Why, WikiPedia? Why Do You Do This To Me?

Last night while the Princess read one of my favorite kids books, How Do Dinosaurs Say Goodnight?, something bizarre crossed my mind. In all the years I've been looking at dinosaur pictures, never once have I seen a picture that included a dinosaur's naughty bits. Not that I expect to see such a thing in a children's book, but what about all the museums and scientific literature? Why is there no mention of dino-junk?

At first I figured it was because all we have is bones to go on. Given just a skeleton, perhaps the scientific community was apprehensive to assume what a tyrannosaurus's little rex may look like. That doesn't hold water though, since they seem perfectly comfortable guessing what color they might have been (part of me still wonders if t-rex was not only vicious, but chartreuse and fabulous to boot).

Well, I decided to use my investigative skills to track down some answers. I realized that dinosaurs were basically giant reptiles, so I set about researching reptile reproduction (it's amazing, the things I do to entertain you people). This led to several shocking discoveries. I would warn those who are sensitive to such topics (or eating right now) that they may want to consider veering from this site for the remainder of my post. Go look at Cute Overload or something.

Okay, first, some reptiles don't even have proper junk. They have a cloaca, which is essentially a one-stop-shopping portal for all your excretory needs. All number one and number two comes out of this place, which is charming in and of itself, but the same vent is used for reproduction. As if this isn't gross enough (and it really, really is), when they bump these things together in mating season, it is referred to as a "cloacal kiss". You know, I remember biology being disgusting, but seriously, did this process need a name? I feel like I need to eat a whole pack of Tic Tacs just reading that.

So, now that I'm thoroughly icked out, I read on to discover that some reptiles are actually packing proper male junk that they keep hidden most of the time, thus again giving me hope that perhaps our t-rex had something to make up for those foofy arms of his (Seriously, what purpose did those serve? Waving at dinosaur sailors?). Then it goes on to say that other reptiles are not just packing a piece, but they've got what's called hemepenes. So they actually have a pair of pipers that they can swap between.

I...I don't even know what to say now. Now I've got these images in my head. Velociraptors pushing their bottoms together, accompanied by a loud kissing sound. A triceratops looking at his crotch and yelling "peek-a-boo" every time he makes his thing stick out. An allosaurus shifting from side to side, each time poking out one of his two winkies, while Fatboy Slim's "Weapon of Choice" is playing in the background. Why, why did I have to look this up? Why couldn't I leave it alone? What possible good could come from having this knowledge, these images in my head?

And then I realized the obvious answer: so I could share it all with you.