Sometimes, Aim Is Not Enough

We're not going to talk about Earth Day being today, because let's be honest, Earth is getting plenty of PR. Don't believe me? Go ask someone over the age of four if they know what Earth is. Besides, now Earth has Disney working for it, so really, what more could I add?

No, instead I'm going to continue yesterday's conversation of awkward things men have to deal with in restrooms that our lady friends do not. Not that the women should all stop reading at this point - you've got fathers, husbands and sons who deal with these issues, and you should know about them, particularly this one, as we are occasionally reprimanded as a result of it. See when a woman approaches a numero uno situation, she is going to sit down. This has predictable results, i.e. you know where everything is headed at the penultimate moment. This means that you never have to face one of the strangest things that can happen to a man.

Once in a while, with absolutely no warning whatsoever, you fire in a completely random direction.

Seriously, it's terrifying. You're stepping up to do your business, and the next thing you know, your shooting a laser beam at a distinct forty-five degree angle to the left, and you have no idea why. You haven't changed your stance, your grip is the same as last time, there's no dramatic variance in pressure, but the result looks like your attempting the maneuver in a hurricane wind. If you're lucky, you quickly correct for the new trajectory and that's the end of it.

Sometimes, however, things go from bad to worse. Again, for reasons typically not apparent, your correction just leads to a radically new direction. A hard left shifts to some combination of right, down, or, in the truly worst case scenario, up. You find yourself squirming around trying to get things under control (for some reason, the idea of stopping typically never crosses the mind - it's too much like stopping to ask for directions perhaps, and besides, the seal's been broken and there's really no turning back that that point) until the mission is complete, hopefully with as little splash damage as possible.

If that isn't weird enough for you, there's the extra special case where you go to do your thing only to discover that the beam is split. Oddly enough, this is nowhere near as harrowing as the other cases. At that point you know you're screwed, so you just have to try and correct for the branch that would cause the most damage and commit to cleaning up afterward.

So yeah, when a man goes to rid himself of that last cup of coffee, there's a slight chance he's about to become the unwitting participant in a brief adventure. Be glad then, female readers, that when you go about your business, you can be fairly confident that the outcome is as predictable as the wardrobe of any movie shown after midnight on Cinemax (Wait, they have to take their clothes off why now?). Perhaps you might even be a little understanding when you find that a man in your life has strayed a bit.

On the bright side, we can still draw pictures in the snow, and that will never cease to be awesome.