says money allegedly stolen was recovered.

Information from: The Fresno Bee, http://www.fresnobee.com

What I love about stories like this is that, in such a small space, they offer so much. At it's heart, it's a simple caper, a burglary by a desperate man in need of funds. Despite knowing that it's wrong, he decides he must resort to breaking and entering.

So, you've decided that in order to collect the money to get your wife the surgery she needs to survive (I tend to over think the motives, as it helps me remember that a crime is rarely executed out of evil intentions), you're going to break into a house. Now, the risk inherent to breaking into a house is that you may very well run into someone who owns said house, someone who is most likely going to be less than thrilled with you being there. You need to be able to defend yourself, but you aren't going in there with the intention of hurting anyone, so guns and knives are out. You decide that a pocketful full of spices would effectively blind someone, so you grab some steak rub, and off you go.

But wait! What if the homeowner has a dog? You'll need something to distract the hound from your hindquarters. This is where the sausage comes in. You whip out your 8 inch kielbasa (stop it), and the dog will forget all about his beloved master for a moment or two.

Fine, so we've established why a person might be breaking into a house armed with a sausage and a pocketful of spices, other than being part of the terrifying but talented German Ninja Chef Assassin Squad (the only group of assassins known to offer their victims a last meal). Unfortunately, my imaginative abilities either can't, or simple refuse to, establish a motive for dropping your pants, using the spice rub for its intended purpose on one of the victims, and then whacking someone else with the sausage before fleeing with your ill gotten gains. I mean, I'm assuming the guy didn't stand still while the burglar administered the vicious spice rubbing, so I'm guessing the victim was asleep when the, ahem, 'rubbing' commenced.

This can only mean that the burglar, for whatever reason, went in there with the intention of administering a spice rubbing to someone. I can think of a lot of reasons why I would hit someone across the face with a sausage. I mean, the humiliation alone of having to file a police report that you were pummeled by a polish, beat down by a bratwurst or smacked by a salami would be worth what would most likely result in parole. Plus, just before you hit them, you could look them in the eye and say "Que pasa, kielbasa?" in your best Dirty Harry voice. If someone did that to me, I think I could forgive them for the sausage-based shenanigans that followed. But a spice rub while wearing just a t-shirt, boxer shorts and socks? Man, that's just sick.

Unless, you know, he was planning on eating him later, in which case I suppose it's just being prepared.