And No, I'm Not Trying To Compensate For Anything

Now that that pesky assault weapon ban has been removed from the gun control bill, I think we can all breathe a sigh of relief. After all, there are perfectly legitimate reasons for a civilian to need a gun that shoots 600 rounds per minute that don't end in headlines about "massacre" and "tragedy". I personally can't think of what those reasons might be, but that is undoubtedly due to the liberal media not covering stories of all the good that comes from such things.

Here's the thing though - since we can apparently all agree that the average yahoo should be able to own an assault rifle (discounting the 55% of Americans who favor such a ban), then I don't think it's unreasonable that we discuss taking things a touch further. I mean, the assault rifle was created for the military, but we've all agreed (again, excluding the aforementioned hippie contingent) that anyone should be able to get one, right? So why not other military equipment?

I guess what I'm saying is this: I want a tank.

There are all sorts of practical reasons for wanting my own tank, not least of which is the obvious awesome factor. I bet a tank never gets stuck in the snow. Seeing a tank bearing down in the rear view mirror would discourage those twits that drive 60 in the pass lane. Plus, how much cooler would the homecoming float be if it was built on the back of a tank? Besides, we let people drive Hummers around, and really those are just tanks that have been neutered so they don't chase the other cars around.

I'm sure there will be practical issues to owning a tank, like parking for example. Hey, I don't mind parking at the back of the lot to get groceries. Besides, if some tool with a pickup truck can take up four spaces to avoid getting a dink in his paint job, I'm sure people would overlook my needing a couple of spaces for my tank. (Side note: if you park your pickup truck like this, you have outed yourself as a poser who doesn't understand what a pickup truck is for. Please proceed to the nearest honky-tonk bar for the beating you so richly deserve.)

(DLOG Interactive: This is the part where you should turn on your speakers and open this link in another tab/window for the full effect. Trust me.)

You know, a lot of people like to think they know what the founding fathers were thinking when they despite the fact that it was over 250 years ago when people worried about things like keeping slaves in line and not getting dysentery, and I realize that the right to bear arms bit in the Constitution was written when firing said arms involved taking 25 or 30 seconds to load a single shot. Still, I can tell you this much: Benjamin Franklin would have wanted me to have a tank. Franklin said "All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move.", and really, what better way to move than in a few tons of American-made steel? I can see it now, me and Ben cruising downtown in my custom painted tank (after a quick riding-dirty check, because I think we can all agree that Ben Franklin would be lining his coat pockets with hella sticky bud). Hatch open with mad bass pumping out. Fourteen custom red, white and blue rims spinning when we come to a stop. Ben poking out the top to return the salutes given by tearful patriots as we pass by (or hooting at the ladies, 'cause Ben was bold like that). You guys, we need to make this happen.

You write your representatives, and I'll start setting up the Kickstarter.