So today I got my annual self assessment out of the way, and as usual I feel ridiculous about it. Don't get me wrong - I think it's a good idea that we do a self assessment. It's just that no matter what I do, I end up feeling like it was wrong, which is a far cry from my actual work where I typically feel like an infallible being of almost infinite talent. (Okay, that's a bit of hyperbole. I'm sure my talent is finite, we just haven't found the end yet.)
The problem with a self assessment is that I either feel like I'm selling myself short, or I feel like I'm exaggerating my contributions. I do my best to find a nice middle ground, but it's hard. I really don't sit around assessing my performance on a regular basis. I prefer to squander my time, you know, actually doing my job.
It used to be that I would always hold back a little bit. I didn't ever want to sound like I was bragging or exaggerating, so I always rated myself as average or sufficient. The thing is, I really am good at what I do. So I'd sit there and say something like, "I think I do a good job", but inside I'd be thinking that without me the entire project would devolve into a wailing and gnashing of teeth. (I used to have a little problem with being egotistical. Fortunately, I got that in check, which only adds to my overall awesomeness.)
These days, I realize that no one is going to toot my horn for me (at least not since that harassment suit), so I try to be more accurate about what I felt I contributed. The problem is that now, I feel like my assessment is all braggadocio. I mean, I don't really think I'm exaggerating, but when I read over it all before I hit submit, I feel like I might as well have written, "This year, I accomplished all of my goals while repeatedly bailing out the rest of the team, only taking time off to cure cancer (pending FDA approval), save kittens from burning buildings, and read stories to orphans who would otherwise be forming drug habits".
I guess as long as I'm honest it doesn't matter. I just don't like having to evaluate myself like this. I'm not big on self-reflection, something I've been working on for the last few years, and it's...well, it's bothersome. Besides when you get right down to it, you all know I just want to type something smarmy in those comment fields.
Did I satisfy this requirement? I satisfied it in a way that no programmer has ever satisfied it before. I've ruined this requirement for other programmers. Years from now, when I've moved on to something bigger and better, this requirement will still think longingly on this experience and have to support itself against a desk as its knees grow weak, explaining to the latest programmers that it just grew faint for a moment, trying to hide the tear that runs down its cheek from knowing that never again will it experience satisfaction like it has today.
Yeah, I think I better stick with "I think I did a good job".
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