Once Again, Seinfeld Proves Prophetic

In hard economic times, it's easy to forget that there are people out there who have troubles worse than your own. Today, I was reminded of a group of people who suffer quietly, a group who lives with unnecessary shame and degradation because of a society that puts too much pressure on looks. Even worse, this affliction affects only men, a group who is traditionally branded as "having it easy" because with age comes a supposed dashing maturity. Unfortunately, for millions, it's not so easy.

I am referring, of course, to Flappy Old Hootie syndrome, or FOH.

Once thought to be contained to areas of Florida and Southern California, it is now known that FOH strikes one out of every three men over 50*. These men have to hide their shame beneath baggy sweatshirts or multicolored sweaters, always fearing the discovery of their droopping moobs. Fortunately, the tireless work of the paparazzi has now made it public knowledge that even the manliest of men are likely to succumb to FOH.



So why is FOH such a difficult thing for men to deal with? Well, the fact is that while much attention is paid to the effects of media on the way women view themselves, little is said about the same thing with men. The truth is that men are faced with the same barrage of images that women face. Young, fit men lounging on beaches (including the American President), musclebound wrestlers oiled up and flexing, action stars tearing their shirts open, revealing their bulging, perfectly formed chests all put unrealistic expectations on our aging male population**.

Fortunately, some celebrities have stepped forward to aid in the cause. Even Ricardo Montalban, prior to his recent passing, confessed regret in agreeing to wear the prosthetic chest as Kahn in the second Star Trek film. He acknowledged the fact that it put unfair pressure on the already self-conscious nerd crowd to hide their FOH, an affliction Montalban himself lived with***.



Fortunately, there is hope. Huge advances have been made in the field of pectoral implants. Also, some cultures have begun to accept men's needs, and are now showing the support required. What's really needed, though, is public acknowledgment that FOH is a natural part of aging, and nothing to be ashamed of. Our older generation needs to be empowered to throw off their jerseys and flannel and proudly declare, "I am a man with flappy, old hooties, and I will not be ashamed anymore!".

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go do a %#$@load of push ups.


*Facts quoted here are completely made up, and should be taken at least as seriously as any you might hear from, say, a talk radio pundit.

**Did that come off as a little gay? It did, didn't it?

***These statements are also false, and meant in jest. We here at DLOG have the utmost respect for Montalban, and hope that these statements are taken for the humor intended and will lead to neither lawsuits from his family or an ass kicking from William Shatner.