God, That Must Be Your Feet Then

I've discussed interesting perfumes and colognes here before. It's kind of required sometimes. I mean, had I not acknowledged the Star Trek colognes (which I still haven't received as a gift despite my best hinting), I would have put my nerd card at risk. And who wouldn't want to cover the Burger King scent. Well, something has come up that surpasses my wildest expectations.

Someone has released the the scent of va-jay-jay in a bottle and called it Vulva Original.

At first I figured this was an April Fool's day set up, but apparently it's been around for years. Trying to ignore the fact that the company didn't go out of business, fire all of it's employees and burn to the ground within weeks of announcing such a product, I did a bit of poking around (heh) and found corroboration via Jezebel. Apparently, they are not actually marketing this as a cologne or perfume but rather a "beguiling vaginal scent which is purely a substance for your own smelling pleasure".

If you can read that sentence without getting a serious case of the wiggums, you're a stronger person than I am.

Of course I have grave concerns about this, starting with that name. What kind of name is "Vulva"? Could they not at least make an effort at being creative? Perfumes always have these subtle names. Why not follow suit and call it something like Marée Basse? That or just go all out and just call it Giney.

Also, if you're going to release a product like this, don't rely on word of mouth to get the news out. This calls for a real marketing effort, a true media blitz. Besides, has there ever been a product that cried out so much for a celebrity spokesperson?

Vulva Original: for the man who wants to smell just like Tiger Woods.

That, Or They Just Really Loved Sacrificing Goats

One thing I don't understand is Satanism. I don't mean LeVayan Satanism, which is basically atheism built around irritating Christians, but those people who actually believe that Satan is a deity worth worshiping. This...this makes no sense to me.

Here's my issue: all the information we have on Satan theoretically comes from the Bible, right? I mean, that's where it all starts, laying out his role as a Heavenly prosecutor who chose sides poorly and got his Heavenly butt kicked to the proverbial curb by the man in charge. So far, so good, right?



I know there are several, subtly differing versions of the Bible floating around. There are new testaments and old testaments and last season's testaments and hey-don't-throw-that-out-I-can-still-get-some-use-out-of-it testaments. Throw in updated editions, add-ons by new and exciting prophets plus the various translations, and you could probably build a library out of the differing versions this one book, right?

Now the one thing I think they all have in common (and feel free to correct me, those among you who have more experience with this) is that there isn't a version where Satan or Lucifer or whatever he goes by is an okay dude. I have yet to come across the Biblical description of Satan as just some misunderstood kid who spoke out of turn and was made an example of, so now he messes with humanity, but really deep down he's okay. Maybe he just needs a hug, but it never happens because he's always on fire or whatever.

So the one source we have on the guy basically spells out that he's kind of a douche. Nonetheless, some group (presumably made up of people with similar, douche-like qualities) has decided not only that he's real but that he's worth worshiping. I could even understand it if they were just doing it for attention, as with the LeVay crowd. Any basis for real belief, however, completely eludes me.

Maybe someone just woke up one day and said, "I wonder what it's like to be smited. How do we make that happen?".

Of Course It Would Be Under There

Like most people, I come across thing on the internet that I wasn't necessarily looking for. Such an example is Men's Underwear Guy. (Link NSFW. I'll explain in a bit.) No, it's not the most ridiculous superhero webcomic ever. Rather, it's a site where one man dedicates himself to reviewing men's underwear.

Seriously.

Now I'm a big fan of online reviews, turning to the net before making most of my major purchases. Never before would I have considered pausing before picking up a pack of BVDs, considering that maybe I should be doing more research into what I'm girding my loins with. Really, once I outgrew Underoos, my interest in the fashion considerations of my delicates waned almost completely.



This individual, on the other hand, has an affinity for men's lingerie that borders on disturbing. This in and of itself would be impressive, but the fact is he would appear to be reviewing the products the only way a person really can - he's trying them all himself. And how do we know this?

Because he's modeling every single thing he reviews.

This is amazing to me. Initially, my inclination was to believe that the guy was simply running this site to work out some exhibitionist tendencies. Well, that or he wanted a socially acceptable outlet to show his six-pack abs and that he's packing more heat than Neo attacking a building in the one and only Matrix movie ever made. Ever.

The thing is, he's really reviewing these things. Every thong, sling and leather thing is being rated, graphed and commented on in detail usually reserved for home stereo equipment. The man is a &$%#ing connoisseur. I was only on the site for like five minutes, and he has me questioning whether I should be choosing unmentionables more worthy of mention.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not throwing out my current collection to be replaced with the shoulder-harnessed jocks made famous by Borat (and yeah, they're in there). Still, next time I go to replace a worn set of briefs, I might consider doing a little reading first.

Of course it might compel me to pick up cucumbers and aluminum foil while I'm out shopping, but perhaps that's the price one pays for fashion.

DLOG Presents: Parent Resources For Buying Video Games

Unless your Amish, it's pretty much a given that your children are going to be playing video games, and as a responsible parent you're going to want to make sure you're protecting their fragile little minds from potentially harmful content. Many parents are intimidated by this, what with not knowing much about games and the constant stream of doucheba...concerned individuals touting the dangers of video game playing. Fortunately, there are many fine resources available to you.

First and foremost, we have the Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB) rating system. These simple to use ratings allow a parent to, at a glance, figure out what games are appropriate for their children's age groups. Amazingly, many parents fail to even check the rating. These are the same parents who get all indignant when they discover little Bobby sitting at his Xbox shooting up a city before settling in for some hot, simulated sexiness. The irony here: little Bobby knows exactly how to use the rating system. Why do you think he chose the game in the first place?



Once you have familiarized yourself with the rating system, you may want to know more about these video games. For this, I might suggest turning to online sources such as Kotaku. These sites offer in depth reviews of the games, allowing you to not only judge which games are appropriate, but more importantly, which ones are going to suck. Let's face it, little Bobby, despite being eight now, still hasn't gotten off his lazy ass and gotten a job yet, so it's your hard earned cash he's spending on these games. Make those dollars count.

In addition to the ratings offered on these sites, often you can find articles that explore some of the more...interesting features of upcoming games in depth. Need to know just how graphic it will be when a Predator rips a space Marine's head off? They've got the screen shots. Weren't aware of the glitch in the game that allows the main character to walk around in the nude? Yeah, there's a whole video of that. (NSFW, duh.) That last one is especially useful, as it's not intentionally part of the game, so the ESRB may not have counted it in the rating. Best to watch it three or four times, just to make sure you took it all in.

Finally, if you really want to know what you're kids are playing and how it may affect them, you have to play the games yourself. I know, it's hard, but if you make yourself do it, I think you'll find you're the better parent for it. I myself have committed to buying a DSi XL only because my daughter has a DS, and really it's just irresponsible of me to not verify the content of the games that she might play. It's for that same reason I got the PSP. You never know when she might accidentally stumble across God of War, and I now have the experience necessary to sit down with her and explain that sometimes, it's okay to rip off a harpies wings and beat her to death with them, but it's still wrong to hit other kids on the playground.

Really, don't you wish you could you say the same?

Those Days...They Were Golden

Okay, there's a piece on Kotaku right now on considering the ramifications on gamers of the fact that the iPad and the DSi XL are being released around the same time. This...this is wrong. As a gamer, I feel like I should say something about this, especially since I have access to the existing, miniature versions of both systems, the iPhone and the DS Lite.

Here's the thing: Nintendo owns the portable gaming world. I say this as someone who, if forced into choosing between my beloved PSP and my left foot, would prompty run out and pick out a nice peg. I've played a handful of DS games, and they are what one would expect - they are Nintendo games. They are Mario and Link and everything that I loved about playing video games as a kid, made pocket size. When I heard about the DSi XL, a DS for people with man-sized hands, I will happily confess that the plotting began that will make one of them mine. (Insert appropriate maniacal laughter here.)



My iPhone, on the other hand, is a very different thing. I love my iPhone. It's hard to think about getting by without it. It has become a second brain for me - keeping appointments, looking up facts, checking my email. It's a wonderful tool that has made me more productive by leaps and bounds.

And almost every game on it sucks.

Okay, that's a little unfair. There are some cute puzzle games, and of course Monkey Island and Wolfenstein 3-d worked amazingly well, but that's about it. Everything else falls into one of two categories: it's either something I've already played online in Flash, or it's a game that might be fun if I wasn't required to cover 20% of the screen with my %#$@ing thumbs to play it. Maybe other people don't mind this. People with tiny hands. Me being neither a midget or a carny, I ain't one of them.

My point is that I don't look at the iPad and think "gaming device". I think they look like fun and something that would be useful, an ideal kitchen device (I'm a geek - having a machine with wireless capabilities in the kitchen is no less reasonable than, say, a toaster). I would jump at the chance to get one if I had several hundred dollars burning a hole in my pocket. As a gamer though, it's not even on my radar.

So yeah, I'm not sure where you're coming from on this one, Kotaku. These are two completely different markets. I'm guessing you just really wanted to talk about the iPad, and as a gaming magazine this is the only excuse you had.

I'm the same way with monkeys, zombies, and my illicit affair with Bea Arthur, so I totally feel you.