If You Read This In The Next Twenty Minutes, You Can Read It Again Totally For Free

As someone who doesn't watch a ton of television, I get to avoid a lot of commercials. Nevertheless, I am of course familiar with Billy Mays, the huckster of such products as Orange Glo and OxiClean, the latter of which has saved countless outfits that my offspring has attempted to destroy. Billy, with his endless enthusiasm and clean cut look, has come to be someone I listen to, someone who I will almost trust when he's pushing a product.

Just look how happy he is, and this is over an OxiClean Ball thing. I don't get that excited for my birthday, and I %#$@ing love my birthday.

There is, however, a new act in town, and I think he may be on to something. I refer to one Vince Offer, the man who initially pushed the ShamWow, and now can be seen shilling the SlapChop. Vince brings something new to the game. He talks fast. He moves around too much. He acts like you're a shmoe for having not ordered yet. I listen for about five seconds before I know you can't trust him.

But I still listen.

Have a look at the man selling the SlapChop. It's such a load. All of your troubles will melt away now that you can...I don't know. Cut stuff I guess.

I love the contrast between these two guys. Mays is the sort of person you can count on. You would call him for advice. He would help you move or install a toilet. He's someone you could ask about taxes or the best car to buy. You would trust your kids with him.

If I needed to call someone from jail, however, I'm guessing that Offer is the guy who would have the necessary knowledge.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to cast aspersions on the guys character necessarily. I'm just thinking he'd be more fun to go to the bar with. He knows where you can get a good burger at two thirty in the morning. He's the guy you want running co-op in Halo. He's funnier. I mean come on, the guy worked the phrase, "You're gonna love my nuts." into a nationally run commercial, and don't tell me it was an accident. That was art.

Anyway, I look forward to seeing if his brand of hucksterism will catch on. His act is so ridiculously transparent that one has to assume that it's intentional. I wonder at what point he and Billy will be competing for sponsors.

What I really wonder, though, is who would Ron Popeil pass his torch (or Showtime Rotisserie) to.