Okay, so now that I've tried to help you fellas sexy yourselves up, I realized that I should go one step further. After all, I have a wife who is consumed by passionate thoughts of me at all times of the day. At least I think she is. I mean, she never said that she isn't, so it seems like a fair assumption, right? Anyway, I thought I should give you guys some more advice on being romantic and junk*.
The first thing is that if you're thinking of buying a gift, consider sending it to their office or place of work. Despite the illness I feel watching the Vermont Teddy Bear ad full of squealing women, there is something to it. The ladies like to get gifts at work that show someone is thinking about them. Be wary, however. If you intend to give a gift of lingerie or, ahem, "marital aids", then don't send them to her job. This last point is particularly important, as having the bomb squad called because a package arrived vibrating is not particularly romantic, and a mistake you only make once. I've heard.
When romancing a lady, you should consider how you dress. It should be noted that when a women indicates that she would like you to dress up for Valentine's Day, what she means is put on a freshly pressed pair of pants and shirt, perhaps a jacket. What the heck, go all out and maybe shave or something. She does not mean that she wants you to show up in a fireman uniform, a cowboy outfit, or a skimpy negligee, particularly if you choose to borrow her pumps that just happen to be the right shade of pink to match that negligee, even if said pumps were perfectly fine afterward and not "all squished out of shape by your giant man-feet".
Another important skill when it comes to romance is knowing how to compliment a lady. When complimenting a woman, it is important to be specific. It isn't enough to say that she looks nice. Rather, try and point out what exactly about her appeals to you at that moment. An example might be, "Wow, that color of dress really shows off how beautiful your eyes are". It's important to remember, however, to tailor your compliment to the person you're speaking to. Despite what you may think, your favorite features of your significant other may be off limits here. Just try to avoid any compliments involving the following words: can/cans, jubblies, hooters, booty, ayus (as in "that ayus"), boobies, hoo hah...you know what, just ask yourself if you would pay the same compliment to your mother, and if the answer is no, then skip it.
Finally, just remind yourself that you're lucky to have someone. Remind yourself that you have a person who thinks about you and who cares about you. Remind yourself that this person does this on a regular basis despite the overwhelming odds that you're probably an undeserving lout, and that you should really appreciate it if your fortunate enough to have such a person in your life. Keep reminding yourself that, all day, every day, long after Valentine's has come and gone.
You keep that up and you just might get away with the fact that you forgot to start preparing for Valentine's Day until now, you schmuck.
*Disclaimer: The advice given here is obviously meant to be humorous. The author is actually a Grade-A smoove operator. Just ask your mom.
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